Darry dela Cruz's Malasado - Watered Down and Overeasy

Levi (AR de Castro) and Pete (Zander Cruz) are close friends. They’re supportive of each other’s needs. They even share a single bed in an apartment. Pete is particularly vulnerable. He’s desperately in love with Lorie (Adriana Gomez), the girl next door. He claims he’d do “anything” for the girl. But what he doesn't know is that his friend Levi and Lorie are already a couple. Levi is particularly disconcerted with the situation. But there’s more to this choleric situation than meets the eye. Levi is in fact harboring affection for Pete. Aren't we confused yet? J And he couldn't control this cantankerous proclivity.

One night, while Pete is heavily inebriated and stuporous, Levi gets the chance to have his way with Pete’s considerable bulges. As his friend sleeps, Levi’s hands – and tongue - wander where they shouldn't  Pete thought this was just a vivid wet dream involving Lorie. Meanwhile, Levi is remorseful – and drawn to his friend more than ever. After all, you can’t get enough of a good thing, debah?

Pete eventually learns of his friend’s attraction for him. As a favor to the accommodating Lorie, Pete agrees for a “romp on the hay” with friend Levi. This would put him in good stead with the schemy Lorie, right? But situation turns sour when Pete couldn't deal with what happened. One night, he smothers Levi in his sleep. What happens to lovestruck Levi? Would love or justice prevail?

Adriana Gomez

Director Darry dela Cruz’s “Malasado” presents ferociously anatomosing emotional entanglements which are tests of patience and sanity. But we do realize what he’s driving at. He desperately needs to show his male protagonists in various couplings. Come hell or high water, these protagonists need to get it on. Unfortunately, Director Dela Cruz and his scriptwriter Kenneth Montero are too inept for logical exposition. In fact, a simple story becomes too big a hurdle for this team (which includes Cleo Paglinawan). The skill and technical know-how are blatantly wanting so we experience some of the driest scenography ever to grace the silver screen.

To accentuate tension, Dela Cruz gets his actors to either smoke endlessly over dissonant music – or he gets them drunk! Though canned music is pretty much avoided, a monotonous piano strain is employed instead, but the melodic tone isn't even compatible with most of the scenes being played. The setting is mostly confined to interiors: a swimming pool, a shower room, and a couple of nondescript exterior shots. In short, Dela Cruz’s follow through with Moron Cinema is inspiring, I ought to freight him some trophies for consistency. Yes, honey, we are scraping the bottom here.

Ike Sadiasa and Jerome Pineda appear as the exceedingly heedful neighbors whose mindfulness oversteps boundaries. One of the challenges to hurdle here is how to get through its inaudible sound. The lines are hardly intelligible because of a noisy room tone and the choppy sound. Parang poor signal, 'kuya. What’s worse is how unaffectingly robotic these actors are. There is not a single valid emotion in all of its short running time. Dela Cruz is particularly fond of close ups and panning shots of gargantuan crotches. In fact, while Zander and AR sleep with nothing but "very" tight and "very" skimpy briefs, it suddenly feels like a Bulging Briefs Contest. It made me blush! These shots are oft repeated ad nauseam! I might as well infer that Dela Cruz is taking a masteral thesis on “Protuberant Appendageal Objects”. I could swear there were restless hamsters underneath their bikini briefs. Peksman. Very interesting, debah?

The film had its commercial run September 5th of 2012 so it passed by without people realizing it was even showing. That, to me, is good news. We all should realize which flicks deserve patronage, and which ones don't. 

DUBIOUS ARTISTRY

Curiously, fair skinned Zander and AR possess agnate features, they might as well be brothers. It took me a while to differentiate these two noobs, adding to the difficulty of understanding what exactly is going on in Dela Cruz’s muddled plot ministrations. But then why look for plot? This isn't exactly high art. It isn't even medium art. And saying that it is art in its lowest embodiment bestows it the privilege of suggesting low-levels of shrewd artistry. There’s nothing of that here. If anything, it’s artistry is akin to its title: “Malasado” – half-baked, over easy, amateur, true to form. What we do have is an incipient conceit of how straight men behave if they were homosexuals. That is a huge "if". All gibberish illusion.  

Darry dela Cruz's Midnight Temptation - Predictable Debauchery

Like clockwork, Jess (Jed Juico) leaves his sleeping wife (Lang Lopez) daily at the stroke of midnight. He works as a security guard for an undisclosed firm. But unknown to his wife, Jess diligently takes arcane detours to satisfy his craving for human bratwurst. He secretly meets his lover Rex (Brad Laurente), a hustler. Meanwhile, Jess’s wife has agenda of her own. As her hubby departs, she takes midnight showers, then meets her lesbian lover (KC Miller). By day, the married couple lives their conjugal lives like they sincerely care for each other. They even share intimate moments together.

One day, Jess starts having distressful dreams. In them, his lover and wife are seen canoodling with each other. It doesn't help that his colleague from work keeps warning him against marital neglect – and an impending break-up. This disconcerts him so that he finally decides to quit his job to avoid what seems to be the inevitable if he stayed. 

Jess tells Rex about this, but the latter's adamant: “Ako na lang ang gawin mong asawa. Ikaw lang ang nagmahal sa akin nang ganito… at ikaw lang ang hindi ko sinisingil.” Any closeted gay man with half a heart would be properly flattered, right? But Jess’ resolve is final. He takes his wife away - eloping like modern day Romeo and Juliet. Why they need to move away is beyond me. Meanwhile, the lesbian lover (earlier dumped by Lang) – who happens to be Rex’s obstinate landlady, knocks on Rex’s door. She has suddenly decided to bunk in with her troublesome tenant and “taste the meat” he’s constantly offering. “Dito na ako titira,” she barges in without much invitation. “At least, 'di ka na magbabayad pa ng renta… at libre ka pa ng pagkain,” she sweetens the deal. Then the lesbian landlady and the gay hustler lock lips and start rolling in the hay. Now tell me there are no happy-ever-afters in Darry dela Cruz’s flicks? So inspiring, debah? Weeh!

Director Darry Dela Cruz suddenly grows conscience and decides to do away with his penchant for random violence and mayhem. Thanks to Kenneth Montero's mind-shattering script, of course. This time around, Dela Cruz doesn't stab his protagonist nor poison them – or drown them at the kangkungan. So what better to fashion a new beginning by compelling an impromptu coupling between a dyke and a hustler. This way, everyone’s happy. Gusto n'ya happy kayo, debah?

There’s no denying the stark absence of credible emotion and motivation. The characters in Dela Cruz’s narrative joyously blur sexual orientation and gender preferences. Straight men suddenly fellate gay hustlers, and devoted housewives share their concupiscent bed with lesbian neighbors. Guilt and skepticism aren't a party to these indiscretions. There are no buts and ifs here. They just transpire with the bat of an eyelash and flick of a finger. Heck, our protagonists hardly show legitimate emotions for each other. The new age robots of Tokyo are capable of showing emotions more than these insipid souls. 

Brad Laurente is an enthusiastic actor, but he possesses awkward facial expressions that need artistic oversight. And enthusiasm doesn't translate to competence, making Laurente nothing but a beefy ham with a salami hanging between his legs. He probably knows the disposition of his hustling character by heart so when he offers himself to his landlady ("Baka gusto mo akong tikman."), you know that he means it. Outside this realm, Laurente grasps at straws.

Jed Juico does worse, and it doesn't help that his character is banal, while his dramatic chops are innocuous. Plus - how do you take someone seriously when he says: "May ka six (sex) daw na iba." The ladies in the cast are mere cosmetic afterthoughts in the story. Like most hybrid of Pink and straight Erotica, "Midnight Temptation" boasts of lots of back sides and pert (if dark brownish) nipples. 

Dela Cruz’s “Midnight Temptation” couldn’t help but provide the de rigueur shower scenes as well. Otherwise, he would probably lapse into virulent seizures. Or worse still, catatonic coma! But what can a film that barely runs for an hour expound in the midst of six shower scenes (Laurente, Juico and Lopez all have two bathroom scenes each)? 

Add to that is the real time filming of Lang cooking fried rice and fried eggs (yup, from start to finish); clipping her nails; washing clothes and hanging her laundry out to dry. It’s nothing more than a tutorial on how to consume fried eggs during breakfast. Why would any film maker linger on such mundane scenes? Were these expositions about boredom? Or about routine household work? Clearly, it's because he has nothing much to say, thus he stretches his cinematic palette with mundane scenes with no relevance to the story at hand. If you enjoy watching these domestic chores from start to finish – and a dash of Jed Juico’s fleeting full frontals (in its shriveled state, of course) – then you might consider this ouvre a masterpiece of Moron Cinema.

Like other cinematic pieces from the burgeoning Moron Cinema, logic is but a figment of narrative invention. And logic has long left the building since Dela Cruz and his cohorts plundered, pillaged and violated mainstream cinemas week after week. How low can this B-cinema go? These people have designed their artistic platitude integral to their banal desideratum. Should we laugh or cry? I get angry and I write about it.  

Cleo Paglinawan's Bugaw - Death by the Kangkungan

Lito (Jerome Pineda) is turning over a new leaf. He has decided to stop peddling his flesh to voracious gay men. He was 12 years old when he left his brother from the province to seek greener pastures, but ended up in the flesh trade. Though relatively young, Lito is changing careers from the peddled to the peddler. Now he’s pimping others for the fast buck. One night, Lito finds Efren (Jeff Luna) dancing at a gay club. He was impressed by the tall and lanky gentleman so he offers a deal that Efren couldn't resist: Efren could stay in his house for free, but Lito becomes his pimp. That way, Efren could stop dancing altogether.

Little did Efren know that Lito harbors affection on him. In fact, Lito takes care of Efren needs: he even cooks for him. But Efren gets other ideas. He wants to reunite with his former girlfriend Ellen (Adriana Gomez) who’s also a dancer in another club. “Di ka na nagsasayaw, pero puta pa rin,” jests Ellen. But Efren is serious: “Kahit magpasuso ako sa lahat ng bakla dito, gagawin ko. Makaahon lang tayo.” Such hopeful sentiment, debah? Efren then takes Ellen home to the consternation of Lito who’s not merely jealous. The bills are piling up and here comes another mouth to feed. He couldn’t afford supporting Efren and Ellen – so Lito books himself to his old clients (Ike Sadiasa). Later, he comes up with a plan to set up Ellen with a customer (Nico Baltazar). What happens when Lito clandestinely books Ellen for a session with Efren who though that his girlfriend has retired from the trade? Would Lito succeed to create animosity between the lovers? Would Efren turn his attention to the besotted Lito?

Jeff Luna

In “Bugaw”, Director Cleo Paglinawan, recreates a narrative filled with a dozen improbabilities. There are wringers in every situational turn. Why is Lito writing to his younger brother about his emerging feelings for Efren? Older brothers are supposed to be more discreet where younger (non-gay) siblings are concerned. Instead, he fills his brother’s head with irresolute thoughts. It’s also a stretch to believe that pubescent-looking Jerome Pineda and his alter ego, Lito, are jaded this early from their trade. And that someone as young as Pineda could actually manage the affairs of someone like Jeff Luna. I am sure that Luna could outhustle Pineda in manner, form or persuasion. How can Efren offer a haven to a homeless girlfriend when he himself is freeloading from Lito? Are vestiges of reason alien in third-rate cinema such as this one? When guilt consumes Lito, why did he leave his own home? The economics in such decision is quite incongruent to the financial capability of our protagonist.


Jeff Luna, despite his thespic inadequacies, is a welcome presence. He has always exuded the appeal that has made him the “it” boy of the Pink Film industry for several years now. This charm hasn’t faded one bit. The better news is: Luna has finally shown signs of confidence and artistic improvement. He isn’t as monotonous in delivery as his previous efforts. Luna – still - isn’t shy of disrobing and this is evident in a shower scene where he proudly displays his frontal appendage for his peeping landlord/pimp. Yes, there’s an engorged earthworm in Paglinawan’s cinematic canvas. :) Most times, these peekaboos are a rarity in the director’s unenviable, gag-inducing body of work.

Jeremy Ian cameos as Luna’s “macho dancing” colleague; his partner on stage (they soap each other on stage). Jerome Pineda is miscast as the prematurely retired hustler who’s in love with Luna. Pineda, though always an enthusiastic performer, is more perfunctory than believable. Age and experience are a factor to this, clearly. Adriana Gomez looks waylaid in most of her scenes. This is mostly because her character is ill-conceived and underdeveloped. In fact, it’s clear that Ellen is a mere afterthought in the story. She might as well get buried in this heap of mediocrity. Gomez, if you haven’t noticed, is one of 2012’s busiest actresses. This is great news for the sexy actress who was introduced early this year in GA Villafuerte’s plagiarized “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha”. Gomez is even able to secure a role for a Cinema One flick that’s getting screened this November.

Adriana Gomez as Ellen and Jerome Pineda as lovelorn Lito.

The script is written, once again, by Kenneth Montero and Cleo Paglinawan. Darry dela Cruz, a ubiquitous presence in many Paglinawan flicks, wears the Assistant Director’s hat. How can anything so dry and technically impoverished be the end-product of more than one brain? You wonder. Maybe it's a cogitative calisthenics to render the bare minimum? Maybe it's a film movement outside the realm of Moron Cinema? Paglinawan's exposition is unmistakably the product of drunken stupor. Having said that, here’s the pop quiz that’s wanting to be asked: Children, what is Darry dela Cruz’s narrative trademark? Answer: His character always dies a violent death, remember?

IMAGINATIVE CONCLUSION

This time around, they get more imaginative. Lito, the flick’s main protagonist, drowns and dies in the kangkungan (water spinach). I am not kidding. Don’t laugh. It’s real. Believe it or not.      

Jeremy Ian cameos as a macho dancer.

Adriana Gomez looking fresh and innocent.

Darry dela Cruz's For Adults Only - More of Nothing

Mart Delgado (Charles Delgado) is tinseltown’s latest “it” boy. He graces blockbuster sexy flicks that are talk of the town. To up his ante, he decides to team up with his rival Lance Jacinto (Jeremy Ian) who’s only too willing to share the spotlight with Mart. The film, directed by Pink Flick auteur Popoy Legaspi, is called “Rated X”, and it promises to be as magniloquent as the title. Publicity mill starts drumming up interest and several male starlets want to be part of it. Unfortunately, just before wrapping up principal photography, the supervising producer runs away with the production budget, leaving the project unfinished and in limbo. What happens then?

To save the film, Mart and Lance decide to shoulder the expenses. But they don’t have much, and they’re desperate to get the movie done. After all, in this business, you’re only as good as your last project; and plenty is at stake here. When the director refuses to budge without payment, Mart and Lance decide to offer their non-financial assets, err, I mean “riches”. When the limpwristed camera owner refuses, Mart presents his six-inch solution. Quite fetching, right? But their carnal bounty just isn’t enough. Film editing alone costs P30,000 per session.

Then a solution presents itself: a lady (Priscilla Perez) is offering P20,000 for a concupiscent three-way with Mart and Lance. Since such “bookings” aren’t foreign to both actors, they agree to this exciting misdeed. After their libidinous session, the girl further proposes: that if Mart and Lance go at it, she would double the fee. They acquiesce, unaware that the girl is secretly recording their salacious same-sex coupling. What’s more, she is the girlfriend of one of the film’s auditionees (Rocco Mateo). Not long after, bootleg copies of their shenanigan spread like wildfire, pre-empting the commercial release of their film. Could they rely on their director’s help, who’s being relentlessly seduced by young upstart Anton (Jerome Pineda)? Will the film ever get shown? Mart and Lance have cooked up a tricky maneuver that involves a bottle of Muriatic Acid. Will this ruse work?

Charles Delgado as Mart Delgado

Jeremy Ian as Lance Jacinto

Jerome Pineda as Anton.

This week’s Pink Film tackles a familiar world. Director Darry dela Cruz’s “For Adults Only” recreates this subculture of the third-rate film business populated by the ugliest gay men I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, many of the scenes involve a flamboyant television anchor who does nothing but nag, fuss, and bitch around. He’s given carte blanche to deliver protracted monologues about how successful he is and how he’s irritated by the people around him. It was almost too painful to keep watching him insult people around when his mere presence was adequate enough for any cinematic audience to self flagellate. Crisaldo Pablo used to do this a lot – i.e. he populates his flicks with the ugliest beings ever to have walked the Earth; now Darry dela Cruz follows through.

Erotic dramas are supposed to cajole and seduce their audience, right? So – is it wise to field the most hideous creatures for people to ogle at? Were they going for titillation or vomiting? Anyone with a fourth of a brain would be cognizant to this dilemma. It’s really a no-brainer. But, lo and behold, these critters are given longer exposure than the stars of the film. I almost went out of the cinema bloating with evanescent hives and engorged larynx. You see, I am allergic to excessive ugliness, like the Madam who loves her expensive shoes. This film has that! Manong Pedring, my driver, was inconsolable as he drove me home, while I belly flop with my rendition of : “Dahil sa ‘yo nais kong mabuhay…” But let’s get back into the story.  

If you read through the narrative flow, there seems to be a crucial and considerable chronology of events, right? But the story is told in the driest of techniques, it was like watching paint dry. The only “proof of life” is Charles Delgado who looks youthful and earnest. Even Jerome Pineda frames his scenes with smug confidence – and clenched teeth, it’s baffling! Every scene is punctuated by bored blocking, they might as well film my Tita Blessy as she partakes her daily novena. At least she has more brio with her prayers. There are half a dozen shower scenes, but even these are as tired as the intelligence quotient of its makers. Yup, no peekaboos nor mushroom heads to whet the pervs’ appetites. Moreover, the sex scenes are as passionless as the drying laundry from my neighborhood window. Goodness.

Like other Cleo Paglinawan and Darry dela Cruz films, there’s always an unexplained scene where “straight guys” suddenly go at it – like rabbits in heat. After the deed, they would chat: “Ba’t natin ginawa yun? Bakla ba tayo?” Yes, check Dela Cruz and Paglinawan’s other works and this scenario is ubiquitous. Regardless of the script writer (this one is written by Len Ortega and Dela Cruz), the situational entanglements are always similar. Another familiar narrative strain is: at the end of the story, someone always dies of a violent death. This is Darry dela Cruz trademark. Straight guys shag each other then they end the living daylights out of their existence. This penchant for tragedy must be some subconscious circumspection to deal with his artistic dearth. Poor man.       

Cleo Paglinawan's Mga Lalake Sa Balsa - Of Underwear Holes & Rafters Who Never Sail

In a remote riverside town, able-bodied rafters (“magbabalsa”) peddle their flesh to tourists to augment their meager income. Times are hard, and customers are a dwindling breed. This is real life for Arnold (Jeremy Ian). After all, his mother was a hooker. While he desperately mopes around, roommate Tirso (Rocco Mateo) patiently listens to his constant gripes. Arnold is also unaware that Tirso harbors recondite affection for him.

If Tirso could have his way, he would sell his hut (“kubo”) so Arnold and he could start anew in the big city. Meanwhile, Lea (Barbara Chavez) – a married girl whose husband up and went because of his her penchant for canoodling with the town’s male population – has become Arnold’s constant benefactor and girl friend. During Tirso and Lea’s conscupiscent rendezvous, Tirso is left to his own devise wanking over his friend’s soiled briefs.

Meanwhile, aggressive and enterprising Jessie (Jerome Pineda) doesn’t think twice about turning tricks – even for a measly P100 with his limp wristed neighbor (Ike Sadiasa). Brimming with machismo, he offers his wares to any willing customer. But one person is particularly immune to his charms – the eternally lecherous Lea who is so infatuated with his hustling lover Arnold. “Ba’t di mo patulan si Jessie?” Arnold tells Lea but she wouldn’t hear of it.  

One day, tragedy strikes when JC (Mico Madrid – aka Mickho Madrid) forces himself on Jessie’s errr… uncharted territory. Despite Jessie’s colorful sexual past, taking it from his backside was beyond his limit. He suddenly feels violated, debased… “binaboy”, he laments. This event unravels into a tragic turn that has grave repercussions in the lives of his friends.

Jeremy Ian is Arnold

Director Cleo Paglinawan (“S.R.O.”, “Itlog na Pula”) returns with Kenneth Montero’s trite and confused story. In fact, “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is a second banana to Monti Parungao’s decidedly middling “Sagwan”. To be fair, “Sagwan” feels like a masterpiece beside this atrocity. Paglinawan seems to be experimenting on how to pull down the iota of artistic standard she possesses. And she has succeeded in doing just that. She has done assistant directorial duties (under another mediocre director, Joven Tan) in countless B-movies that it’s baffling why she never learned the medium (“Bahay ni Lola 2”, ”Paupahan”, “Vhagetz”, “Project X”, “Eskandalo”, ”Binyag”, “Booking”, “Tutok”, “Dalaw”, “Bigasan”, “Dampi”, “Indie Boys”, etc.) Clearly, the blind can’t lead another into the light. Bad teachers can never mold better students.  

VEGETABLE CONNECTION

To some people, experience is obviously not the best teacher. How else do you explain the conundrum that’s Cleofe Paglinawan? If you saw her “Itlog na Pula” shown last April (wait for our review in this blog), you would agree with me when I say that these two films feel so similar, you could randomly insert scenes from either films and you wouldn’t notice the difference! Telling a simple story is a major dilemma for Paglinawan and her storytelling posse which, then, begs the question – why stay in a business that you so miserably botch every time? She could be more productive planting say, turnips, or patola and mustasa. Or even kadyos! My dad loves kadyos – so Paglinawan will make one soul happy if she switches careers! If she has green thumbs, she could even get herself declared “Farmer of the Year” in Bayombong, Catanduanes or Tawi Tawi. Ayaw n'ya nun? It's a relatively more promising career!

Jerome Pineda exudes good looks, confidence and natural charisma.

JESSIE, JC

“Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is told in chronology, but it might as well be otherwise. Now here are just a few of the befuddling loopholes in its very elementary narrative. I was transported to the twilight zone when, from out of the blue, Jerome Pineda’s character Jessie suddenly bursts into “Baboy ka JC!” – as he stands with wet white briefs on riverine waters. Where did his palpable indignation come from? Isn’t Pineda’s character named Jessie? Was there another Jessie? Turns out, the town voyeur – played by Mico Madrid – is homonymously named JC! Brilliant, right? Such flashes of inspiration. Jessie and JC! Weeh. Is there a dearth of names I wasn’t aware of? Or does this highlight the limited ideation of the scriptwriter? Mind you, naming characters has got to be the hardest preoccupation for a writer, debah?

Here's a possibility. There could only be one Jessie. Mico Madrid's character could originally be left unnamed, but some time, during the filming, the actors were fed the name of Jessie, thus this confusion! But adhering to this theory is highlighting the fact that the film makers are nothing but bunch of sniveling morons with brains the size of a mosquito. How can you not remember the name of characters you yourselves created? Thinking this much gives you toothache ba? :)

Mico's character hides behind rocks and bushes as he salivates on Jeremy Ian, Rocco Mateo and Jerome Pineda who enjoy several bath scenes (river and bathroom). These barrio boys are so hygienic, don’t you think? Moreover, when they bathe at the batis, they all assume supine position - they lie on their back with face and crotch upward! Is this how we are supposed to enjoy the river? This must be the new fad for summer! How fashionable!

Now why was JC “baboy”? Does he mimic porcine snort? Does he eat slop or kangkong? Not really. Towards the film’s conclusion, the dastardly deed is shown. JC sodomizes the unwilling Jessie during a transaction gone awry. (Jessie expects oral service, but JC overpowers the obviously mightier, taller, more muscular Jessie.) The film editor evidently misplaced the post-“rape” scenes of a grieving Jessie 30 minutes too early, and we’re not even talking about “flashbacks” since the narrative is, as said earlier, told in chronology. 

If the narrative thread is familiar, it is probably because (director) Darry dela Cruz is on board as Paglinawan’s assistant director. You see, in Dela Cruz’s films (“Bingwit”, “Daklot”, “Frontal”), his main characters always resort to prostitution, then someone always dies in the end. “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is no different. In fact, two major characters die! How’s that for leveling up? J

Barbara Chavez as Lea, Mico Madrid (now Mickho Madrid) is the town voyeur JC

TATTERED BRIEFS

If you need a good laugh, look no further and take note of a couple of separate scenes involving Jeremy Ian and Jerome Pineda where, with cameras panning closely on their crotches, you notice big “holes” on their underwear! Holes! I swear I could see the rings of Venus and the moons of Jupiter. Or was that my imagination? What is this world coming to when a film production cannot even afford decent underwear for their actors? I was actually willing to loan my yaya to the production because she is excellent where needle work and sewing are concerned. In fact, I was ready to practice my crochet on those tattered undergarments, most especially Jerome’s. Ayayayayay! I whole heartedly volunteer! J

NO RAFTING

What’s funnier is how we never see these “rafters” row a balsa – not once. The rafts shown were broken and, surely, rafts couldn’t buoy on rocks. This makes the title - “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa” - spurious. Rafters who never sail? Ang galeng, right Chris Tiu?

Robots populate this ouvre, but you can hardly blame the actors who are made to portray character sketches with no valid sense of intent, each one a fallacious caricature. It’s likewise hard to impart empathy on people who deliver lines as oddly as this lot.

GLIMMER OF LIGHT

But there’s a surprising find at the end of this nebulous adventure – newcomer Jerome Pineda! With his gorgeous masculine features, Pineda delivers lines earnestly and naturally as though he has done this several times in the past. Yet this is just his second film (we saw him earlier in Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”). Sure, his lines are befuddling, and the situations are egregious, but Pineda exudes confidence and a star swagger. It doesn’t hurt that he is exceedingly easy on the eyes! Barbara Chavez looks particularly doped out. Poor girl! As for the rest, let’s just say that their parts haven’t been kind to them.

So why should I?

Rocco Mateo is Tirso. He's in love with his friend Arnold.

Mico Madrid smells the plant? Or his underarm? :)

Jerome Pineda: naughty smirk!

Jerome Pineda invites you to his shower. :)

Barbara Chavez looked dazed all throughout.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig.
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Darry dela Cruz's Frontal - Fraudulent Titling

Diego and Thelma (Jeremy Ian and Bambi Martinez) are an impulsive couple who plunge into marital bliss without deliberating on the economics of such union. In fact, Thelma traded a burgeoning clientele as a hooker for Diego's embrace. The latter meanwhile tends to a vegetable farm and does odd jobs for a piggery. But his friend Nestor (Miko Madrid) helps out whenever Diego is in a bind. 

Sadder thing is, love and kisses don't suffice when the stomach churns with hunger pains. Soon, the couple is left with nothing but hollow diatribes. "Maghanap ka ng paraan. Obligasyon mo na buhayin ako," points Thelma. Diego can only turn to the libidinous fag (Ike Sadiasa) who's more than willing to shell out whatever he has to get the strapping lad in bed. Soon, it isn't only the scenic Mayon Volcano spewing incalescence. "Dapat mag porno ka," suggested the old fag, as he showers Diego with platitudes in honor of his gargantuan endowments. "Ngayon ko nga lang uli to nagawa," relates Diego who once surrendered himself to a high school teacher in exchange of a passing grade. Isn't it inspiring how some people resort to the industry of the gradually growing inches to get their way? Hmm.

Meanwhile, Nestor tries convincing his friend Diego to try the porn industry in Manila. While Diego is conflicted, Thelma doesn't think twice. She wants in on the ruse. After all, P20,000 isn't a bad deal in exchange of shagging on cam. "'Di ka ba nahihiya? Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait?" charged Diego, but Thelma replies with: "Mas nakakahiya ang mamatay sa gutom!" Of course they had to repeat this argument twice to lay on the theatrics (as though the writer had a bad case of mental block).

The couple eventually finds their way to Manila. They shoot the film then head back home. While Thelma seems remorseless. Diego, the reluctant porn actor, is cloaked with attrition. He would talk to the swine he's tending: "Pareho na tayong baboy. Sa ginawa ko, mas bida pa ang tarugo ko. Kulang na lang kakain ako ng darak." How Shakespearean, right? But while he grieves over spilled milk, their "fortune" is once again briskly depleting. What happens to Thelma and Diego?  

Bambi Martinez and Jeremy Ian play wife and husband.

Director Darry dela Cruz is probably on his 4th feature film this year so it is a wonder why he never seems to evince growth as a film maker. His narratives are always half baked and his skills are likewise as insipid as his previous efforts. Haven't you learned anything from experience, 'te? 

WHISPERING WONDERS

The bad habits of several indies a couple of years ago has resurfaced: loud dictation of lines to actors who come unprepared. After sex with Diego, the gay elderly is heard delivering lines dictated to him (by someone off cam): "Isa pa please. Pero dun tayo sa bahay n'yo para maiba ang ambiance." Huh? How moronic and just plain lazy not to even rehearse your amateur actors' lines. 

Isn't this Ike Sadiasa's 12th film in 6 months? Sadiasa is a constant "character" fixture where third-rate, fly-by-night productions are concerned. He is wrinkly, hammy, balding, effete - and is in desperate need of coaching. He is neither funny nor sympathetic so his presence in these cinematic equations is baffling. Why do half wit directors insist on hiring gag-inducing characters for a genre that's purported to titillate its audience? Seriously, would you rather inspire vomiting than stroke up your paying audience's libido? Isn't the answer a no-brainer?

Lester Herrera's music is nothing but half a dozen musical bars that are incessantly repeated ad nauseam. If it doesn't irritate, I don't know what would. Sure, they've gotten rid of canned music which constitutes copyright infringements, but the production is indubitably left with close to nothing. They had to re-cue the same melodic strain again and again... like a bad musical nightmare. 

Camera work left nothing to be desired. In the scene where Thelma and Diego are supposedly taking the bus to Manila, the camera pans on the scenery from outside the window - and as hard as they tried, they could not even get a good view of majestic Mayon Volcano, I almost peed on the floor with hilarity. Poor cinematographer. My Grade 3 niece holds a steadier camera. Parkinson's? Tsk tsk tsk!

Jeremy Ian and Miko Madrid play friends Diego and Nestor respectively.

Are there "frontals" as the title promises? Bambi Martinez, that toothsome nymphet from "Kasalo", returns with her now-familiar "exasperated" form of acting. Though eternally huffy, Martinez is nevertheless generous to display her pigmented nipples all throughout the film. There are a lot of mammarian peekaboos here. Jeremy Ian, who is on his umpteenth appearance this year, displays his backside a couple of times (not much else). He delivers with zombified ennui which is a wonder because he didn't do so badly in his first starrer, "Lihim ni Adonis". 

Miko Madrid suffers a similar dilemma. He displays his humdrum delivery. Does he show anything in matters of, errr inches? Inches are, in fact, a figment of imagination in this flick... so try elsewhere if you're after that. The more appropriate title should be "The Behinds" or "Backside of Poverty" (I am such a brilliant titlist, don't you think?) Madrid should also practice his elocution because he tends to emphasize his words with comic punctuations: "Bitin ako sa 'yo, Tilma!" Jeremy counters this with an endearing: "Di nahiya na pumatol sa akin dahil sa pira." To be honest about it, I wasn't too sure if Jeremy's character was really named Diego or Jigo (you can only get so much information from a flawed sound and the thickest accents this corner of the globe), but for the sake of discussion, let me settle with "Diego". At least, Darry dela Cruz's flick has become interactive! Ain't this fun?

And surely, it's more pun in the Pilifin!

Jeremy Ian

Darry de la Cruz's Bingwit - The Impotence of Ideas and Resources

Jeff Luna and Charles Delgado are despondent brothers living in a fishing village in Zambales. Sheer poverty has led them thinking of ways to overcome such deplorable fate, and Jeff believes he has found a solution. We soon find him conquering Manila, peddling his flesh to earn his keep. But he has more ambitious plans: to hook (“bingwit”) a rich benefactor, take the latter to Zambales so he and his “brother” would live a more financially secure future. Will Jeff find his catch?

Meanwhile, Charles is getting impatient waiting for Jeff’s return. One day, he meets small town lothario Jeremy Ian who keeps stealing glances his way. And one ominous day, Charles and Jeremy become kindred souls. Heck, they even share a bathroom together - in a protracted moment of soaping, foaming, and lathering their privates. Jeremy, who once welcomed the attention of seaside parloristas, suddenly turns a page and grows morals: he ends his paid sexual proclivities with his married girl friend. “Mali ang ginagawa natin. May asawa ka,” he reasons. Didn’t he think of this before? With mutual attraction buoying their relationship, Charles and Jeremy end up canoodling with their joysticks.

Jeff returns home depressed. His plan has fizzled out and his “bingwit” didn’t materialize. But he is unaware of Charles’ “indiscretions” who himself is feeling guilty for having shared his bed with Jeremy. But wait, one morning, Jeff comes home - with Jeremy in tow. What is going on here?

Jeff has decided to take both Charles and Jeremy with him to Manila. After all, three heads (no pun intended) work better in hooking sugar daddies, right? And what a way to tintinnabulate a flurry of bells, indeed. Unfortunately, Charles is fed up with such lifestyle. He wants to come clean. Moreover, he becomes rabidly jealous of his new bunkmate. What’s a guy to do?

The details in this narrative are sketchy at best, and the story is unhinged by a doubtful coupling. There is no valid narrative strain that explains these interconnections; why Jeff is suddenly with Jeremy. It just materialized from some magical figment of an imagination. In fact, the movie begs several questions. Are Jeff and Charles blood brothers engaging in an incestuous relationship? Must be, but with a mostly inaudible sound, the viewer is left to guess. 

The conversations are either drowned out by music and sound – or they’re badly recorded! It’s like listening to someone when a noisy vehicle suddenly passes by. I tried to view the film for the second time (which is such a sacrifice, I tell you), but it was a futile practice. You can hardly get the character’s names. What’s worse, the production is too lazy to even run its cast of character credits. Running for a measly 1 hour and 15 minutes, the production team merely wants to get this over and done with.

Jeff Luna returns to the screen, looking good and a tad more relaxed, but he still wallows in robotic monotonal delivery. Charles Delgado and Jeremy Ian, though better actors than the former, show robust physique. Their bellies protrude with unsightly flab. What is this, the battle of the bulge? There’s a few backside highlights but honestly, there’s nothing here you haven’t seen before.

Charles Delgado, Jeff Luna and Jeremy Ian: Surfeit of muscles, flabs and lipid excrescences.

There could have been promise in the premise: catching benefactors that will financially shoulder the brothers’ needs: “Gagawa ng milagro para di magutom, at di na maamoy ang lansa ng dagat.” But even this is underexplored. One would wonder why Charles is suddenly fed up with Jeff’s ruse. Any indication that this has happened before is never shown, not even by way of flashbacks or a conversation. If you listen carefully, there’s nothing in the narrative history that shows the brothers as “habitual offenders” of this operandi. This was going to be their first time – and it didn’t even materialize. No fish was caught – at all! Walang nabingwit!

Director Darry dela Cruz's production is mostly lazy, not to mention feeble and inept. It tries to make a film with absolutely no resources at all; not by way of finances, artistic merit, imagination and more importantly, ambition.

Charles Delgado: Much too much beer in the gut?

Jeff Luna soaks up in B-movielandia.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism isn't always about good and reliable writing:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html