Cleo Paglinawan's Bugaw - Death by the Kangkungan

Lito (Jerome Pineda) is turning over a new leaf. He has decided to stop peddling his flesh to voracious gay men. He was 12 years old when he left his brother from the province to seek greener pastures, but ended up in the flesh trade. Though relatively young, Lito is changing careers from the peddled to the peddler. Now he’s pimping others for the fast buck. One night, Lito finds Efren (Jeff Luna) dancing at a gay club. He was impressed by the tall and lanky gentleman so he offers a deal that Efren couldn't resist: Efren could stay in his house for free, but Lito becomes his pimp. That way, Efren could stop dancing altogether.

Little did Efren know that Lito harbors affection on him. In fact, Lito takes care of Efren needs: he even cooks for him. But Efren gets other ideas. He wants to reunite with his former girlfriend Ellen (Adriana Gomez) who’s also a dancer in another club. “Di ka na nagsasayaw, pero puta pa rin,” jests Ellen. But Efren is serious: “Kahit magpasuso ako sa lahat ng bakla dito, gagawin ko. Makaahon lang tayo.” Such hopeful sentiment, debah? Efren then takes Ellen home to the consternation of Lito who’s not merely jealous. The bills are piling up and here comes another mouth to feed. He couldn’t afford supporting Efren and Ellen – so Lito books himself to his old clients (Ike Sadiasa). Later, he comes up with a plan to set up Ellen with a customer (Nico Baltazar). What happens when Lito clandestinely books Ellen for a session with Efren who though that his girlfriend has retired from the trade? Would Lito succeed to create animosity between the lovers? Would Efren turn his attention to the besotted Lito?

Jeff Luna

In “Bugaw”, Director Cleo Paglinawan, recreates a narrative filled with a dozen improbabilities. There are wringers in every situational turn. Why is Lito writing to his younger brother about his emerging feelings for Efren? Older brothers are supposed to be more discreet where younger (non-gay) siblings are concerned. Instead, he fills his brother’s head with irresolute thoughts. It’s also a stretch to believe that pubescent-looking Jerome Pineda and his alter ego, Lito, are jaded this early from their trade. And that someone as young as Pineda could actually manage the affairs of someone like Jeff Luna. I am sure that Luna could outhustle Pineda in manner, form or persuasion. How can Efren offer a haven to a homeless girlfriend when he himself is freeloading from Lito? Are vestiges of reason alien in third-rate cinema such as this one? When guilt consumes Lito, why did he leave his own home? The economics in such decision is quite incongruent to the financial capability of our protagonist.


Jeff Luna, despite his thespic inadequacies, is a welcome presence. He has always exuded the appeal that has made him the “it” boy of the Pink Film industry for several years now. This charm hasn’t faded one bit. The better news is: Luna has finally shown signs of confidence and artistic improvement. He isn’t as monotonous in delivery as his previous efforts. Luna – still - isn’t shy of disrobing and this is evident in a shower scene where he proudly displays his frontal appendage for his peeping landlord/pimp. Yes, there’s an engorged earthworm in Paglinawan’s cinematic canvas. :) Most times, these peekaboos are a rarity in the director’s unenviable, gag-inducing body of work.

Jeremy Ian cameos as Luna’s “macho dancing” colleague; his partner on stage (they soap each other on stage). Jerome Pineda is miscast as the prematurely retired hustler who’s in love with Luna. Pineda, though always an enthusiastic performer, is more perfunctory than believable. Age and experience are a factor to this, clearly. Adriana Gomez looks waylaid in most of her scenes. This is mostly because her character is ill-conceived and underdeveloped. In fact, it’s clear that Ellen is a mere afterthought in the story. She might as well get buried in this heap of mediocrity. Gomez, if you haven’t noticed, is one of 2012’s busiest actresses. This is great news for the sexy actress who was introduced early this year in GA Villafuerte’s plagiarized “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha”. Gomez is even able to secure a role for a Cinema One flick that’s getting screened this November.

Adriana Gomez as Ellen and Jerome Pineda as lovelorn Lito.

The script is written, once again, by Kenneth Montero and Cleo Paglinawan. Darry dela Cruz, a ubiquitous presence in many Paglinawan flicks, wears the Assistant Director’s hat. How can anything so dry and technically impoverished be the end-product of more than one brain? You wonder. Maybe it's a cogitative calisthenics to render the bare minimum? Maybe it's a film movement outside the realm of Moron Cinema? Paglinawan's exposition is unmistakably the product of drunken stupor. Having said that, here’s the pop quiz that’s wanting to be asked: Children, what is Darry dela Cruz’s narrative trademark? Answer: His character always dies a violent death, remember?

IMAGINATIVE CONCLUSION

This time around, they get more imaginative. Lito, the flick’s main protagonist, drowns and dies in the kangkungan (water spinach). I am not kidding. Don’t laugh. It’s real. Believe it or not.      

Jeremy Ian cameos as a macho dancer.

Adriana Gomez looking fresh and innocent.

Darry dela Cruz's For Adults Only - More of Nothing

Mart Delgado (Charles Delgado) is tinseltown’s latest “it” boy. He graces blockbuster sexy flicks that are talk of the town. To up his ante, he decides to team up with his rival Lance Jacinto (Jeremy Ian) who’s only too willing to share the spotlight with Mart. The film, directed by Pink Flick auteur Popoy Legaspi, is called “Rated X”, and it promises to be as magniloquent as the title. Publicity mill starts drumming up interest and several male starlets want to be part of it. Unfortunately, just before wrapping up principal photography, the supervising producer runs away with the production budget, leaving the project unfinished and in limbo. What happens then?

To save the film, Mart and Lance decide to shoulder the expenses. But they don’t have much, and they’re desperate to get the movie done. After all, in this business, you’re only as good as your last project; and plenty is at stake here. When the director refuses to budge without payment, Mart and Lance decide to offer their non-financial assets, err, I mean “riches”. When the limpwristed camera owner refuses, Mart presents his six-inch solution. Quite fetching, right? But their carnal bounty just isn’t enough. Film editing alone costs P30,000 per session.

Then a solution presents itself: a lady (Priscilla Perez) is offering P20,000 for a concupiscent three-way with Mart and Lance. Since such “bookings” aren’t foreign to both actors, they agree to this exciting misdeed. After their libidinous session, the girl further proposes: that if Mart and Lance go at it, she would double the fee. They acquiesce, unaware that the girl is secretly recording their salacious same-sex coupling. What’s more, she is the girlfriend of one of the film’s auditionees (Rocco Mateo). Not long after, bootleg copies of their shenanigan spread like wildfire, pre-empting the commercial release of their film. Could they rely on their director’s help, who’s being relentlessly seduced by young upstart Anton (Jerome Pineda)? Will the film ever get shown? Mart and Lance have cooked up a tricky maneuver that involves a bottle of Muriatic Acid. Will this ruse work?

Charles Delgado as Mart Delgado

Jeremy Ian as Lance Jacinto

Jerome Pineda as Anton.

This week’s Pink Film tackles a familiar world. Director Darry dela Cruz’s “For Adults Only” recreates this subculture of the third-rate film business populated by the ugliest gay men I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, many of the scenes involve a flamboyant television anchor who does nothing but nag, fuss, and bitch around. He’s given carte blanche to deliver protracted monologues about how successful he is and how he’s irritated by the people around him. It was almost too painful to keep watching him insult people around when his mere presence was adequate enough for any cinematic audience to self flagellate. Crisaldo Pablo used to do this a lot – i.e. he populates his flicks with the ugliest beings ever to have walked the Earth; now Darry dela Cruz follows through.

Erotic dramas are supposed to cajole and seduce their audience, right? So – is it wise to field the most hideous creatures for people to ogle at? Were they going for titillation or vomiting? Anyone with a fourth of a brain would be cognizant to this dilemma. It’s really a no-brainer. But, lo and behold, these critters are given longer exposure than the stars of the film. I almost went out of the cinema bloating with evanescent hives and engorged larynx. You see, I am allergic to excessive ugliness, like the Madam who loves her expensive shoes. This film has that! Manong Pedring, my driver, was inconsolable as he drove me home, while I belly flop with my rendition of : “Dahil sa ‘yo nais kong mabuhay…” But let’s get back into the story.  

If you read through the narrative flow, there seems to be a crucial and considerable chronology of events, right? But the story is told in the driest of techniques, it was like watching paint dry. The only “proof of life” is Charles Delgado who looks youthful and earnest. Even Jerome Pineda frames his scenes with smug confidence – and clenched teeth, it’s baffling! Every scene is punctuated by bored blocking, they might as well film my Tita Blessy as she partakes her daily novena. At least she has more brio with her prayers. There are half a dozen shower scenes, but even these are as tired as the intelligence quotient of its makers. Yup, no peekaboos nor mushroom heads to whet the pervs’ appetites. Moreover, the sex scenes are as passionless as the drying laundry from my neighborhood window. Goodness.

Like other Cleo Paglinawan and Darry dela Cruz films, there’s always an unexplained scene where “straight guys” suddenly go at it – like rabbits in heat. After the deed, they would chat: “Ba’t natin ginawa yun? Bakla ba tayo?” Yes, check Dela Cruz and Paglinawan’s other works and this scenario is ubiquitous. Regardless of the script writer (this one is written by Len Ortega and Dela Cruz), the situational entanglements are always similar. Another familiar narrative strain is: at the end of the story, someone always dies of a violent death. This is Darry dela Cruz trademark. Straight guys shag each other then they end the living daylights out of their existence. This penchant for tragedy must be some subconscious circumspection to deal with his artistic dearth. Poor man.       

Cleo Paglinawan's Bikini King - Funny for the Wrong Reasons

Ike (Ike Sadiasa), an aging gay man, is documenting his tale before a camera prior to committing suicide.He is a jaunty talent coordinator who scours the country for able bodied young men willing to join a bikini contest, promising fame, fortune and - if they sleep with him - the crown. The invitation is, of course, more artifice than anything else. It becomes clear that his invites are meant to lure these hopeful candidates to his concupiscent bed. With balding head, sagging skin and protruding belly, Ike walks from all over town with a camera hanging down his neck. One by one, he meets his wards.

There's Peter Asuncion (Jeremy Ian), pool cleaner by day, but moonlights as an exotic dancer by night. Though initially reluctant, Pete eventually surrenders himself to the wiles of his "mentor" just so he could grab the "bikini championship", something that Ike promised. On their 5th date, Pete insists, "Dapat nasa top 5 ako." But Ike is having second thoughts about Pete's talent who proudly declares, "Pilipit man ang dila ko, derecho naman etits ko." Ike's next proteges are construction workers Rey Gatdula and Leo Delgado (Rocco Mateo and Nico Baltazar) who were likewise circumspect about the contest. While deciding, something happens between Rey and Leo. "Ano'ng nangyari sa atin kanina? Bading ba tayo? Bakit tayo nag sex?" asks Leo. To solve their dilemma, they both decide to sleep with the neighborhood slut Jenny ("yung pokpok sa kabilang kanto" - played by Barbara Chavez). They magnanimously arrive at a conclusion: "Nag enjoy tayo kay Jenny. Pero nag enjoy din naman tayo sa isa't isa." How fetching, right?

Meanwhile, Ike is making hay, recruiting even street urchins playing basketball by the road side: Paul Gutierrez of Malabon (his motto: "Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may nilaga, may hihilata!") Michael del Rosario of Caloocan; Leonardo Gatmaitan (his motto: "Di po ako naniniwala sa mga kasabihan kasi kung sinu sino lang naman nagsasabi nun - maliban na lang sa sinasabi ng nanay ko!") Finally, there's Jhustine Phaglinawan (Jerome Pineda): "I'm 18, and I'm from Cainta." His motto: "Ang lalaking mabait sa bakla ay may cash na napapala. I thank you" That being said, young and hunky Justin is desperate to win, occasionally warning his recruiter not to betray him or his father would hunt him down. While Ike gets infatuated with the charming looker, he soon learns that the Bikini Contest is shelved because of the paucity of sponsors. Meanwhile, his wards have been pressuring him about his promises. What's worse, his savings have dwindled and collectors are beating down his door. What to do?

Much as I'd hate to admit this, director Cleo Paglinawan's latest flick has more narrative flesh than any of her other works combined. In fact, a hint of sarcasm is held up against the exploitative nature inherent in such male pageants. However, satire only works when it's well executed or performed. Otherwise, the gnawing message gets lost in artistic subordinacy. This isn't saying that "Bikini King" is a superior work. I'd croak first if I were to say that. Paglinawan's artistic dearth is as discernible in the film's redundant scenes as it is in her ability to weave valid situations: there's too much shower and bathing scenes that seem to tie up the incipient vestiges of a story. If these aren't bathing scenes, they come in the form of nubile young men posing and parading around in their skimpy bikini briefs, getting soaked by a gush of water (all filmed in Villa Apolonia in San Mateo, Rizal).

Despite Paglinawan's fecundity of bathing scenes, you hardly find any peekaboo scenes in ANY of her films. Sure, the girls get to show their bumpers (Barbara Chavez wiggles her boobies in another shower scene and in her separate bed scenes with Rocco Mateo and cutie pie Nico Baltazar) but the guys merely tantalize with their bulge-heavy briefs - or backsides (at the most).

Jeremy Ian's very thick Visayan accent is bothersome. He says "eee-teets" for "etits", and isn't it hilarious teaching him how the word is pronounced? Try this, Jeremy: "eh-teets"! Once again, try it with feelings: "eh-teets". Got it? In another Q&A scene, Jeremy declares that the way to "ak-chieve" love is by world peace! No one on the set knew how "achieve" is rightfully pronounced? :)

Jerome Pineda, like in his previous cinematic effort, appears natural and comfortable with his delivery. Coupled with masculine good looks and youthful charm, Pineda should be able to "graduate" from these gag-inducing Paglinawan flicks soon! I am keeping my fingers crossed for this. However, the closing frame of the movie announces the production's coming releases: "Hubadero" and "Malasado". If you think I am kidding, think again! Oh dear heavens, how have you abandoned us. Indeed! :)

Like most of Paglinawan's ouvres, the element of carelessness is conspicuous. In a scene where Jeremy Ian is supposed to show off his acting talent, he declares: "Pinagtiwalaan pa naman kita! Bakit mo ako ginaganito? Pinagtiwalaan kita!" It is, clearly, "pinagkatiwalaan". These simple lapses are easily remediable, yet you find them in the final cut. Even simple sentences are met with great difficulty. Rocco (as construction worker Rey) asks Leo: "Kaya ba (3 second pause) natin talaga?" Scenes like these define the mind set of its film makers, don't they? In Paglinawan's stories, things just happen without due antecedent. They happen with no building narrative. It's like constructing a building with nothing but walls and ceilings, but there are no posts.

Some lines are too baffling to take seriously: "Ang tunay na Bikini King, kayang ipaglaban ang may katwiran!" Really? Your bikini makes you do that? Here's a funnier line from a contestant: "Naniniwala ako na ang taong masipag ay hindi tamad!" Ohmygoodness! Tama nga naman. 

In another scene, Ike is trying to convince Rey and Leo to join the contest. He says, "Rarampa lang naman kayong naka brief. Haharap sa mga tao." Leo asks, "Madali lang ba 'yun?" Ike replies, "Ang tawag dun, PASSION!" I fell off my seat and found the letter "f" down the floor. So that's where it was! Anything else on the floor? Guess.
    

Barbara Chavez as Jenny.

Adorable Jerome Pineda lures you to his boudoir. 

Monkeying around with Jeremy Ian (left) and Jerome Pineda (right).

Noli Salvador's Kapalit ng Ligaya - Elementary Exercises

Mico (Rocco Mateo) is an unemployed loafer who lives with his friend Jerry (Jeremy Ian). He’s also oblivious of his friend’s growing affection for him mostly because he spends his time pursuing shy, but hardworking student Gina (Sidra Lorenzo). Gina only wants to finish her studies so she could provide a better life for her impoverished family in the province. But Mico persists, even promising the moon, the sun and the nearest galaxy of Ursa Minor (though I would suggest he should start by looking for a job first). She initially brushes him off until the inevitable happens. She falls for the gentleman’s eccentric swagger (he walks like a newly circumcised guy, I kid you not). Besides, what girl wouldn’t gravitate towards a guy who, on their first meeting – while she walks home from school – asks her, “Kailan mo ba ako sasagutin?”  He isn’t in a hurry, is he? J

Meanwhile, their neighborhood is besieged by a drug peddling syndicate. Cocky and self-assured Eric (Charles Delgado), one of Mico’s friends, is running around, selling drugs. The local police have been alerted and they’re itching for a sting that would entrap the pusher. One day, during a calculated operation, Eric throws his stash to Mico during a hot pursuit. This throws our indolent protagonist to jail. With no hope in sight for helpless Mico, Gina intervenes by offering herself to the drug enforcement head honcho Col. Henry Marcelino (former sexy stud Lucas Leonardo), one of Gina’s ardent suitors. Broken hearted by her own decision, she quits school altogether, comes home, then marries the pudgy gentleman in exchange of Mico’s freedom, thus “Kapalit ng Ligaya”.

While Henry is a loving husband and a good provider, we learn about the colonel’s illness: Prostatic Cancer, stage 4. Not only is it a terminal condition, but (the more immediate concern, if we were to believe the film) this disallows him to father a child. Poor Gina, debah? No Mico na nga, no “ligaya” and no “child” pa! Tsk tsk tsk! Little did Gina know that her friend and classmate Lara (Mia Henares) has already informed the authorities of his boyfriend Eric’s guilt, and subsequently, Mico’s innocence. Mico is eventually released. But what is his freedom for if he lost Gina in the process? Sniff!

Sidra Lorenzo plays Gina, the main protagonist. Unfortunately for Sidra, they forgot to put her on the theatrical poster.

Director Noli Salvador (“Haliparot: Mana sa Ina”) is back with narrative sketches that seem too rudimentary to be believable. His characters mirror nothing close to how people converse, move, reciprocate or behave in real life. I am aware that “fallibility of character” is an element in tragedy, but people in this story don’t seem to employ logic where a natural course of conversation is supposed to run its course. When does a guy court a girl and ask for her commitment on their very first meeting? And let’s not even forget that this occurred on the street. Classy, right? Moreover, Mateo isn’t even in the league of, say Derek Ramsay, Matteo Guidicelli or Rocco Nacino whose mere appearance can inspire a “yes” even before they ask! If someone does that to me, I’d have accommodated him with my gonad-cracking high kick! Remember, I may be wearing heels during such time – so imagine the consequences.

Rocco Mateo’s constant presence (he’s the guy in the center of the poster) in Pink Films is an enigma. He isn’t exactly God’s gift to women in the looks department. He isn’t gym-fit or possessing a six pack. Some guys get their allure when they smile. Mateo clearly doesn’t have the Close-Up grin either. He walks like he’d rather sleep because something’s too heavy between the legs. That must be it? His cinematic magic? J More importantly, he delivers his lines like he is munching on an apricot (para sosyal, debah). Sidra Lorenzo, the female lead, who didn’t even make it in the theatrical poster (isn’t that hilarious?), complements Mateo’s blandness, she does a wee better in Jigz Recto’s “Kasalo”. Jeremy Ian is forgettable in this flick. Heck, he isn’t even given a 3-seconder to flash his considerable “possessions”. His narrative strain is cut short like a premature ejac -  errr… I mean, he’s prematurely ejected from the story!

Jeremy Ian plays Jerry who's in love with his roommate Mico.

FLICKERS OF INSPIRATION

Lucas Leonardo, looking a little too heavy for a former sexy stud, is satisfactory with his lines. In fact, he is one of the few earnest characters in a mediocre story. Then again, he was mentored by a good director during his prime, Maryo J. de los Reyes. In fact, he was in several flicks like “Tumakas Ka Sa Mundong Makasalanan” (with Yda Manzano), “Pahiram Kahit Sandali” (with Ara Mina and Alice Dixson), “Saplot” (with Monica Midler, Paolo Rivero and Kriselda Kristel) and the heart-warming “Huwag Po, Huwag Po” (with Hazel Espinosa, Allen Dizon, Zoltan Amore and John Apacible). Charles Delgado also turns in a good performance as the drug peddling Eric though his part was unceremoniously clipped. Delgado is comfortable with his lines and he seems to understand his motivations, despite an execrable script. This is probably because he’s been in the business for quite some time now, even disrobing and flashing his pecker when he was just 16 or 17 years old (for “Booking”, “Boylets” and “S.R.O.”) That was just 5 or 6 years ago. Wasn’t child pornography a law then? I wonder.

THE FORGETTABLES OF 2012

Like many indie flicks and queer cinema this year, “Kapalit ng Ligaya” came and went without people noticing it. It didn’t have the social media publicity blitzkrieg of those vomit-worthy G.A. Villafuerte flicks so almost no one knew about it. It had its commercial release last March 21 (2012), but suffered the fate of other 2012 flicks like Paul Singh Cudail’s “Maligalig” (April 18), GA Villafuerte’s “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha” (May 23), Darry dela Cruz’s “Extra Serbis” (February 29) and Cleo Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula” (April 4). What fate again? No one knew they existed when they were on commercial release. If you ask me, this is good development because these are some of the worst films to come out since Jose Nepomuceno screened his “Dalagang Bukid” (Country Maiden) in 1919 – the first film produced by a Filipino. 93 years later, some cinemas exhibit films like “Id’nal (Mapusok)” and “Kapalit ng Ligaya”. Where has evolution gone? Why have we basically reverted back to the intellectual capacity of the Cro Magnons?

Mia Henares with then boyfriend Charles Delgado

Charles Delgado, a screen veteran at 22/23.

Charles Delgado displays his wares. This photo is courtesy of rddantes.com.

Mia Henares plays Lara, a student in "Kapalit ng Ligaya"

MIa Henares

Lucas Leonardo in his heyday.

Note:

Please read our featured post about Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Edz Espiritu's Hubo - Stupid as Stupid Gets

People should have been duly warned about Director Edz Espiritu’s return to commercial cinema in his latest offering “Hubo” (Naked). But then most catastrophes come unannounced like the tsunamis of Indonesia, the earthquakes of Turkey and the lethal landslides of the south. They creep in like the rancid thief in the night. This film is no different.

Arkey (Arkey Munoz) is a highly respected painter with a lucrative stature in the industry. One day, he is contracted by a high-paying client for his next obra. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a subject who could enveigle the same artistic inspiration he once enjoyed with now-wife Adriana. With the help of his business associate and confidant (Jobben Bello), he meets Lance (Lance Lopez of “Anton Tubero”), the cash-strapped brother of Ian (Jeremy Ian) who is Jobben’s lover. Sparks fly when Lance shows off his well sculpted body - and Arkey’s quandary turns into artistic euphoria. “Nakikita ko sa kanya ang isang obra,” remarks Jobben as they ogle at Lance’s half naked body. “Turuan ninyo ako,” Lance quips. “Madali lang yun, mag po-pose ka lang ng hubo’t hubad – walang malisya!” informs Arkey who, by this time, has got his tongue wagging and salivating below his umbilicus.

During their first session, Lance turns into the perfect mannequin – the Machete of the new millennium, if you must. He also meets Arkey’s voluptuous wife Adriana (Adriana Gomez) who’s been married to the artist for 5 years. Unknown to Lance, Adriana has endured their cold marital bed with her disinterested husband, she might as well turn into an icicle. You don’t exactly wonder why they remain childless. But the day Lance shows up, Arkey gets his libido back. Adriana is happy, but something unsettles the temperamental artist.

One day, Arkey unravels his dilemma to his friend Jobben:  “Magmula nung makatrabaho ko si Lance, parang gusto kong makipagtalik sa lalaki.” Jobben offers a solution: a tryst with a discreet rentboy (Mikho Madrid) and a pocketful of aphrodisiac which tends to further saturate the already murky waters. After all, why give a horned out guy Viagra? This barely makes sense. Moreover, Arkey is married; what’s the logic of peddling a male hustler to a guy who’s in a moral quandary? It’s like dousing gasoline on a flicker of light.

But things turn to a head when Arkey is enshrouded by a baffling sense of paranoia and jealousy geared towards Adrianna and Lance. Are they having an affair? What becomes of Arkey’s pent up desire for Lance?

In what could easily be one of the year's silliest, funniest, most mindless ouvre, director Espiritu once again exhibits his stark cluelessness with his craft. And if the opening scenes are an indication, you would readily discern the sound of your cinema admission flushing down the drain - right down to the lattrine filled with excreta. He labels this as "A Master piece film by..." Isn't he even aware that "masterpiece" is a compound word?  Master piece? Is it like "Master bate"? Could "master" be the adjective of "piece"? This is certainly a first.

WANTED MODELS

This movie boasts of a gazillion inanities. When the job was offered to Arkey, they were beset with a huge problem - the absence of a model who shall pose naked before the esteemed painter! So we see them brood around waiting for nothing. Haven't they ever heard of auditions? Or go-sees? Jobben once again offers brilliant suggestions: "Punta tayo sa Pampanga!" Haha. What's in Pampanga that isn't found in the great metropolis of Manila? Or the backroads of Bukidnon, Marinduque, Basilan , Negros, or the Babuyan Islands? Jeez! When this didn't pan out, he offers a more horrific solution: "gay bar!" I almost fell off my seat! What idiot can't find a model for a highly respected painter ("a legend" is how they refer to him) that he had to scour gaybars for?

The film is also riddled with cringe-worthy and homophobic lines:

After enjoying a lay on the hay with his boytoy Ian, Jobben tells the latter: "Sana mahalin mo ako ng buong buo kahit ganito ang kalagayan ko." Is he inflicted with an infectious, incurable disease?

Arkey would say: "Di ko nga alam kung ano ang pagkatao ko." As though having feelings for another guy makes him a monster of unknown DNA series. :)

HOMOSEXUALITY IS DETESTABLE

Now brace yourselves for the arcane as Arkey theatrically espouses on his nature: "Ang obra ng katawan ko ang humuhubog ng pagkatao ko. Ang obra ang pilit kong inililihim." Huh? And he further delivers his gibberish to underline the fact that his homosexuality is such a detestable condition. It should, in fact, be kept hidden at all cost. Isn't it ironic that a Pink Film sees homosexuality as a deplorable, gag-inducing condition? The same film that has so blatantly displayed Lance Lopez and Jeremy Ian's considerable inches in a couple of 5-second flashes (Lance takes his briefs off in front of Adrianna; Jeremy soaps his body as his appendage hangs like a half mast flag).

Espiritu exploits his actors further by displaying them in poster size full frontal nudes displayed in Arkey's work room - and if you don't blink, you would definitely appreciate the "length" that these actors underwent to accomplish their roles. Yes, Ian Felix Alquiros' photographic genius (of the naked form) is on full display but then that's beside the point.

THREE THIRD SESSIONS

Espiritu's cinematic bewilderment is on display in a series of scenes that come off like drugged out spectacles. After canoodling with callboy Mikho (he is Mico in one film, Mickho in another, then Mikho here - go figure), Arkey comes home and finds wife Adrianna kissing Lance. He gets to his studio and waits for Lance, then tells him that this third session would be their last! "Ayoko ng makita ang pagmumukha mo rito," he tells his model.  The next scene has him storming off and out the gate where he meets the newly arrived Lance. Huh? Wasn't Lance inside his studio? They even exchange pleasantries. "Saan ka pupunta?" "Bibili lang ako ng supplies." How easily he forgets that he just fired him. Next scene has Lance arriving again for his 3rd third session? Are we expecting triplets here? This time, Arkey finds Lance and Adrianna going at it like rabbits. After all, he laced their drinks with the same aphrodisiac given to him by Jobben. But it begs the question: why would you set up your wife and your model for a fast shag?

The succeeding scenes are painful to watch. He orders Adriana to get the rope: "Lyu-ped! Lyu-ped! Kunin mo ang lyu-ped, Adriana!" Arkey sounds like he has a huge appendage stuck down his throat so "lubid" sounds "lyu-ped". Adriana ties Lance to a chair, then Arkey subsequently ties down his wife. He then begins to touch Lance, flicking his pert nipples, then (goodness!) fellating him until Lance spurts a dash of milky substance on his 8-pack abdomen. All throughout this inspired ordeal, we see Arkey cry, shout, growl, scowls, huffs and frets like a raving confused lunatic. Was he jealous? Was he having schizophrenic attacks? How else do you explain the distinct change of emotions and affect? Arkey Munoz seems to have been given the notion that bawling his heart out is excellent acting, but what we experience is a protracted annoyance to a dog whose bark doesn't really bite as rabidly as the noise he creates. If you hated Arkey Munoz in Edz Espiritu's "Masikip sa Tatlo" - one of the most horrendous films to come out from last year, you would easily hate him more in this cinematic vomitus.    

Arkey, the painter, rubs oil on Lance's sculpted chest, specifically lingering on his nipples.

How are the performances? Lance Lopez may have successfully passed muster in "Anton Tubero", but in "Hubo", his smoldering look is lost in a single facial expression that highlights how under-directed he is. He wears this generic facial expression - that never waxes and wanes - which is such a waste of a strong screen presence. After all, you cannot merely coast on an arresting presence, lest you want to be exiled to cinematic limbo. On his first nude session with the painter, Lance looks nonplussed while the painter languidly rubs oil over his body (talk about that special touch), specifically lingering and flicking his left nipple in wild abandon. That should have elicited a different emotion. Well, it didn't. He was as stolid and lethargic. He reminded me of Derek Ramsey, the smoldering igneous rock. Only inanimate objects - like the igneous rock - fail to show emotions. Are Lance and Derek rocks?

Adriana Gomez sashays into the screen like she's walking the catwalk. To be fair, her aura provides a breath of fresh air. She looks classy and moves like a queen, albeit in constant heat. Otherwise, she is not made to do much except gaze longingly at hubby Arkey and model Lance. She has a very revealing shower scene, flabby buttocks, pert breasts, and shaved frontals in full view. Adriana's advantage is that she bears a glimmer of sophistication which is a far cry from second-tier sex nymphets that populate these Pink Films. We earlier saw her in "Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha" (our review coming soon). She might as well be one of those classy Hot Babes of the 90's. Yun nga lang, when she showers, she doesn't wet her hair. This exposes her to dandruff and head lice, debah? Ouch.

Jobben Bello could have been a decent supporting character. Unfortunately, he sees himself as part of the major action and fashions himself as the uber-thespian. In fact, when Arkey drops by his place to seek emotional refuge, we see Jobben shed his tears so unabashedly - even before Arkey tells him what his problem was. Cry me an ocean talaga! He goes the same thespic route when Arkey calls him after having tied down Adriana and Lance. Jobben does a Vilma Santos-style "ngarag" schtick a la "Relasyon". With tears dripping down his adequately fed cheeks, unties their ropes, writes a cheque for Lance and mumbles the gibberish "mata sa mata, laman sa laman", then even gets Lance to sign a "receipt". All sense of urgency briskly dissipates during this cheque-signing session. Haha.

Bello even enjoys a couple more theatrical scenes: one had him caressing Lance's nude portrait while he cries to the heavens, saying, "Sinira ko ang buhay mo, Lance." You would think that Lance was dismembered or killed! The other has him saying goodbye to lover Ian who tells him: "Minahal kita ng buong buo." Huh? Bello should learn how to temper his moments if he wants to be an effective supporting character instead of fashioning himself as anything other than a support. Otherwise, he comes off annoying and irritating much like the rest of this atrocity. He should take lessons from Cris Pablo's comic muse, Chamyto Aguedan. With Aguedan, you don't feel like throwing rotten tomato at the screen. Bello, on the other hand, inspires such proclivities.

Jeremy Ian doesn't do much although he has a spotlight shower scene. Did you expect anything less? Yes, Jeremy, we know you have "gifts". Unfortunately, not where his performance or delivery is concerned. He spews his lines in robotic, staccato convention - not unlike a 6 year old tasked to deliver her "Little Red Riding Hood" lines. At least the latter has the verve. The same is true with Mikho Madrid who has an accent as thick as a Victor Hugo novel.

The film making crew is as bad. We have a cinematographer (Ipe Alvarez) whose gimmicky idea of fast zoom ins and zoom outs are as exasperating as his actors. You don't understand this rankling style at all. What's worse, most of the scenes are laced with a schizopheric sound and music (by Tony Cortez) who shifts from a suspenseful musical strain to a sax music, then to a ballad as gag-inducing as Air Supply's "Goodbye" - all in a 15 minute scene. He doesn't understand the specific emotional content of the moment so he lathers them with 3 to 4 genres of music. Ano ba talaga, kuya? More succinctly, what planet do these creatures come from?

The film opens with a premise written by someone in dire need of grammar lessons: "You are a respected legend, how will you admit that you are a gay?" Please don't laugh yet. Reserve that for the statement written at the end of the film: "Yes, I was born this way!" Move over, Lady Gaga! After having been embarrassed of his sexual orientation all throughout the narrative, the writer shifts gear with this Gay Empowerment hurrah! I was ready to chant: "Don't be a drag, just be a queen. Whether you're broke or evergreen. You're black, white, beige, chola descent. You're Lebanese. You're orient!"

Lastly, after Adriana whispers something to Lance ("Mahal kita, Lance... pero hiwalay na muna tayo."), we eventually find them riding away together. Now tell me Edz Espiritu isn't a confused being? The appropriate adjective is really in the title.

Arkey daydreams of a soiree with Lance.

Jobben and loverboy Ian

Ian Felix Alquiros' photographic nudes on full display in the movie.

Lance arrives for his 3rd session, yet earlier, he was already fired! They forgot? LOL

Adriana Gomez, Arkey Munoz and Lance Lopez

Lance Lopez

Lance Lopez

Adriana Gomez

Adriana Gomez

Adriana Gomez

Cleo Paglinawan's Mga Lalake Sa Balsa - Of Underwear Holes & Rafters Who Never Sail

In a remote riverside town, able-bodied rafters (“magbabalsa”) peddle their flesh to tourists to augment their meager income. Times are hard, and customers are a dwindling breed. This is real life for Arnold (Jeremy Ian). After all, his mother was a hooker. While he desperately mopes around, roommate Tirso (Rocco Mateo) patiently listens to his constant gripes. Arnold is also unaware that Tirso harbors recondite affection for him.

If Tirso could have his way, he would sell his hut (“kubo”) so Arnold and he could start anew in the big city. Meanwhile, Lea (Barbara Chavez) – a married girl whose husband up and went because of his her penchant for canoodling with the town’s male population – has become Arnold’s constant benefactor and girl friend. During Tirso and Lea’s conscupiscent rendezvous, Tirso is left to his own devise wanking over his friend’s soiled briefs.

Meanwhile, aggressive and enterprising Jessie (Jerome Pineda) doesn’t think twice about turning tricks – even for a measly P100 with his limp wristed neighbor (Ike Sadiasa). Brimming with machismo, he offers his wares to any willing customer. But one person is particularly immune to his charms – the eternally lecherous Lea who is so infatuated with his hustling lover Arnold. “Ba’t di mo patulan si Jessie?” Arnold tells Lea but she wouldn’t hear of it.  

One day, tragedy strikes when JC (Mico Madrid – aka Mickho Madrid) forces himself on Jessie’s errr… uncharted territory. Despite Jessie’s colorful sexual past, taking it from his backside was beyond his limit. He suddenly feels violated, debased… “binaboy”, he laments. This event unravels into a tragic turn that has grave repercussions in the lives of his friends.

Jeremy Ian is Arnold

Director Cleo Paglinawan (“S.R.O.”, “Itlog na Pula”) returns with Kenneth Montero’s trite and confused story. In fact, “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is a second banana to Monti Parungao’s decidedly middling “Sagwan”. To be fair, “Sagwan” feels like a masterpiece beside this atrocity. Paglinawan seems to be experimenting on how to pull down the iota of artistic standard she possesses. And she has succeeded in doing just that. She has done assistant directorial duties (under another mediocre director, Joven Tan) in countless B-movies that it’s baffling why she never learned the medium (“Bahay ni Lola 2”, ”Paupahan”, “Vhagetz”, “Project X”, “Eskandalo”, ”Binyag”, “Booking”, “Tutok”, “Dalaw”, “Bigasan”, “Dampi”, “Indie Boys”, etc.) Clearly, the blind can’t lead another into the light. Bad teachers can never mold better students.  

VEGETABLE CONNECTION

To some people, experience is obviously not the best teacher. How else do you explain the conundrum that’s Cleofe Paglinawan? If you saw her “Itlog na Pula” shown last April (wait for our review in this blog), you would agree with me when I say that these two films feel so similar, you could randomly insert scenes from either films and you wouldn’t notice the difference! Telling a simple story is a major dilemma for Paglinawan and her storytelling posse which, then, begs the question – why stay in a business that you so miserably botch every time? She could be more productive planting say, turnips, or patola and mustasa. Or even kadyos! My dad loves kadyos – so Paglinawan will make one soul happy if she switches careers! If she has green thumbs, she could even get herself declared “Farmer of the Year” in Bayombong, Catanduanes or Tawi Tawi. Ayaw n'ya nun? It's a relatively more promising career!

Jerome Pineda exudes good looks, confidence and natural charisma.

JESSIE, JC

“Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is told in chronology, but it might as well be otherwise. Now here are just a few of the befuddling loopholes in its very elementary narrative. I was transported to the twilight zone when, from out of the blue, Jerome Pineda’s character Jessie suddenly bursts into “Baboy ka JC!” – as he stands with wet white briefs on riverine waters. Where did his palpable indignation come from? Isn’t Pineda’s character named Jessie? Was there another Jessie? Turns out, the town voyeur – played by Mico Madrid – is homonymously named JC! Brilliant, right? Such flashes of inspiration. Jessie and JC! Weeh. Is there a dearth of names I wasn’t aware of? Or does this highlight the limited ideation of the scriptwriter? Mind you, naming characters has got to be the hardest preoccupation for a writer, debah?

Here's a possibility. There could only be one Jessie. Mico Madrid's character could originally be left unnamed, but some time, during the filming, the actors were fed the name of Jessie, thus this confusion! But adhering to this theory is highlighting the fact that the film makers are nothing but bunch of sniveling morons with brains the size of a mosquito. How can you not remember the name of characters you yourselves created? Thinking this much gives you toothache ba? :)

Mico's character hides behind rocks and bushes as he salivates on Jeremy Ian, Rocco Mateo and Jerome Pineda who enjoy several bath scenes (river and bathroom). These barrio boys are so hygienic, don’t you think? Moreover, when they bathe at the batis, they all assume supine position - they lie on their back with face and crotch upward! Is this how we are supposed to enjoy the river? This must be the new fad for summer! How fashionable!

Now why was JC “baboy”? Does he mimic porcine snort? Does he eat slop or kangkong? Not really. Towards the film’s conclusion, the dastardly deed is shown. JC sodomizes the unwilling Jessie during a transaction gone awry. (Jessie expects oral service, but JC overpowers the obviously mightier, taller, more muscular Jessie.) The film editor evidently misplaced the post-“rape” scenes of a grieving Jessie 30 minutes too early, and we’re not even talking about “flashbacks” since the narrative is, as said earlier, told in chronology. 

If the narrative thread is familiar, it is probably because (director) Darry dela Cruz is on board as Paglinawan’s assistant director. You see, in Dela Cruz’s films (“Bingwit”, “Daklot”, “Frontal”), his main characters always resort to prostitution, then someone always dies in the end. “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is no different. In fact, two major characters die! How’s that for leveling up? J

Barbara Chavez as Lea, Mico Madrid (now Mickho Madrid) is the town voyeur JC

TATTERED BRIEFS

If you need a good laugh, look no further and take note of a couple of separate scenes involving Jeremy Ian and Jerome Pineda where, with cameras panning closely on their crotches, you notice big “holes” on their underwear! Holes! I swear I could see the rings of Venus and the moons of Jupiter. Or was that my imagination? What is this world coming to when a film production cannot even afford decent underwear for their actors? I was actually willing to loan my yaya to the production because she is excellent where needle work and sewing are concerned. In fact, I was ready to practice my crochet on those tattered undergarments, most especially Jerome’s. Ayayayayay! I whole heartedly volunteer! J

NO RAFTING

What’s funnier is how we never see these “rafters” row a balsa – not once. The rafts shown were broken and, surely, rafts couldn’t buoy on rocks. This makes the title - “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa” - spurious. Rafters who never sail? Ang galeng, right Chris Tiu?

Robots populate this ouvre, but you can hardly blame the actors who are made to portray character sketches with no valid sense of intent, each one a fallacious caricature. It’s likewise hard to impart empathy on people who deliver lines as oddly as this lot.

GLIMMER OF LIGHT

But there’s a surprising find at the end of this nebulous adventure – newcomer Jerome Pineda! With his gorgeous masculine features, Pineda delivers lines earnestly and naturally as though he has done this several times in the past. Yet this is just his second film (we saw him earlier in Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”). Sure, his lines are befuddling, and the situations are egregious, but Pineda exudes confidence and a star swagger. It doesn’t hurt that he is exceedingly easy on the eyes! Barbara Chavez looks particularly doped out. Poor girl! As for the rest, let’s just say that their parts haven’t been kind to them.

So why should I?

Rocco Mateo is Tirso. He's in love with his friend Arnold.

Mico Madrid smells the plant? Or his underarm? :)

Jerome Pineda: naughty smirk!

Jerome Pineda invites you to his shower. :)

Barbara Chavez looked dazed all throughout.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig.
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Darry dela Cruz's Frontal - Fraudulent Titling

Diego and Thelma (Jeremy Ian and Bambi Martinez) are an impulsive couple who plunge into marital bliss without deliberating on the economics of such union. In fact, Thelma traded a burgeoning clientele as a hooker for Diego's embrace. The latter meanwhile tends to a vegetable farm and does odd jobs for a piggery. But his friend Nestor (Miko Madrid) helps out whenever Diego is in a bind. 

Sadder thing is, love and kisses don't suffice when the stomach churns with hunger pains. Soon, the couple is left with nothing but hollow diatribes. "Maghanap ka ng paraan. Obligasyon mo na buhayin ako," points Thelma. Diego can only turn to the libidinous fag (Ike Sadiasa) who's more than willing to shell out whatever he has to get the strapping lad in bed. Soon, it isn't only the scenic Mayon Volcano spewing incalescence. "Dapat mag porno ka," suggested the old fag, as he showers Diego with platitudes in honor of his gargantuan endowments. "Ngayon ko nga lang uli to nagawa," relates Diego who once surrendered himself to a high school teacher in exchange of a passing grade. Isn't it inspiring how some people resort to the industry of the gradually growing inches to get their way? Hmm.

Meanwhile, Nestor tries convincing his friend Diego to try the porn industry in Manila. While Diego is conflicted, Thelma doesn't think twice. She wants in on the ruse. After all, P20,000 isn't a bad deal in exchange of shagging on cam. "'Di ka ba nahihiya? Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait?" charged Diego, but Thelma replies with: "Mas nakakahiya ang mamatay sa gutom!" Of course they had to repeat this argument twice to lay on the theatrics (as though the writer had a bad case of mental block).

The couple eventually finds their way to Manila. They shoot the film then head back home. While Thelma seems remorseless. Diego, the reluctant porn actor, is cloaked with attrition. He would talk to the swine he's tending: "Pareho na tayong baboy. Sa ginawa ko, mas bida pa ang tarugo ko. Kulang na lang kakain ako ng darak." How Shakespearean, right? But while he grieves over spilled milk, their "fortune" is once again briskly depleting. What happens to Thelma and Diego?  

Bambi Martinez and Jeremy Ian play wife and husband.

Director Darry dela Cruz is probably on his 4th feature film this year so it is a wonder why he never seems to evince growth as a film maker. His narratives are always half baked and his skills are likewise as insipid as his previous efforts. Haven't you learned anything from experience, 'te? 

WHISPERING WONDERS

The bad habits of several indies a couple of years ago has resurfaced: loud dictation of lines to actors who come unprepared. After sex with Diego, the gay elderly is heard delivering lines dictated to him (by someone off cam): "Isa pa please. Pero dun tayo sa bahay n'yo para maiba ang ambiance." Huh? How moronic and just plain lazy not to even rehearse your amateur actors' lines. 

Isn't this Ike Sadiasa's 12th film in 6 months? Sadiasa is a constant "character" fixture where third-rate, fly-by-night productions are concerned. He is wrinkly, hammy, balding, effete - and is in desperate need of coaching. He is neither funny nor sympathetic so his presence in these cinematic equations is baffling. Why do half wit directors insist on hiring gag-inducing characters for a genre that's purported to titillate its audience? Seriously, would you rather inspire vomiting than stroke up your paying audience's libido? Isn't the answer a no-brainer?

Lester Herrera's music is nothing but half a dozen musical bars that are incessantly repeated ad nauseam. If it doesn't irritate, I don't know what would. Sure, they've gotten rid of canned music which constitutes copyright infringements, but the production is indubitably left with close to nothing. They had to re-cue the same melodic strain again and again... like a bad musical nightmare. 

Camera work left nothing to be desired. In the scene where Thelma and Diego are supposedly taking the bus to Manila, the camera pans on the scenery from outside the window - and as hard as they tried, they could not even get a good view of majestic Mayon Volcano, I almost peed on the floor with hilarity. Poor cinematographer. My Grade 3 niece holds a steadier camera. Parkinson's? Tsk tsk tsk!

Jeremy Ian and Miko Madrid play friends Diego and Nestor respectively.

Are there "frontals" as the title promises? Bambi Martinez, that toothsome nymphet from "Kasalo", returns with her now-familiar "exasperated" form of acting. Though eternally huffy, Martinez is nevertheless generous to display her pigmented nipples all throughout the film. There are a lot of mammarian peekaboos here. Jeremy Ian, who is on his umpteenth appearance this year, displays his backside a couple of times (not much else). He delivers with zombified ennui which is a wonder because he didn't do so badly in his first starrer, "Lihim ni Adonis". 

Miko Madrid suffers a similar dilemma. He displays his humdrum delivery. Does he show anything in matters of, errr inches? Inches are, in fact, a figment of imagination in this flick... so try elsewhere if you're after that. The more appropriate title should be "The Behinds" or "Backside of Poverty" (I am such a brilliant titlist, don't you think?) Madrid should also practice his elocution because he tends to emphasize his words with comic punctuations: "Bitin ako sa 'yo, Tilma!" Jeremy counters this with an endearing: "Di nahiya na pumatol sa akin dahil sa pira." To be honest about it, I wasn't too sure if Jeremy's character was really named Diego or Jigo (you can only get so much information from a flawed sound and the thickest accents this corner of the globe), but for the sake of discussion, let me settle with "Diego". At least, Darry dela Cruz's flick has become interactive! Ain't this fun?

And surely, it's more pun in the Pilifin!

Jeremy Ian