Darry dela Cruz's Frontal - Fraudulent Titling

Diego and Thelma (Jeremy Ian and Bambi Martinez) are an impulsive couple who plunge into marital bliss without deliberating on the economics of such union. In fact, Thelma traded a burgeoning clientele as a hooker for Diego's embrace. The latter meanwhile tends to a vegetable farm and does odd jobs for a piggery. But his friend Nestor (Miko Madrid) helps out whenever Diego is in a bind. 

Sadder thing is, love and kisses don't suffice when the stomach churns with hunger pains. Soon, the couple is left with nothing but hollow diatribes. "Maghanap ka ng paraan. Obligasyon mo na buhayin ako," points Thelma. Diego can only turn to the libidinous fag (Ike Sadiasa) who's more than willing to shell out whatever he has to get the strapping lad in bed. Soon, it isn't only the scenic Mayon Volcano spewing incalescence. "Dapat mag porno ka," suggested the old fag, as he showers Diego with platitudes in honor of his gargantuan endowments. "Ngayon ko nga lang uli to nagawa," relates Diego who once surrendered himself to a high school teacher in exchange of a passing grade. Isn't it inspiring how some people resort to the industry of the gradually growing inches to get their way? Hmm.

Meanwhile, Nestor tries convincing his friend Diego to try the porn industry in Manila. While Diego is conflicted, Thelma doesn't think twice. She wants in on the ruse. After all, P20,000 isn't a bad deal in exchange of shagging on cam. "'Di ka ba nahihiya? Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait?" charged Diego, but Thelma replies with: "Mas nakakahiya ang mamatay sa gutom!" Of course they had to repeat this argument twice to lay on the theatrics (as though the writer had a bad case of mental block).

The couple eventually finds their way to Manila. They shoot the film then head back home. While Thelma seems remorseless. Diego, the reluctant porn actor, is cloaked with attrition. He would talk to the swine he's tending: "Pareho na tayong baboy. Sa ginawa ko, mas bida pa ang tarugo ko. Kulang na lang kakain ako ng darak." How Shakespearean, right? But while he grieves over spilled milk, their "fortune" is once again briskly depleting. What happens to Thelma and Diego?  

Bambi Martinez and Jeremy Ian play wife and husband.

Director Darry dela Cruz is probably on his 4th feature film this year so it is a wonder why he never seems to evince growth as a film maker. His narratives are always half baked and his skills are likewise as insipid as his previous efforts. Haven't you learned anything from experience, 'te? 

WHISPERING WONDERS

The bad habits of several indies a couple of years ago has resurfaced: loud dictation of lines to actors who come unprepared. After sex with Diego, the gay elderly is heard delivering lines dictated to him (by someone off cam): "Isa pa please. Pero dun tayo sa bahay n'yo para maiba ang ambiance." Huh? How moronic and just plain lazy not to even rehearse your amateur actors' lines. 

Isn't this Ike Sadiasa's 12th film in 6 months? Sadiasa is a constant "character" fixture where third-rate, fly-by-night productions are concerned. He is wrinkly, hammy, balding, effete - and is in desperate need of coaching. He is neither funny nor sympathetic so his presence in these cinematic equations is baffling. Why do half wit directors insist on hiring gag-inducing characters for a genre that's purported to titillate its audience? Seriously, would you rather inspire vomiting than stroke up your paying audience's libido? Isn't the answer a no-brainer?

Lester Herrera's music is nothing but half a dozen musical bars that are incessantly repeated ad nauseam. If it doesn't irritate, I don't know what would. Sure, they've gotten rid of canned music which constitutes copyright infringements, but the production is indubitably left with close to nothing. They had to re-cue the same melodic strain again and again... like a bad musical nightmare. 

Camera work left nothing to be desired. In the scene where Thelma and Diego are supposedly taking the bus to Manila, the camera pans on the scenery from outside the window - and as hard as they tried, they could not even get a good view of majestic Mayon Volcano, I almost peed on the floor with hilarity. Poor cinematographer. My Grade 3 niece holds a steadier camera. Parkinson's? Tsk tsk tsk!

Jeremy Ian and Miko Madrid play friends Diego and Nestor respectively.

Are there "frontals" as the title promises? Bambi Martinez, that toothsome nymphet from "Kasalo", returns with her now-familiar "exasperated" form of acting. Though eternally huffy, Martinez is nevertheless generous to display her pigmented nipples all throughout the film. There are a lot of mammarian peekaboos here. Jeremy Ian, who is on his umpteenth appearance this year, displays his backside a couple of times (not much else). He delivers with zombified ennui which is a wonder because he didn't do so badly in his first starrer, "Lihim ni Adonis". 

Miko Madrid suffers a similar dilemma. He displays his humdrum delivery. Does he show anything in matters of, errr inches? Inches are, in fact, a figment of imagination in this flick... so try elsewhere if you're after that. The more appropriate title should be "The Behinds" or "Backside of Poverty" (I am such a brilliant titlist, don't you think?) Madrid should also practice his elocution because he tends to emphasize his words with comic punctuations: "Bitin ako sa 'yo, Tilma!" Jeremy counters this with an endearing: "Di nahiya na pumatol sa akin dahil sa pira." To be honest about it, I wasn't too sure if Jeremy's character was really named Diego or Jigo (you can only get so much information from a flawed sound and the thickest accents this corner of the globe), but for the sake of discussion, let me settle with "Diego". At least, Darry dela Cruz's flick has become interactive! Ain't this fun?

And surely, it's more pun in the Pilifin!

Jeremy Ian

Jigz F. Recto's Kasalo - Of Distracting Front Teeth and Degenerative Brain Disorders

The first hint on the quality of brain activity that the film maker possesses occurs in the first few scenes of the movie.

It opens with Anton (Anton Molina) in a state of ennui. He's restless and his crotch is flaunted in front of the camera so he fondles his joystick for a second, but even the appendage was enveloped by hormonal lassitude. He stands and takes his seaman's uniform hanging nearby, taking them off the hanger then he puts them on. His limbs almost disfigures as it becomes clear that the uniform in question is 3 sizes too small! I had to suppress my giggle. Not quite 15 minutes into the story and we're already given hints what to expect! Is it really that hard to find a uniform that actually fits your actor? I figure that doesn't need training for a triple heart by-pass nor mastery of the periodic table. It doesn't even need a painful amount of resourcefulness.

Anton, you see, is eternally waiting for that opportunity to get a job as a sea man; something that, he believes, would give him the financial capability of Bill Gates. "Maghintay ka; Pag natanggap ako, mabubuhay kang princesa," he tells his partner Selma (Bambi Martinez) whose patience is briskly diminishing. In fact, Selma berates Anton unceasingly. She even begrudges his sexual compulsions.

One day, Bea (Sidra Lorenzo), Selma's younger sister, unexpectedly shows up, having made a fast escape from her stepfather's sexual advances. There, she left her mother and siblings. Unfortunately for Bea, Selma was displeased. Not another mouth to feed, Selma thought! Though she acquiesces, Selma wears her wicked sister persona and treats the poor provincial lass like a house help.

Bea's lone sense of inspiration is "tri-sikad" driver Ricky (Rocco Mateo) who showers her with modest gifts and oodles of admiration. Moreover, her "kuya" Anton is extra nice and even promises that he would spend for her education once he gets hired. This guy is seriously "counting the chick", faster than he lays errr... "eggs"? One night, after another argument with Selma, a drunken Anton finds a sleeping Bea, with her lower extremities furtively announcing that, "Hey, guys, it's open season." So he accepts the invitation with unspeakable bravado. Virgin Selma isn't anymore. She's unconsolable, and runs away with a bewildered Ricky, now her boyfriend. He takes her to a decrepit motel, imaginatively named "Check Inn", and does his way with the girl who, this time, shouts like she's been decapitated; a reaction too baffling considering she didn't even whimper when her Kuya Anton plugged his tool. Kuya Anton, this is a very telling clue!

What's worse, Ricky rebuffs Bea - after humping the living daylights out of her! "Ayoko na sa yo! Akala ko iba ka. Di ka na pala virgin! Ang luwang mo!" Ouch! Is he probably talking about an oversized jeans? What's a girl to do? Will Anton mend her ways? Not that it would matter if you knew what eventually happened!



You've heard this story before, and if you haven't, did you join an intergalactic journey sometime in your life? Director Jigz F. Recto is fastly depleting the last remaining working neurons from his cranium, and it shows oh-so vividly in his latest film. Someone obviously needs to see a neurologist fast! Sometimes, symptoms of exceedingly low cerebral function is pathognomonic of Degenerative Diseases!

Let's take for example the side story of a drug peddler (Jeremy Ian), a supposedly powerful and petrifying "drug lord" of sorts who can only afford an effete and balding elderly on the verge of cataract - as his right hand man (Ike Sadiasa). When he gets horny, this drug lord forces himself on Ricky (Bea's boyfriend), the gay pusher's occasional boytoy (the former in fact gives him cash to pay for his "trisikad"). Suddenly, we find Anton doing the collection - and pocketing a percentage of the stash for his P50,000 seaman's application fee.

Anton Molina can hardly deliver a line - any line for that matter! He cannot finish a simple declarative sentence. He pauses midway into his spiel trying to remember his lines. He displays an inspiringly robotic monotone reminiscent of Jeff Luna, only worse! Suddenly, Jeff has competition! After all, Anton is tall and slim, fair and moderately hairy, and he possesses a face that reminds me of that former teen star, Kristopher Peralta! And like Jeff, he exhibits in a shower scene and a long shot (after coitus with Selma) that there is gold in inches! LOL

But this is the ladies' golden hour too! We see them in countless mammary exposures and frontal showers. Unfortunately, some of their scenes are too careless and unflattering that we actually see Bambi Martinez' gargantuan "mole" in the vicinity of her perineum. Not "kulugo" I hope. Moreover, stretch marks (unless that wasn't a stretch mark but a scary infestation of pin worms invading the dermis of the skin!) adorn her waist. Good Heavens!

ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS IS...

But what bothered me most were her unduly protruding front teeth that are eternally displayed - because she cannot seem to adequately close her mouth! She laughs, they're wide open! She stares into space, they're minimally open (but open nevertheless)! She cries, they're still open; I was close to being hypnotized by her opening buccal anatomy! She could make a great hypnotist!

What have our "nubile" sex nymphets become? There was a time they were at least gorgeous little vamps, though vacuous and emotionally spare. Erotic Cinema is meant to exhibit "allure"! We needed "bighani", not "mangha". We should be "namamalikmata", not "nahihindik" or "nababagabag". It's really a basic criteria that only idiots disregard.

If they only had Rosanna Roces' thespic gifts, we would have disregarded their physical dis-endowments, but they are as gifted as - say a 4 year old!

Sidra Lorenzo

To be honest, we feel like the proverbial broken record already. The points from one movie to the next are all the same: an exceedingly familiar plot, borderline amateur actors who can't discern one emotion from the next.

Check these scenes for an inspiring coterie of incoherence:

Bea arrives from the province hauling a huge duffel bag of personal effects. Then Selma asks: "May damit ka"? Then she hands her a worn out duster which Bea obligingly dons. Isn't Selma visually impaired? What does she think is inside Bea's huge bag - kitchen utensils? A bowling ball?

Then there's the bathing scenes (they use a dipper, i.e. "tabo"), the bathroom doors are kept wide open. Maybe they're air drying themselves? But this becomes a convenient excuse for Anton to accidentally see Bea's jewels, isn't it?

When Selma finishes her own bath, she walks around the room - and talks to her sister bare-breasted. Seriously? Have we gone French?

When Selma checks her face in front of a mirror, she quips: "Boobs, ok na, check! Face, bongga! Nose, konti na lang!" The audience snickered. There was commotion in the gallery. Selma has such wild imaginations and bounding self esteem. Such confidence!

When Bea informs Selma that she wants to go home, she said, "Ate, uuwi na lang ako sa amin." But shouldn't this be "atin"? After all, Selma and Bea are sisters!

When Ricky accuses his girlfriend Bea of being loose, literally and figuratively, he conveniently forgot that he's in the trade of offering his "appendageal sprout" to his gay benefactor. And Bea - who was raped - was "loose"? Talk about double standard!

Finally, as the film concludes, we see Selma cry while she's holding her sister's duster. Did she cry this much when Anton died? I am not too sure, I was so distracted with her two front teeth.

Bambi Martinez and Sidra Lorenzo


Jeremy Ian


Sidra and Jeremy clowning around