Andoy Ranay's Sosy Problems - The Funny and the Unfinished

There’s unabashed delight in the depiction of bratty, filthy-rich social butterflies as seen in Andoy Ranay’s “Sosy Problems”. Lizzie Consunji (Rhian Ramos) leads an enviable pack of the “super duper rich” that further constitutes Danielle Alvarez (Bianca King), the daughter of a former congressman (Ricky Davao) with briskly dwindling fortunes; Margaux Bertrand (Solenn Heussaff), best friend of Claudia Ortega (Heart Evangelista). Margaux and Claudia’s relationship is dragged down by the simmering rivalry between their former beauty queen-mothers Martina (Cherie Gil) and Glory (Agot Isidro), Claudia’s mother. They’re the privileged bunch. They arrive in private helicopters; ride horses like Mikey Cojuangco; employ yayas who ride in specially-assigned cars; and they can sniff fake designer bags from a mile away.

But all’s not well on the horizon. The Polo Club, their favorite hangout, was bought by Bernice (Mylene Dizon), a former club cashier who got hitched to a billionaire. Bernice plans to turn the club into a Yaya Mall. The girls are appalled. After all, they couldn't fraternize with the masa. What becomes of their memories? More importantly, what happens to the employees of the club, some of whom have worked there half their lives. Lizzie turns to her dad for help, but he wouldn't budge so she takes matters into her hand. She organizes a picket to protest against the plan of the new owner. This gets them arrested for their stunt.

As punishment, Lizzie is sent to the remote town of Sapang Bato to join her lola (Nova Villa) and cousin Becca (Barbie Forteza). But provincial life is far removed from Lizzie’s cosmopolitan lifestyle. There are no clubs, no internet or wifi, and phone signal is intermittent, she had to climb a tree to secure one. Lizzie invites her friends to help get over the tedium of rural living, but they end up fighting with each other. What’s worse, Lizzie becomes a big burden, financial and otherwise, to her well meaning grandmother (her lola’s sister) and cousin.

Back in the city, Danielle starts to deal with her own financial troubles the only way she can. So she devises ways to hook up with Inaki Montinola (Alden Richards) whose fortune is legendary. With the help of Santi (Mikael Daez), a stranger he met at a party, she invites Inaki for dinner. Will she get an audience with the eligible bachelor? Would Inaki show up? Meanwhile, Margaux and Claudia are fighting over Benjo (Aljur Abrenica), the club’s good looking stable boy-cum-waiter who seems oblivious to the girls’ constant flirting. With their internal strife piling up, the fall of the Polo Club seems inevitable… or is it?

Andoy Ranay’s “Sosy Problems” is riddled with loopholes, you start to wonder if there were cognitive beings driving this cinematic vehicle. Aside from the threadbare plot, the motives of the characters are dubious. If these people truly had a plethora of riches, they had several options in the drawing room: 1. Hire a lawyer to negotiate their demands, not that they have proprietary say on a privately owned property; 2. Pool their resources and gather their amigas to buy the property from the new owner; 3. Take to the media by bombarding the public with articles about the poor employees; 4. Purchase another property and equip it with even better facilities. Planking at the facade is as ridiculous as the thought of someone purchasing the playground of the rich and famous. Besides, who did Bernice marry – the Prince of Brunei?

While on sabbatical at the province, Lizzie’s lola had to “steal” from her other granddaughter’s piggy bank because they were low on resources to support Lizzie’s whims. Didn't Lizzie’s dad (Johnny Revilla), a successful hotelier, send enough money to finance her daughter’s stay in the province? The lola could have easily asked from Lizzie’s dad and, surely, he wouldn't mind sending a few thousands of pesos. A lola stealing from her granddaughter is a grave mistake, even if this were meant for good intentions. Stealing is 8^th of the Ten Commandments, remember? This narrative strain is ill advised and reminds me of Sef Cadayona’s sexual assault in Emmanuel dela Cruz’s disputable “Slumber Party” where “rape” is horrendously treated with easy humor. We've never heard of grandmothers acting like juveniles since Australia’s Oscar-nominated “Animal Kingdom”. This isn't Oscar-worthy.  

The movie is, however, made bearable by the delectable turn of its lead stars portraying some of the most self-absorbed characters in local cinema. Rhian Ramos hams it up and shows why this role was written for her. She is brilliant and playful as bratty Lizzie. Think Alicia Silverstone's "Cher". Though humor in the film is a hit-and-miss affair, many of the gags involving our four ladies actually work. Enthusiasm is such an infectious malady. 

Take the “pilapil” (dike) scene: the girls wanted to visit the "pilapil” because someone told them it’s beautiful out there. Without an inkling of idea what a “pilapil” is, they march through dikes with high heels, wide brimmed hats and designer bags thinking they were heading into some kind of Shangrila when, in fact, they've reached their destination many times over. This really cracked me up. Another favorite scene was when the girls found a pot of mud they all thought was a facial regimen. They started rubbing  mud all over their faces while Claudia assures her friends with, “Don’t panic; it’s organic.” On the other hand, Bianca King’s part was the most sympathetic. Her story was better told than the rest. And King came out less of a caricature.

Mikael Daez registers strongly as the mysterious Santi, you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was charming and he spoke well. Aljur Abrenica is a fetching Benjo, the club’s all-around boy, but then he isn't made to do much. There are cameos by Ruffa Gutierrez who plays the role of a lifestyle broadcast executive who wants to run a story about the girls. Tim Yap plays a bigger part (than previous movie roles) as Ruffa's lifestyle reporter.

The film actually stumbles hard as it scrambles into its finish line. Story telling turned reckless and banked on fast resolutions. The positive comeuppance felt undeserved because there were untold chapters that needed more narrative discourse. Elsewhere, the grapevine has tongues wagging: Ranay, the film’s director started acting flaky (think Angelina Kanapi) because his boyfriend left him. Sometime November, the still unfinished product was directorless. Grief has a way of skewing priorities, I know, but isn't Ranay a veteran theater habitue? You’d expect the demeanor of a stage professional, right? This was why Joyce Bernal was allegedly taken into the fold to finish the unfinished and do her editing magic. If this is true, then someone clearly doesn't deserve to work in the business again. Work is work. Oscar Wilde once said, “There’s always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.” With grief, people do ridiculous things. Unfortunately, he didn't suffer alone.       

Aljur Abrenica. This photo only courtesy of   http://raindeocampo.files.wordpress.com

Mikael Daez is Santi aka Santiago Elizalde, lawyer and son of an influential scion.

Yam Laranas' The Road - Spinning Scary Yarns

It’s the detours that lead to the untrodden path. When Brian and Janine (Derick Monasterio and Lexi Fernandez) invite Ella (Barbie Forteza) for a night time driving lesson, they didn’t foresee a night of unspoken horror that would have them driving through a road inhabited by restless souls seeking reparation. This eventually leads to the reinvestigation of a 12 year old cold case involving the disappearance of sisters Lara (Rhian Ramos) and Joy (Louise de los Reyes). Luis Medina (TJ Trinidad), a bemedalled investigator, handles the case.

A decade earlier, Lara and Joy drove through this desolate road, sweeping through clouds of dust when their car engine suddenly stalled. When they asked help from a sulky passerby (Alden Richards), they were lead to his dwelling where the sisters soon found themselves captive. Placed in separate rooms, Lara could hear Joy’s pleas, but was helpless. “Patawarin mo ako, Joy, at di kita naipagtanggol,” whispered Lara through the walls. Later that night, Lara found a bunch of keys, one unlocking the chain on her leg. She made a run to freedom, but the man discovered her disappearance.

In 1988, a young boy (Renz Valerio) falls victim to the abuse of his disconsolate and discontented mother Carmela (Carmina Villaroel) who keeps him inside a cabinet whenever her lover (Dex Quindoza) comes over. Meanwhile, his father (Marvin Agustin) – a devout preacher – dismisses his wife’s affair, desperately clinging to the belief that a marital bond shouldn’t be put asunder. One day, Martha (Ynna Asistio) - a pretty girl who volunteers to do their laundry – comes into their lives. In the course of their acquaintance, an accident ensues, unraveling into a series of events that would make the young boy an orphan.

Cohesively told as three seemingly unrelated tales with pinhole-focus , each with meticulously appointed atmosphere that succinctly captures an eventful moment in different decades, director Yam Laranas masterfully and cleverly spins a yarn of utter suspense bristling with pulsating narrative progression and psychological disquiet. It’s the year’s most unexpected triumph too. With a tightly written script and an impeccable casting, the film soars and entertains. It is also one of my favorites for 2012.

“The Road” highlights the star turn of Alden Richards and Renz Valerio - playing the teenage and child Luis respectively – who both deliberately took advantage of the script’s slow but steady build up, mining an emotional grit that inspires discernment. Carmina Villaroel browbeats with sinister abandon. You hardly hear her voice rise, but the menace is all there. Her character feels trapped in a loveless marriage and she makes her discontent known. With well threshed out characters and beautifully woven “chapters”, GMA Films has a winner; something that I never expected within the year. After all, when has the production outfit last delivered a great movie? Eleven years ago? Marilou Diaz-Abaya’s “Jose Rizal” was 1998. Joel Lamangan’s “Deathrow” was 2000. Have they done anything of considerable artistic merit aside from the aforementioned? Derick Monasterio was just 6 years old when GMA had one. It sure has been a long artistic drought… until now.

The mother and the laundrywoman.





Brian drives for their lives.


Alden Richards shines brightly as a traumatized, albeit psychologically unhinged teenager - and proves that there's more to his handsome face. In several scenes, he has expressions that reminded me of (a fairer version of) Coco Martin and of John Lloyd Cruz. No Coco? See the photo above.


Alden Richards

NOTE TO THAT ANONYMOUS TWAT:

When a moron read a typo in the text above: "a young boy (Renz Valerio) falls victim to the abuse of HER disconsolate and discontented mother" - this neutered insect raised hell! With saliva-drenched mouth and a cerebral activity that's about to overload, this IDIOT has turned into an epilepsy-bound wreck! Poor soul. Chill out, hon. Inhale, exhale and go get a brain first before conflagrating into bits and pieces of envy! Who told you to read this blog anyway? Stop punishing yourself. You sure you didn't forget your morning dose of anti-psychotic drugs? Displeased by my genius? Sleep on it. Life will get better.

Tween Academy Class of 2011 - The Kids from Planet X

What were they thinking?

This sentiment resonates all through out my watching Mark Reyes’ “Tween Academy – Class of 2012”.

The movie chronicles a year in the life of 3 high school “imba” (“invisible”), culminating with the highly anticipated JS Prom. School outcasts Enzo, Georgina and Kara (Elmo Magalona, Bea Binene and Barbie Forteza, respectively) navigate the hallways of Ridgeview Academy in less than flattering light. In such vacuous environment, appearances trump substance, a recurring theme that percolates way beyond the narrative.

Enzo wrestles with his shyness and an academic performance that has him attending remedial classes. But his life perks up when he starts serendipitous encounters with a bombshell (Sam Pinto) who turns out to be his Geometry teacher Maddie! Meanwhile, George is on tenterhooks dealing with her ambiguous relationship with Jepoy (mop-haired Jake Vargas) who in turn openly fawns over Chloe (Lexi Fernandez). To Jepoy’s mind, George is his best friend; something that frustrates George no end. But she doesn’t lose hope. Kara, on the other hand, is enjoying an online friendship with a fellow comic books fan named Colossus (Joshua Dionisio). When the latter urges for a meet up, Kara, “SuperGirl” as nome de plume, panics and asks her cousin Jess (Louise delos Reyes) to pretend that she is SuperGirl. Comic boy Robin on the other hand thrusts campus heart throb Christian (Alden Richards) as the comic geek. All hell break lose when the imposters start liking each other. What becomes of Supergirl and Colossus? Such quandaries are further aggravated by campus bully Maximo (Derick Monasterio) who finds pleasure in our protagonists’ miseries.

In what could be the year’s most disjointed narrative, the movie flagrantly displays the inadequacies and mediocre vision of its director, in a subject matter that he blindly maneuvers. He resorts to incipient ideas that, though laid out within the frame of the story, are mostly outlandish or underexplored. In terms of skills, Reyes can’t even stage an adequate musical number: check out Josh Miguel’s version of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”. This number, though agreeably a fresh interpretation of this 80’s fodder, is awkwardly mounted on a stage. It’s a curiousity how he fails to take advantage of the medium (which affords them time, allows them recuts and re-shoots) to marshal the under-rehearsed tweeners who can’t even synchronize their movements. Ano to, amateur hour? This dilemma is largely a GMA talent malady. They allow musical numbers in their musical variety shows like Party Pilipinas to take the stage without adequate preparation. Bara bara, just so they can field anything! The sadder thing is, this isn’t even live – which should underline the pedestrian mind set of its makers.

In the story, Kara hides behind her SuperGirl online persona. She wallows and speaks in the most bizaare language. I myself am one who uses LOL, ROTFL, and other cyber slang during chats and even in email correspondence, but these kids take the next level. No, make it “next alternate world”. Consider the following: AFK (away from keyboard), MMB (“message me back” just when I thought it meant “Metro Manila Barkada”); IDK (I don’t know); F2F (face to face, instead of the easier “EB” for “eyeball”); IKR (I know right). The most ridiculous, as it’s actually spoken is “TYP” (Thank you po). Common sense would dictate that the expediency of acronyms in local parlance rests on the shortening of multisyllabic words and phrases. In Mark Reyes’ netherworld, he dispenses these silly acronyms because he thought people find it amusing, further underlining how exceedingly perceptive he really is.

What’s even funnier is, when these acronyms are used by these characters in their chatboxes, they are written along with what they stand for. The abbreviations are there alongside their whole meaning. Everything becomes a tedious, redundant drivel.

When the “imba” friends gather round to convene on what remedial steps could improve their social standing, they brilliantly come up with a list: dye hair pink, get a tattoo, make-over, learn to drive, face your fear. Dye hair pink? No wonder others think they hail from some extraterrestrial planet.

Reyes even flowers his briskly drowning narrative with some of the most insipid jokes ever heard:

Question 1: Ano ang tawag sa maliit na pusit?

Answer: Pssssst!

Question 2: Eh ano ang tawag sa malaking pusit?

Answer: Hoy!

Here, It’s hard to summon sympathy the way we sympathize with the characters in Joe Nussbaum’s “Prom”. Mentioning “Prom” even feels like a disservice to the latter. It’s like comparing “Gone with the Wind” and Mark Reyes’ acronym-driven idiocy, “I.T.A.L.Y.” (“I Trust And Love You”) You end up staring at the screen feeling a vacuum is about to engulf you whole as karmic punishment from the mere patronage of this film.

To pay homage to the youth movers of the late 80’s and 90’s, Reyes enveigles their presence: Yayo Aguila, Nadia Montenegro, Angelu de Leon, Bobby Andrews, Chuckie Dreyfuss appear in forgettable supporting characters that don’t even leave a discernable footprint. Heck, they even have Jojo Alejar dance his cobwebbed terpsichorean groove as though Alejar was a major force of a generation. He wasn't. There is a good reason why such conceit is better consigned to oblivion.

Director Reyes further peppers his cinematic vomitus with cameos: German Moreno, Dingdong Dantes, Marian Rivera, Mark Herras, et.al. Hunky Aly Borromeo (with Azkal’s Chieffy and Ian) and Cosplay’s Alodia Gosiengfiao make transient appearances to heat up the screen; moments that should have lifted the watchability of this clunker. However, they only accentuated the irredeemable story. I’d have wanted to simply cower and hide under a rock if I were to be a part of this upchuck. It is a criminal offence to perpetuate the dimwitted brain activity that has long plagued Mark Reyes. Wasn’t GMA aware that selling garbage is punishable under the revised penal code of the Philippines? To this day, I wonder why the GMA think tanks are too myopic to indulge Reyes with his music video-driven, magazine-show inspired film making. This isn’t a music video, Mr. Reyes, it is a darn movie where people actually pay PhP160 bucks to flagellate themselves.

How are the performances so far? “Repulsive” is an appropriate term. Barbie Forteza is innocuous at best, failing to impart a sense of urgency to her online dilemma. You just didn’t care that she didn’t end up with Christian – or that she eventually lands on the lap of Robin. Bea Binene mistakes enthusiasm for acting, yet she can't even deliver her lines with an iota of believability. And when the likes of gossip-monger Dolly Anne Carvajal hail Binene as a young Maricel Soriano, we don’t just shrug and relegate Carvajal’s delusion to her inebriation, we huff and puff for such injustice! It is an insult to the thespic savvy and brilliance of the embattled Diamond Star! Joshua Dionisio, on the other hand, can only summon a perfunctory performance, that leaves an emotive void. Elmo Magalona saddles his character with hackneyed demeanor. Though he bears the charm of his departed father, he curiously lacks his acumen. Elmo mostly extravagates into cinematic blandness. These GMA “tweeners’” cinematic outing begs comparison to ABS-CBN’s tweeners, real teenagers who ooze with charisma, and more importantly competence as young actors.

That Mark Reyes continually makes movies – like “Tween Academy” - is an invective not just to patrons of Pinoy films, but to a mainstream industry that badly needs some perking up. Tween Academy is the poster flick of awful. And when you sit inside a movie house on a weekend with just 6 souls watching in a theater hall that sits 200 or more (on the film’s opening week, at that), isn’t that the hand of fate playing judge and jury?

Derick Monasterio, a spitting image of his mother, former actress Tina Monasterio.

Alden Richards (as Christian) and Kristofer Martin (as Diego)

Joyce Ching (as Ashlee) and Lexi Fernandez (as Chloe)

Puntod - Chronicles of Agony

Cesar Apolinario's "Puntod"is 2010's very first Filipino movie offering! Having mentioned that, we expected a lot from this digital film. But whatever promise it has is foreshadowed by its English title - "Baby's Tomb" - which spells grief, grief and more grief! From the get-go, we had an inkling of how the story would end. The main character is a lachrymous mute named Baby (the pretty Barbie Forteza), who scavenges for scraps and left-overs to earn money.

Baby should eventually die. Otherwise, she wouldn't possess a tomb of her own, right? Right!

Spoilers!

But the narrative that leads to her demise is a convoluted headache of a story rife with heartaches (her mother was run over by a jeep; her father is blind; her well-meaning friend/teacher gets raped; her close friend gets shot) and abuses (her older sister is a bitch of a witch who shrieks to high heavens from dawn til sundown). Then from out of the blue, an awkwardly sequenced anti-climactic shootout ensues that came out of nowhere! But wait! It didn't end there. It couldn't - since Baby was still walking, and don't we expect her lying in a coffin - stiff and cold? Well, that eventually happened! Thank heavens.

Forteza is appealing, but she is mostly misdirected. Her scenes are a continuous montage of annoying cries and sobs and wails. I barely succeeded hanging on and staying put, and finishing the film that felt 3 hours long! No, sir, it's just 1 hour and 10 minutes or so, but it felt like a bundle of sacrifice. On the plus side: Mark Gil's Mang Delfin is engaging; and there's a crisp and luminous cinematography!

But the performance of note was turned in by Sheree. She was shrill and an annoying cardboard-cutout! I wanted her ejected out of "Puntod." She should star in another movie all her own - a movie that I won't be too lucky to pay P160 for! (Nilagnat po kasi ako eh!)