Thursday, February 24, 2011

Untamed Virgins - Lessons on How Not To Make an Erotica

There are two unrelated films in John Ad. Castillo and Z. Lokman's redolently titled "Untamed Virgins"; one follows an indigenous dark-skinned tribe as they go about their daily routine in the jungle; the other is a largely unfocused yarn of two families living within similar territory..

When Bating (Roldan Aquino) meets Ayu (Ramona Revilla), he seeks to find the "magic leaves" that shall bring back his sexual vitality. He is Tuwa-tuwa's tribal chief - old, morbidly obese, and has grown up children Angi and Miro (Miguel Ramirez). Ayu is the mother of two girls, Unga (Zairah Diwa) and Ulan. Ayu is in a clandestine relationship with a sexually predatory man who's constantly threatening to "deflower" the girls. He also wants to sequester a parcel of land that Bating owns. To add flavor to this confounding story, timid Miro is circumspect with his attraction to Unga. Will his affection be reciprocated?

In what should be one of the decade's most inept movie, the production banks on its suggestions of erotica circa 1980's (do you really doubt this when its title is "Untamed Virgins"?). But 80's erotica is usually populated by pretty nubile nymphets who usually bare their boobs in repeated shower scenes.

In this film, the closest thing you have of a nymphet is Ramona Revilla who must be pushing 40. Besides Zaira Diwah, the rest of the female cast carries bulging abdomen, static emotions and inert facial expressions. The men, on the other hand, sport potbellies bigger than the gongs of Xinjiang. Even Miguel Ramirez (who we saw in "Haliparot - Mana Sa Ina", seen below) sports a tummy bump! And really now, if all you're after is erotic cinema, isn't it basic that you must have performers that won't repulse the viewers that you aim to titillate? Unless of course you have the brain of a dodo...

And there are no breasts exposed, nor peekaboo penises from these tub-o-lard actors either! This is the most G-rated erotica we've ever laid eyes on!

The lines are comedic at best:

When a man attempts to kiss a woman:

Woman: "Ba't ako nakakaramdam ng takot o kakaibang kaligayahan lang?"
Man: "Gusto mo dadalhin kita sa paraiso?"

When Ayu (the mother) finds blood running down daughter Ulan's thighs, she turns to her paramour and shouts, "Ano'ng ginawa mo sa kanya?" Hasn't she heard of menstruation?

As an analogy to making love to a girl, a man advises Miro - "Ang babae, pag natikman mo, ito ay tulad ng nganga (betel nut) na babalik balikan mo!" (I almost fell off my seat!)

When Bating scours the jungles to look for his "mahiwagang dahon" (magic leaf supposedly possessing Viagra potency), he finds a porcupine under a tree. He was so petrified he jumped on a tree and couldn't get back down until Miro finds him the next day.! He regales, "Nakakita ako ng napakaraming malalaki't mababangis na hayop!" (I saw huge, wild animals) A single diminutive porcupine?

The second film is absolutely unrelated to the narrative above. In fact, you would know it from the color of the natives' skin, it might as well be a no-audio documentary that follows these ethnic men as they hunt down monkeys then disembowel them (they even cook them under a bonfire and eat their flesh); prepare baits; perform ethnic dances, go fishing with spears, catch chicken with arrows, etc.

These two films are interfused fecklessly, but the color grading discrepancy provides a jarring contrast, you feel disoriented every single time the scenes change.

When Ayu goes mano-a-mano with her lover, Unga calls on Miro (whose father was spewing blood after eating different jungle leaves) for help! But instead of helping Ayu at the scene, the lovers embrace each other as Unga retorts with an asinine, "Hayaan nating magunaw ang mundo!" Huh? This must have surprised Miro because he actually breaks the 4th wall, looks at the camera, and pulls out his tongue!


I kid you not!

How to disembowel monkeys.

A tribesman with red briefs on!

Roldan Aquino as tribal head Bating, one of the most blood-curdling sights we've ever witnessed in a movie that's supposed to be erotic!

Belat! Tapos na ang pelikula!

Ramona Revilla as Ayu - pretty after all these years! She looked smug all through her scenes. Kinda reminds me of an older JC Parker.


Anonymous said...

Gaaad, i wanna see this!

Cathy P. said...

Ohmygawd! Why? ;->

Anonymous said...

It looks like, uhm, "Anakan Mo Ako," which is a silly gag but fun. Is this one just awful or is it hilarious too (in its awfulness)?

Cathy P. said...

"Anakan Mo Ako" was almost campy, and "campiness" has elements of fun in itself. This, however, was so awful in almost every aspect of the production it almost mocked itself for its efforts.

That Roldan Aquino walks around naked with his gargantuan male boobs and potbelly - and constantly talking about how he can't "get it up" - it just shook me to the core. I had to buy Plasil to stop myself from vomiting after the screening.

I had nightmares later that night!

Anonymous said...

Fun enough for me! Ang layo ko kasi sa Galleria. Will scout for it in Quiapo, and hopefully read your review at the back cover!

Cathy P. said...