Of Bad Teachers, Frozen Flower and Returning Icons

In Jake Kasdan’s “Bad Teacher”, Cameron Diaz is a nasty, devil-may-care Junior High teacher Elizabeth who’s moving heaven and earth to come up with cash that would pay for her $10,000 boob job. She reports to class dismissive of everything else (she just plays movies in class all through the semester), but competes for the attention of hunky new Math teacher Scott (Justin Timberlake), the son of a business scion. But Liz has tough competition: Amy (Lucy Punch), the good teacher! When she learns that the teacher whose class scores highest at the standardized testing will earn a whopping $5,700, Elizabeth turns her class around by drilling her students into a military-style scholastic Olympics. Moreover, she finds clandestine ways to secure the examination’s answer sheet.

Julia Roberts, on the other hand, plays Mercedes in Tom Hanks-directed "Larry Crowne". Mercedes Tainot is another imperious educator of an informal speech class where Larry Crowne (Tom Hanks), a down-on-his-luck and newly down-sized retail store employee, attends. Crowne was made redundant when the company finds his educational qualifications wanting. “There’s no room for advancement,” his bosses reasoned. Prior to this, Larry has been piling up his Employee of the Month citations. As a result of this, Crowne decides to enroll at the local college; ditches his car for a scooter; and applies for a job at his neighborhood diner. In the process, he finds ways to deal with his house's impending foreclosure.

Cameron Diaz makes no apologies playing the inconsiderate, crude, selfish teacher, but despite an annoying foray into a poorly scripted comedy, she comes out with a deceptively winsome character that eventually pays out as its credits roll. That “there is inherent goodness even among the most execrable human beings” is a stretch, but it’s nevertheless a hopeful piece. Roberts, on the other hand, turns on her mega-watt charm to fuel this cinematic misfire. Larry Crowne is another geeky Forrest Gump wanna-be who navigates his neighborhood with the most superficial motives.

At one point, he tells his teacher Miss Tainot (Roberts), “You’re a good teacher.” But if you’ve been attentive, Mercedes Tainot (Roberts) was everything but… She attends her class with a degree of contempt, and talks to them with acidic scorn and palpable disdain. She listens to the presentations of her students half bored, half repellant. Moreover, why she would suddenly find the wrinkly Crowne vaguely attractive is beyond me! Whatever chemistry existing between these Superstars have all but dissipated in their heydays. Tainot is a bad teacher, written otherwise by Nia Vardalos to conjure a feel-good flick in the vein of her “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”.

You don’t exactly wonder why it fared tepidly at the box office.

Meanwhile, I was transfixed at my seat while watching a Korean flick - Ha Yu’s “A Frozen Flower” (aka “Blood and Roses”). This period piece follows a Koryu king (Ju Jin-Mo) who's fond of a young soldier Hong-Lim (Jo In-Seong). In fact, he favors his presence over the Queen’s - the royal better half who can't even share the king's bed. As the story unravels, Hong-Lim’s loyalty is highlighted. It becomes clear that his allegiance goes beyond subordinate subservience as he enjoys the intimate privilege sharing pillow talk with his beloved king. But there’s a problem: the king needs to provide an heir to the throne or he would have to abdicate his reign. "You have to work hard for that to happen, my king," implies the almost desperate queen. Unable to fulfill his matrimonial duty, the king decides to thrust Hong-Lim to father the Queen’s would-be child. Little did he expect that his much favored chief – and bedmate – would find the Queen’s company ultimately addicting. The plot then thickens.

Populated by a beautiful cast (and some of the most risky sex scenes in a historical epic– they made me blush), “A Frozen Flower” tackles the thin line dividing love and allegiance to duty, and the boundless limits of heady desires. If you think these Korean actors are shrinking violets, you’d be very wrong. Now this is a cinematic scorcher!

The Koryu King and his loyal chief Hong-Lim who would do anything for his king.

Jo In-Seong and Joo Jin-Mo: These gorgeous Korean actors!

DEATH OF PIRATES

I didn’t think it was possible!

Last week, I accompanied my cousin as she checked out some dental equipment she was planning to purchase for a branch of her clinic. This would be in Quiapo. And quite nearby was the notorious cloister – a subcommunity and kingdom of pirated DVD’s. Guess what? This community has finally ceased to exist. Mayor Alfredo Lim has finally succeeded to do the impossible.

Gone are endless rows of DVD shops. Patrol cars were seen parked at several corners. Police officers confiscated stacks of blank discs. Stores were empty, and display grills were taken down. I remember a few years ago when Mayor Lim also dismantled the red-light district along Ermita. No one thought that was possible too. Sure, there’s still prostitution everywhere in the metropolis, but not in the blatant flesh trade that once characterized the place. The good mayor sure has balls the size of Texas. If you want results, trust the good mayor to get his job done, come hell or high water. This event is not exactly celebratory as the country’s only avenue for the rare art films has diminished by leaps and bounds. But then, piracy is piracy.

HOMECOMING QUEEN

After 8 long years, the Superstar – Nora Aunor – is finally back! The country rejoices! I am very pleased as well. This calls for a celebration. Though I am weaned on Sharon Cuneta fodder (my parents being ardent Cuneta fans), there is no denying that La Aunor’s cinematic work is priceless. She was once the greatest actress of the country (up until she acquired annoying acting crutches: the constipated delivery of lines, etc.) and we will always respect her achievements. At her peak, she was said to be phenomenal as she captured the imagination and hearts of the Filipinos.

HOTOTAY - THE MASTERPIECE

However, as she gradually settles back into her country, her so-called “projects” feel underwhelming, at least for a star of her magnitude. A legend is back and she does a film called “Hototay”? LOL. Then there’s a historical epic topbilled by an actor not exactly known for his artistic merits: E.R. Ejercito (portraying Emilio Aguinaldo)! Remember the debacle that's "Lapu-Lapu" (with Lito Lapid and Joyce Jimenez)? Now why am I not clapping? She obviously deserves better, right?

On her supposed vocal setback: she allegedly lost her singing voice after a facelift operation in Japan! A tweety bird told me that facial operations like these may indeed result into the cutting of a nerve called “recurrent laryngeal nerve”. If that happens, this results into the paralysis of that muscles that this special nerve supplies. Effect: loss of voice! Medically, this is called aphonia (inability to speak). If part of the voice is somehow saved, it will be hoarse! Is Ms. Aunor hoarse? Just to recapitulate, children: With damage to the aforementioned nerve, you lose your voice. Not just the singing voice, but the speaking voice as well!

Why La Aunor’s vocal side effect suddenly turns selective is a mystery. Why just lose the singing capability? I’m also told that people lose their singing voice from a variety of factors: abuse, drugs, nodules and fibrosis, advancing age. Now consider the list based on the Superstar's notorious lifestyle in the past and tell me if she cannot check out any of the aforementioned items?

Here’s hoping the Superstar gets all the projects she deserve – and not fall on similar fate of another comebacking hottie, Gabby Concepcion. He was hot, but where is he now? Shame on you, ABS-CBN!

Nora Aunor is the penultimate actress that this country has ever produced. She deserves no less than the best! Not with a cinematic masterpiece named after a Chinese soup dish. Not with a leading man who was never an A-lister to begin with. And definitely not as Ejercito's mother! Riding on the coat tails of Emilio Aguinaldo doesn't necessarily guarantee a memorable flick. It may win a gubernatorial re-election seat for some, but where does that leave the one and only Superstar? Try the Tirad Pass.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Cautionary Blockbuster

A serum has been developed that results to neurogenesis, i.e. regeneration of neurons, cells that make up the nervous system (the brain, spinal cord, nerves). There are two cells in the human body that never regenerate: the cardiac cells (that make up the heart) and the nerve cells. Once these cells die, they aren’t replaced by new ones unlike cells in the liver, muscle, lungs, skin, etc. This is the reason why once aging starts and degeneration steps in, it’s a downward spiral for human health, thus we have diseases like Alzheimer’s Disease; why heart diseases are almost fatal. In Rupert Wyatt’s “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” the ALZ-112 (and its upgrade modification, the ALZ-113) is developed, known to effect regeneration of nerve cells.

The implications are amazing. This is a hopeful development for patients afflicted with Degenerative Diseases. We’ve heard of them and they seem like the proverbial death sentences: Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Parkinson’s Disease, Niemann Pick, even Atherosclerosis, etc.

When Dr. Will Rodman (James Franco) gets desperate dealing with the red tape involving difficulties in greenlighting human clinical trials, he injects his Parkinson’s-stricken father (John Lithgow) who, as a result, regains his cognitive skills; his memory and skills even more heightened than before. And the baby chimp that he saves from annihilation (born from an experimental ape injected with the same serum) becomes an intelligent member of his household. Will Caesar (the ape) be able to live harmoniously with Rodman’s anxious neighbors? How long will the miracle serum last?

In what would be a prequel to Tim Burton’s 2001 disappointing blockbuster “Planet of the Apes” (with Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter – set in the not too distant time-warped future, 2029), this flick is a compelling cautionary tale deceptively told in sci-fi drivel. The serum has an incorporated virus that somehow spreads and eventually afflicts the world.

There are a few cheesy scenes (orangutans and apes communicating through sign language: “You know sign language,” asked Ceasar. The gigantic baboon replied, “I’m a circus orangutan.”) There are plenty of aww-shucks moments as the infant ape grows into a 5-year old mammal, treating hunky Franco as his adoptive father. Whatever conceit it has in eventually ending like the expected summer blockbuster is forgivable. I’d gladly sit through this one many times over than flagellate myself with one of our dime-a-dozen, chimp-intelligence fueled Pink Films.

As bonus, the beautiful Freida Pinto (Latika of Danny Boyle’s “Slumdog Millionaire”) finally stars in a major Hollywood release, appearing opposite A-lister James Franco. She plays Caroline, Rodman’s vet and romantic interest. At some point during the movie, the story becomes a prison-tale (new inmates getting harassed) only this time, with monkeys as inmates, instead of humans. It has flaws, but if you’re receptive to a few liberties inherent in the sci-fi fantasy genre, then you’d be able to immersively sit back, munch on your overpriced popcorn, and enjoy the ride as the Golden Gate Bridge gets eventually besieged by a pack of furry mammals.

Dodge Landon (Tom Felton), the mean spirited caretaker ("warden") of the Animal Shelter, checks his "inmates".

James Franco in bed

James Franco

Freida Pinto as Caroline, the vet. The former Elite model will next appear in 3 new films including Jean Jacques-Annaud's "Black Gold" (with Tahar Rahim, Antonio Banderas and Mark Strong); Tarsem Singh's "Immortals" (with the new Superman Henry Cavill) and British film master Michael Winterbottom's "Trishna" set in Jaipur, India, based on Thomas Hardy's "Tess of the D'urberville". Will she disrobe as in Winterbottom's "9 Songs"?

Tom Felton: As naughty as his Draco Malfoy's alter-ego!

Cinema Rwanda - Munyarangabo's Hypnotic Cinema

Ngabo and Sangwa are on a journey. Once Ngabo (Jeff Rutagengwa) has stolen a machete in a Kigali market, their journey begins. But Sangwa (Eric Ndorunkundiye) plans to drop by his family in the countryside, and Ngabo obliges. Sangwa hasn't seen his family in 3 years.

Upon arrival, Sangwa's mother welcomes him with loving arms, literally feeding him with milk when they hardly have anything to eat. But Sangwa's father makes known his displeasure. "You leave me sick," he accuses, "you have no shame." What should have been a few hours' visit soon turned into days as Sangwa tries hard to make up for his father's disappointment. He helps plow the arid soil and fixes their crumbling wall.

It soon becomes clear that Sangwa intends to stay while his father's disgust for their visitor Ngabo grows by the day. After all, Ngabo is a Tutsi, a tribe that has contributed to the country's grim historical past - the genocide that killed thousands of Hutus. It soon unravels that Ngabo's mission was to seek and kill the man who killed his father during the civil war; a father whose face he can barely remember now. What becomes of Sangwa and Ngabo's friendship?

Though the film is directed by a Yale-educated, Korean born film maker who lives in an Arkansas farm, Lee Isaac Chung deftly captures the harsh realities of a country still haunted by their bitter past; that the Hutus and the Tutsis contend with an unpalatable past to work through their differences. Deep seated wounds aren't healed by mere didactic forgiveness.

The setting takes you to a land that cracks from the harsh sun; where houses are baked from mud; meals are a rare occurrence in daily life; and the waters that people drink come from gradually depleting trickles of murky liquid. Local color spills over. I have apparently envisioned of a different Rwanda. The lands here have patches of green, though areas remain uncultivated. The people commune with dirt, grime and sheer poverty, yet people somehow survive from what could be less than the bare essentials.

Chung's camera mostly observes and stares at its subjects. Sometimes, it is static, standing before a door where its characters move around the given location. The director peppers his meandering narrative with hypnotic a capella songs; a compelling dance at the feast, and strains from Ravel's "Gaspard de la Nuit" (Le Gibet). When the camera turns hand held, as when Ngabo finally leaves Sangwa who's thrown out by his vindictive father, this tack takes you right where our two protagonists are battling for each of their belief.

Ultimately, the concluding portion provides a hopeful gleam of light at the end of a seemingly bottomless pit of misery. Ngabo finally finds the man responsible for his father's death - stricken with AIDS and dying. He is lying on the floor, alone, and begging for water to drink. Ngabo lifts his machete, but is unable to strike the man.

He fetches water instead. Sublime.

Sangwa and Ngabo leave Kigali for a journey.

On Charice, John Prats, Cinemalaya Delicadeza & San Francisco Film Makers

ANYTHING BUT THE DONUT

Setting: NAIA Terminal 3, Mister Donut (MD) stall

Customer to MD crew: Miss, meron kayong Krispy Kreme na donut?

Mister Donut crew: Sorry, ma’am. We’re a Mister Donut outlet!

Customer: Ah, ok. (She leaves for 5 seconds, then returns.)

Customer to MD crew: Eh, Gonuts, meron kayo?

DELICADEZA AND FAST TRACKING A CAREER

I've always wondered how some people could look at their faces in the mirror with dignity. Sometimes blood is thicker than the common decency of not taking advantage of ones post.

Let's take, for example, Laurice Guillen, director and head honcho of the amazing Cinemalaya Festival (this year has churned out the best crop of movies in years). Guillen greenlights production of most main features. She even has a say regarding script changes and casting choices. In the past, Guillen has allowed the casting of her daughter Ina Feleo in two Cinemalaya main features - Jade Castro's "Endo" (2007) and Milo Sogueco's "Sanglaan" (2009) where - surprise, surprise! - Miss Feleo has won for herself Best Actress awards!

Ina Feleo is pretty. She isn't a bad actress either, but "Best Actress" caliber is really stretching it! I can think of a dozen names in the indie scene that could act up a storm more than Feleo. And for her to keep getting starring roles in Cinemalaya features that other better actresses deserve is a judicial travesty! Fast forwards 2011, Ina Feleo once again topbills a film directed by her mother Laurice (co-starring Shamaine Buencamino and Tirso Cruz III) - "Maskara"! And, like the whole Cinemalaya event is their family playground, Guillen even fields "Maskara" as their opening film!

Where has delicadeza gone?

I could think of 5 films that would make a great festival opener, not "Maskara"! As for Ina Feleo, I am glad to see her in teleseryes ("Guns and Roses"). I didn't care much if she won "Best Actress" awards from her Cinemalaya starrers though, once again, I can easily name better performances from the Cinemalaya entries in 2007 and 2009. But is there honor in fast tracking a showbiz career through an event that should otherwise be a venue of freedom, truth and excellent new breed of film making?

FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO MADAGASCAR

Setting: Greenbelt 3 Cinema Lounge (in front of Cinemalaya booth)

Cinema goers were reading from a program. Program sellers were abuzz with activity. People were coming and going. Raymond Bagatsing and Ronnie Lazaro were generously accommodating a crowd nearby. I was holding on to my tasteless New York Fries, observing people while waiting for my date buying soda.

Young director to several people at the booth: Hi, I’m Benito Bautista, director of “Boundary”… San Francisco!

Saw the guy he was talking to. He was needlessly perplexed. Should have been me. “Hi, I’m Cathy Pena, cinema vixen… Antananarivo, Madagascar!”

TIME OF HIS LIFE

I was channel surfing when I caught a segment of “Happy Yipee Yehey”. The next set of contestants would be this population of people desperate enough to make a fool of themselves on TV.

Jason Francisco: “Pumunta po kayo bukas 1PM ng hapon!” You bet! 1 PM in the afternoon, not 1PM in the morning, clear?

WHY NOT CHARICE

A flawed but brilliantly realized semi-documentary called “Bahay Bata” (Baby Factory) has gritty realism. The story happens one Christmas Eve in San Lazaro Hospital.

Young mother no.1 (YM1): Hoy, ate, ano’ng pangalan ng baby mo?

Young mother no. 2 (YM2): Charice.

YM1: Ay, bakit Charice? Ang pangit ni Charice Pempengco! Sa akin, Sarah (Geronimo).

OWNING A PAIR

John Prats is a likeable guy. He is handsome, agreeable, and is known to have good work ethics, but when it comes to the girls that he once liked, he turns into a spineless prick!

Consider the list: Heart Evangelista , Shaina Magdayao, Rachelle Anne Go. Did these girls get their romantic closure from him? It seems that when he gets tired of girls that he once wooed, he simply blocks them out of his life. No goodbyes, no serious talks, no telephone calls, heck, not even a text message saying, “We’re through!” This is the worst kind of man you’ll ever meet. He lives his life in a misdirected vicious cycle. Careful, Bianca!

Why not grow a pair. Mr. Prats?

CONSTRUCTIVE

Going back to Charice, if you’ve been following this blogsite, you would know that I only have good words for Charice. I believe in her talent. I mean, those pipes can't be anything but sent from the heavens, right?

But it seems that she’s getting too onion skinned for constructive criticisms. To bolster this attitude, she even boasts of a set of fans that would defend her to the death. Anyone who speaks ill of her, they will massacre! Right, Mr. Nestor Torre? When the latter wrote why Charice doesn’t have the physical qualifications of being a “Kim” (Miss Saigon) – a rather didactic discourse on what or how a Kim should be – the entertainment journalist was deluged with the nastiest replies from Charice’s supporters, 200 replies to be exact! Some twats even researched Mr. Torre's photos and made a dartboard out of it. Last time I checked, Mr. Torre wasn't gonna be Kim, was he? These sniveling idiots!

I believe Charice doesn't make the rightful Kim either. We grew up hailing every Filipina who has sung “Sun and Moon” with her Chris. We also know where Mr. Torre comes from. Eh hindi naman kasi talaga bagay no!

Meanwhile, when a fan wrote her observation at Charice’s fan page in Facebook, i.e. that she seemed a little too heavy when she last portrayed Sunshine Corazon in “Glee” – where she performed another rousing number (the spectacular “As Long As You’re There”) – what did Charice do? She closed down her fan page and even tweeted about her two-faced fans!

Very mature indeed! A class act!

I saw the whole Glee episode and she indeed looked awkward and too satiated – my 7 year old niece even commented, “Ate Charice looks full!” In the same episode, Sunshine was so scared of performing that she wanted to March down the Philippine Embassy (in the U.S.) so "they would revoke my visa". Huh? It's the United States of America who gave you the visa, hon; not the Philippine Embassy! And really now, what could be easier than simply buying a plane ticket to fly back to the Philippines and hide in a cave?

Charice, my dear, people who can’t take criticism gracefully won’t grow into emotionally stable artists and well balanced individuals. You have to learn how to accept other people's observations because you're in the spotlight! You can actually improve yourself from constructive criticism. Not everyone is willing to lick your ass! You have a God-given talent, but you’re not perfect. No one is. It is our divine duty to improve on what weve been given. When sympathizers wish improvements on you, is it really wise to cover your ears? Sometimes, criticisms are there not to be spiteful, but to inspire improvement. Grow up, Charice!

(And for that anonymous cunt from Lake Elsinore, California - and this is obviously meant to be gloriously spiteful, yes, honey, "brainless ass-lickers" like you, dear! Hahaha! What could be more disgusting than sycophantic spineless stools who can't even conjure fictitious names to stand by their thoughts? Go fish for a brain!)

WHAT IS YOUR WORD WORTH?

A dancer and a new actress conquer the music scene. I was checking out the new releases from Odyssey when I saw two new titles. Rayver Cruz just released an EP CD containing 5 songs. When he was a newbie in the business, I saw him play the biopic of Billy Joe Crawford in MMK. He was charming and actually had the pipes to make it as a singer. Years later, he became a dancer!

The other CD was from a sophisticated Solenn (we saw her belt the Beatles’ “Come Together” with Lovi Poe in the improving “Party Pilipinas” and we were quite surprised). Miss Heusaff is spreading herself grandiosely in the business. For someone who once said, quite emphatically on television, “Tandaan n’yo to, after this (Survivor), hinding hindi ako mag aartista!” If the lives of her love ones depended on her word, they’d all be dead, right?

We like Solenn. She is gorgeous, she isn’t a bad actress despite her linguistic crutches, she seems like a decent lady, and she isn't all that bad at singing either. What is there to dislike? But what we’re trying to say is, never say never. Otherwise, what is your word worth? Right, Mr. Bieber?

Adventures of Pureza - Cinematic Atrocities

How do you box in the manic energy and frothy character of Melai Cantiveros?

In Star Cinema's "The Adventures of Pureza: Queen of the Riles", you end up having a product that underlines everything that's annoying about her instead of the adorable gibberish and flashes of humor that highlight her persona. And in what could be one of the most atrocious cinematic outing of the year, a surefire formula hits all the wrong buttons.

Capsule

Pureza (Melai Cantiveros) does odd jobs and the silliest, most ridiculous tricks to sustain her brother Ulan's (Martin del Rosario) escalating financial demands. It's a great thing that childhood friend Ruben (Jason Francisco) is always beside her to constantly lend a hand. However, this harmonious "partnership" of sorts may not last. Ruben plans to work in Saudi, and Pureza is largely repellent to people leaving her (she was left for adoption by her biological mother). And Ruben's romantic maneuver is blind sided by Pureza's emotional hang-ups and compulsion to earn the extra buck.

When shady mob boss Mother Baby (Gina Pareno) offers Ruben a clandestine heist that would bring Brazilian model Daniella Fabella La Bamba (Bianca Manalo) to her, Pureza coaxes Ruben to accept the job that would earn them a cool P100,000. The slippery model turns out to be a courier of illegal goods (diamonds) hidden within slippers. And who is Gerald Landerson (Joem Bascon)? Why does he welcome Pureza's too-obvious infatuation? Will he pave the way for Pureza's dream of becoming a model? He is, after all, a renowned photographer. Is he a friend? Or a foe?

Director Soxie Topacio ("Ded na si Lolo") weaves a frenetic narrative with disparate stories too far out to be believable or funny. In fact, the funniest bits in this atrocious work appears right after the cinematic chapter concludes its tale - a series of outtakes running throughout the closing credits.

Aren't we tired of the same physical gags dressing up our comediennes in otherworldly frocks? Hasn't this been done ad nauseam? Pokwang? Eugene Domingo? Ai Ai de las Alas? Rufa Mae Quinto? What about the story? This is an obvious rehash from the hardworking Ina Montecillo (Ai Ai de las Alas) of "Tanging Ina", Paula Cajanding (Eugene Domingo) of "Working Girls" and several other comic heroines.

Melai Cantiveros delivers her lines like she's been constipated for the last 12 months. In fact, it's so painful to watch her with her 5-minute verbal marathons and soliloquys. "Si Ulan, ang kapatid ko! Ang kapatid ko!" - mimicking a cry with sobs and sighs, but curiously without the tears! Taking into consideration that this is a comic vehicle, people who cry still should do so with tears, unless she has an ophthalmological condition that merits Dacryocystorhinostomy (DCR)!

Jason Francisco doesn't do as badly as he tempers Cantiveros' pull-all-the-stops countenance. But this doesn't bode well for him either since it's obvious he is incapable of standing alone without his voluble and overly labile partner. Martin del Rosario's Ulan is clumsily written. You don't know exactly where his character comes from. His motivations for "straying" are as sketchy as this singular abomination that's loud, humorless, zing-less camp.

There are a couple of characters that make this cinematic rubbish a wee bit bearable: Bianca Manalo who plays an ill-advised Brazilian model (oh yes, you better believe it!) and Pokwang as Pureza's wayward mother in a fleeting cameo. Manalo delivers an earnest portrayal that befits her supposedly mysterious mien, queenly and affecting, despite the obvious idiocy of a character such as Daniella. Brazilian model? You gotta be kidding me!

Why "Queen of the Riles"? Because she lives beside the rail track? So does a hundred other illegal settlers. Then there should be hundreds of queens, right? Priscilla (Queen of the Desert) should be very ashamed for such idiotic references.

A few scenes would display the comedic sophistication of the film:

When Gina Pareno, who orally shuffles a disgusting pustiso all throughout her scenes, delivers a punchline, she shouts: "Ay kalbo! Ay pechay!" Someone actually thought that was funny?

There's the cockroach-throwing scene where, instead of just stepping on the darn vermin, everyone bats the poor insect around! Who ever thought that was hilarious should be examined in the head.

There's the tired gag of people falling down the roof. How many times should that be repeated before it wears out its novelty? I'd say, one is enough.

Finally, there's a misplaced musical number singing a slanged-out "pakpak" to the tune of "May Pulis sa Ilalim ng Tulay". Pekpek, anyone?

You bet!

That this movie got clobbered by Harry Potter's final adieu, thank heavens there's justice on earth!

For those who believe they have a masterpiece on hand here, Geez, check your sanity! If anyone thinks of "Pureza" as anything other than horrendous, I pity you!

Si Sor Throat at si Sor Eyes meets Sister Pepa (Bella Flores).

Manic energy, annoying countenance! What works in the boob tube miserably fails on the silver screen!

Temptation Island - Sweetest Temptations in Camp Classic

Beauty contests draw women from all walks of life, each one driven by a variety of motivations – fame, fortune and the quest for what would seem like a more tangible form of self worth and independence. When Manila Sunshine Pageant makes its call to public, a bevy of interesting girls come flooding by.

Among these colorful characters: Pura K (Solenn Heusaff), a desperate beauty whose once rich family is now struggling for their old glory; Virginia P (Heart Evangelista), a haughty kolehiyala who's grappling for personal liberties (she's the unica hija in a male-dominated family); Serafina (Lovi Poe), the annoyingly catty front runner; Cristina G (Marian Rivera), the schemy hooker who's in it for the top plum - house and lot. Each one has specific reasons for their participation.

A pre-finals yacht adventure takes the ladies to the Caticlan seas. Tagging along for the ride are Tonio (Dennis Trillo), Cristina G's hustling squeeze; Joshua (John Lapus), the pageant impresario along with his boytoy and photographer Ricardo (Mikael Daez); college student Alfredo (Aljur Abrenica), who's infatuated with Virginia P, and Nimfa (Rufa Mae Quinto), Serafina's much abused alalay. As fate would have it, the ship caught fire and the aforementioned characters find themselves marooned on a desert island. With no supplies for shelter nor food for sustenance.

What follows are the hilarious squabbles, feckless and inconsequential, but undeniably fun!

Somewhere along their discord blooms romance, friendship, and jealousy. And desperate trappings to survive take them into situations that are frolicky and hilarious.

Heart Evangelista: lovely but inconsistent!

This cinematic update of the Joey Gosiengfiao 80's camp classic renames most of its characters to pay homage to Gosiengfiao who was regarded as one of Regal Films' "bold directors". To be perfectly honest about it, I only saw the original "Temptation Island" early this year (Thanks, Kyle!), but I have never had so much fun watching an old Tagalog flick with faded color schemes. It has, in fact, become a personal favorite. And one of the pleasures of watching it was predicting which new set of actors would eventually land the characters. I got the line-up 100% right, although I didn't know Dennis Trillo would be in it! Trillo would take the role of Tonio (originally played by a mestizo actor named Tonio Gutierrez), Christina G's boytoy.

In this film, the main characters were renamed into the vamps that personified Gosiengfiao's cinematic muses, mostly Alma Moreno starrers. Virginia P. was a titular character that starred Alma Moreno, Richard Gomez and Alice Dixson (Jonas Sebastian, who played the original Joshua, wrote the script for this 1989 flick). Cristina G was from "Diary of Cristina Gaston" (1982) that also starred Moreno, Alfie Anido and Jimi Melendez. Serafina was from "Nights of Serafina" shown during the "ST phase" of Philippine cinema in 1996, topbilled by an actress I barely remember, Georgia Ortega - with her consorts Mike Magat and John Apacible. Nympha was from "Nympha", another "bold flick" in 1980 that starred Moreno, Ricky Belmonte, Orestes Ojeda and Alfie Anido. It's actually Pura K (Kikinang) that I can't quite place. This character portrayed by Solenn Heusaff (in this new version) and Bambi Arambulo (in the original) could be one of Alma Moreno's characters too. This move is particularly amusing as it pays homage to Gosiengfiao who loved his women donning Regal's "wet white magic kamison" and his men in the skimpiest bikini briefs.

Lovi Poe: incandescent performance!

Heart Evangelista takes on Dina Bonnevie's kolehiyala role (a character originally named "Dina" but has since been changed to Virginia P.) Though we initially thought Heart would be perfect for the role, she hardly passed muster. Her performance brought a character that was largely inconsequential and inconsistent, vacillating between a snooty college brat and an equally infatuated girl to Alfredo's (Aljur Abrenica, who plays a the college jock) romantic pursuits. Evangelista's performance is a curiosity. We couldn't picture another actress for the same role yet she twiddles between tentatively annoying and downright forgettable. It could have been a perfect fit. What gives?

It couldn't be blamed entirely on her sparkless chemistry with Abrenica playing Alfredo, a role originally played with suave confidence by the English-proficient Alfie Anido; something that Abrenica is too far removed. Abrenica's deliveries were perfunctory and at times painful... like playing a pre-recorded dull declamatory line, robotic and wooden, taking Machete back to the fore. For this folly, the usually insightful director Chris Martinez could have tweaked the script a bit by allowing Abrenica to speak in the vernacular. Pag di kaya ang Ingles, Tagalugin! This will solve the linguistic hurdle. Unfortunately, even Abrenica's Tagalog lines were stiff and amateurish. How long has he been in the business? One year?

For all of Abrenica's physical splendor, he is hopelessly hammy, which is sad considering the fact that he is being groomed by his mother studio as a top-tier leading dramatic actor. What is with GMA's lead actors? Richard Gutierrez, Aljur Abrenica, now (from all indications) Mikael Daez? There is a consistently common denominator: beautiful, but bland!

Marian Rivera, as Cristina G, hams it up. Her zealous demeanor could have taken her character to town. Even her English affectations were in perfect sync with Azenith Briones' original performance. They play an ambitious escort girl who dreams of conquering her poverty-stricken existence. Unfortunately, her Cristina G fails to stay afloat. She may have been Marimar, Darna, Dyesebel and Amaya, but her over eager depiction of Cristina G sinks into the realm of caricature.

The lovely Marian is paired off with the ruggedly handsome Tom Rodriquez who takes on Domingo Sabado's role as the cruise ship waiter Umberto.

Solenn Heusaff wrestles with her Tagalog, but her character is well placed. Pura K grew up from an old rich family; she's well schooled and connected. But her family fortune is fast dwindling. This contest, her 4th, would hopefully take her back to her rightful social status. However, at the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think of the adorable Carla Abellana and what she could have done with the role. If you've seen her last year in "Shake, Rattle and Roll - Punerarya" (also produced by Regal Films), you would know what we're talking about.

Solenn is paired with the very green Mikael Daez as Ricardo, the kept boy (originally played by Ricky Belmonte). But Daez was unexpectedly droll. There was hardly a hint of romantic spark between the two. What's worse, Mikael doesn't register as well as he did in his Jollibee commercial or his boobtube personas for that matter. To be fair, this is his first film - shot just a few months into his entry in the business. To my mind, he could have done better with Alfredo's role - the cono jock who's smart and dependable. Aljur could have essayed the perfect callboy Ricardo. I am nevertheless looking forward to his next projects. Despite this debacle, Daez seems like a promising personality.

Alfie Anido: sorely missed!

John Lapus can't hold a candle to Jonas Sebastian's Joshua, the pageant impresario with a kept boy, who later becomes errr... "food"? Joshua is a pivotal role, taking the film's campiness to theatrical frolic. In fact, he bears a number of iconic lines, including references to the movie's title:

"How can you resist all the temptations in this island?"

"It's a sabotage, an accident, a twist of fate."

"There ought to be a law against social climbers. They ought to be executed."

"This is like Cairo, a perfect spot for a camel ride."

Lapus doesn't have the verbal cadence and vocal flourish of Sebastian, though on the whole, Lapus is a serviceable Joshua.

Aljur Abrenica takes his Machete role to heart: wooden!

Rufa Mae Quinto updates the maid's role Nympha (played originally by Deborah Sun) and owns it like it was written for her. She's always had this sardonic take on pedestrian lines, her impeccable wit at delivery is just pure joy. She simply cracks me up. There were a few scenes that showcased her comedic talent: when she was making a bench out of the dunes; her "dance of the seven veils" that ushered the scene where everyone else falls into the lure of the island; her blind servitude to her mean employer, etc.

Mikael Daez plays kept boy-photographer Ricardo.

But among the bevy of beauties on display, it is Lovi Poe who shines the brightest! She's perfectly attuned to her character - catty, ambitious, maid-toting Serafina, played in the original by Jennifer Cortez. When she flips her hair and waves a stick against her enemies, she embodies this snooty girl who looks down on everyone. She's this seductress; the vamp from hell, and obviously, Panday's sophisticated daughter. What a joy to watch!

Much of the script has been kept intact, even the treatment of scenes has been carefully studied to remain faithful to the original. Sure, cyber technology has been adequately placed, but not much else. Martinez also did away with the protracted and useless contestants' speeches that characterized the concluding portion of the original. And this time, Cristina G chooses the right man for her.

Are we in favor of the idea of remaking and updating "Temptation Island"? Absolutely! A whole new generation is not familiar with the original. There are people who wouldn't take the time to watch a grainy, almost black-and-white 1980's film. Some stories deserve to be told - again! Though this work isn't as fun as its predecessor, Martinez rides his humble boat by carefully tweaking its story line into something as close to the original - in all its campy and artistic sensibilities. It's a tough act to follow. But this is Chris Martinez, one of the most brilliant directors of his generation.

Tom Rodriguez plays the waiter Umberto.

Alfie Anido was the original Aldredo, played in the current version by Aljur Abrenica.