Darry dela Cruz's For Adults Only - More of Nothing

Mart Delgado (Charles Delgado) is tinseltown’s latest “it” boy. He graces blockbuster sexy flicks that are talk of the town. To up his ante, he decides to team up with his rival Lance Jacinto (Jeremy Ian) who’s only too willing to share the spotlight with Mart. The film, directed by Pink Flick auteur Popoy Legaspi, is called “Rated X”, and it promises to be as magniloquent as the title. Publicity mill starts drumming up interest and several male starlets want to be part of it. Unfortunately, just before wrapping up principal photography, the supervising producer runs away with the production budget, leaving the project unfinished and in limbo. What happens then?

To save the film, Mart and Lance decide to shoulder the expenses. But they don’t have much, and they’re desperate to get the movie done. After all, in this business, you’re only as good as your last project; and plenty is at stake here. When the director refuses to budge without payment, Mart and Lance decide to offer their non-financial assets, err, I mean “riches”. When the limpwristed camera owner refuses, Mart presents his six-inch solution. Quite fetching, right? But their carnal bounty just isn’t enough. Film editing alone costs P30,000 per session.

Then a solution presents itself: a lady (Priscilla Perez) is offering P20,000 for a concupiscent three-way with Mart and Lance. Since such “bookings” aren’t foreign to both actors, they agree to this exciting misdeed. After their libidinous session, the girl further proposes: that if Mart and Lance go at it, she would double the fee. They acquiesce, unaware that the girl is secretly recording their salacious same-sex coupling. What’s more, she is the girlfriend of one of the film’s auditionees (Rocco Mateo). Not long after, bootleg copies of their shenanigan spread like wildfire, pre-empting the commercial release of their film. Could they rely on their director’s help, who’s being relentlessly seduced by young upstart Anton (Jerome Pineda)? Will the film ever get shown? Mart and Lance have cooked up a tricky maneuver that involves a bottle of Muriatic Acid. Will this ruse work?

Charles Delgado as Mart Delgado

Jeremy Ian as Lance Jacinto

Jerome Pineda as Anton.

This week’s Pink Film tackles a familiar world. Director Darry dela Cruz’s “For Adults Only” recreates this subculture of the third-rate film business populated by the ugliest gay men I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, many of the scenes involve a flamboyant television anchor who does nothing but nag, fuss, and bitch around. He’s given carte blanche to deliver protracted monologues about how successful he is and how he’s irritated by the people around him. It was almost too painful to keep watching him insult people around when his mere presence was adequate enough for any cinematic audience to self flagellate. Crisaldo Pablo used to do this a lot – i.e. he populates his flicks with the ugliest beings ever to have walked the Earth; now Darry dela Cruz follows through.

Erotic dramas are supposed to cajole and seduce their audience, right? So – is it wise to field the most hideous creatures for people to ogle at? Were they going for titillation or vomiting? Anyone with a fourth of a brain would be cognizant to this dilemma. It’s really a no-brainer. But, lo and behold, these critters are given longer exposure than the stars of the film. I almost went out of the cinema bloating with evanescent hives and engorged larynx. You see, I am allergic to excessive ugliness, like the Madam who loves her expensive shoes. This film has that! Manong Pedring, my driver, was inconsolable as he drove me home, while I belly flop with my rendition of : “Dahil sa ‘yo nais kong mabuhay…” But let’s get back into the story.  

If you read through the narrative flow, there seems to be a crucial and considerable chronology of events, right? But the story is told in the driest of techniques, it was like watching paint dry. The only “proof of life” is Charles Delgado who looks youthful and earnest. Even Jerome Pineda frames his scenes with smug confidence – and clenched teeth, it’s baffling! Every scene is punctuated by bored blocking, they might as well film my Tita Blessy as she partakes her daily novena. At least she has more brio with her prayers. There are half a dozen shower scenes, but even these are as tired as the intelligence quotient of its makers. Yup, no peekaboos nor mushroom heads to whet the pervs’ appetites. Moreover, the sex scenes are as passionless as the drying laundry from my neighborhood window. Goodness.

Like other Cleo Paglinawan and Darry dela Cruz films, there’s always an unexplained scene where “straight guys” suddenly go at it – like rabbits in heat. After the deed, they would chat: “Ba’t natin ginawa yun? Bakla ba tayo?” Yes, check Dela Cruz and Paglinawan’s other works and this scenario is ubiquitous. Regardless of the script writer (this one is written by Len Ortega and Dela Cruz), the situational entanglements are always similar. Another familiar narrative strain is: at the end of the story, someone always dies of a violent death. This is Darry dela Cruz trademark. Straight guys shag each other then they end the living daylights out of their existence. This penchant for tragedy must be some subconscious circumspection to deal with his artistic dearth. Poor man.       

Cleo Paglinawan's Bikini King - Funny for the Wrong Reasons

Ike (Ike Sadiasa), an aging gay man, is documenting his tale before a camera prior to committing suicide.He is a jaunty talent coordinator who scours the country for able bodied young men willing to join a bikini contest, promising fame, fortune and - if they sleep with him - the crown. The invitation is, of course, more artifice than anything else. It becomes clear that his invites are meant to lure these hopeful candidates to his concupiscent bed. With balding head, sagging skin and protruding belly, Ike walks from all over town with a camera hanging down his neck. One by one, he meets his wards.

There's Peter Asuncion (Jeremy Ian), pool cleaner by day, but moonlights as an exotic dancer by night. Though initially reluctant, Pete eventually surrenders himself to the wiles of his "mentor" just so he could grab the "bikini championship", something that Ike promised. On their 5th date, Pete insists, "Dapat nasa top 5 ako." But Ike is having second thoughts about Pete's talent who proudly declares, "Pilipit man ang dila ko, derecho naman etits ko." Ike's next proteges are construction workers Rey Gatdula and Leo Delgado (Rocco Mateo and Nico Baltazar) who were likewise circumspect about the contest. While deciding, something happens between Rey and Leo. "Ano'ng nangyari sa atin kanina? Bading ba tayo? Bakit tayo nag sex?" asks Leo. To solve their dilemma, they both decide to sleep with the neighborhood slut Jenny ("yung pokpok sa kabilang kanto" - played by Barbara Chavez). They magnanimously arrive at a conclusion: "Nag enjoy tayo kay Jenny. Pero nag enjoy din naman tayo sa isa't isa." How fetching, right?

Meanwhile, Ike is making hay, recruiting even street urchins playing basketball by the road side: Paul Gutierrez of Malabon (his motto: "Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may nilaga, may hihilata!") Michael del Rosario of Caloocan; Leonardo Gatmaitan (his motto: "Di po ako naniniwala sa mga kasabihan kasi kung sinu sino lang naman nagsasabi nun - maliban na lang sa sinasabi ng nanay ko!") Finally, there's Jhustine Phaglinawan (Jerome Pineda): "I'm 18, and I'm from Cainta." His motto: "Ang lalaking mabait sa bakla ay may cash na napapala. I thank you" That being said, young and hunky Justin is desperate to win, occasionally warning his recruiter not to betray him or his father would hunt him down. While Ike gets infatuated with the charming looker, he soon learns that the Bikini Contest is shelved because of the paucity of sponsors. Meanwhile, his wards have been pressuring him about his promises. What's worse, his savings have dwindled and collectors are beating down his door. What to do?

Much as I'd hate to admit this, director Cleo Paglinawan's latest flick has more narrative flesh than any of her other works combined. In fact, a hint of sarcasm is held up against the exploitative nature inherent in such male pageants. However, satire only works when it's well executed or performed. Otherwise, the gnawing message gets lost in artistic subordinacy. This isn't saying that "Bikini King" is a superior work. I'd croak first if I were to say that. Paglinawan's artistic dearth is as discernible in the film's redundant scenes as it is in her ability to weave valid situations: there's too much shower and bathing scenes that seem to tie up the incipient vestiges of a story. If these aren't bathing scenes, they come in the form of nubile young men posing and parading around in their skimpy bikini briefs, getting soaked by a gush of water (all filmed in Villa Apolonia in San Mateo, Rizal).

Despite Paglinawan's fecundity of bathing scenes, you hardly find any peekaboo scenes in ANY of her films. Sure, the girls get to show their bumpers (Barbara Chavez wiggles her boobies in another shower scene and in her separate bed scenes with Rocco Mateo and cutie pie Nico Baltazar) but the guys merely tantalize with their bulge-heavy briefs - or backsides (at the most).

Jeremy Ian's very thick Visayan accent is bothersome. He says "eee-teets" for "etits", and isn't it hilarious teaching him how the word is pronounced? Try this, Jeremy: "eh-teets"! Once again, try it with feelings: "eh-teets". Got it? In another Q&A scene, Jeremy declares that the way to "ak-chieve" love is by world peace! No one on the set knew how "achieve" is rightfully pronounced? :)

Jerome Pineda, like in his previous cinematic effort, appears natural and comfortable with his delivery. Coupled with masculine good looks and youthful charm, Pineda should be able to "graduate" from these gag-inducing Paglinawan flicks soon! I am keeping my fingers crossed for this. However, the closing frame of the movie announces the production's coming releases: "Hubadero" and "Malasado". If you think I am kidding, think again! Oh dear heavens, how have you abandoned us. Indeed! :)

Like most of Paglinawan's ouvres, the element of carelessness is conspicuous. In a scene where Jeremy Ian is supposed to show off his acting talent, he declares: "Pinagtiwalaan pa naman kita! Bakit mo ako ginaganito? Pinagtiwalaan kita!" It is, clearly, "pinagkatiwalaan". These simple lapses are easily remediable, yet you find them in the final cut. Even simple sentences are met with great difficulty. Rocco (as construction worker Rey) asks Leo: "Kaya ba (3 second pause) natin talaga?" Scenes like these define the mind set of its film makers, don't they? In Paglinawan's stories, things just happen without due antecedent. They happen with no building narrative. It's like constructing a building with nothing but walls and ceilings, but there are no posts.

Some lines are too baffling to take seriously: "Ang tunay na Bikini King, kayang ipaglaban ang may katwiran!" Really? Your bikini makes you do that? Here's a funnier line from a contestant: "Naniniwala ako na ang taong masipag ay hindi tamad!" Ohmygoodness! Tama nga naman. 

In another scene, Ike is trying to convince Rey and Leo to join the contest. He says, "Rarampa lang naman kayong naka brief. Haharap sa mga tao." Leo asks, "Madali lang ba 'yun?" Ike replies, "Ang tawag dun, PASSION!" I fell off my seat and found the letter "f" down the floor. So that's where it was! Anything else on the floor? Guess.
    

Barbara Chavez as Jenny.

Adorable Jerome Pineda lures you to his boudoir. 

Monkeying around with Jeremy Ian (left) and Jerome Pineda (right).

Noli Salvador's Kapalit ng Ligaya - Elementary Exercises

Mico (Rocco Mateo) is an unemployed loafer who lives with his friend Jerry (Jeremy Ian). He’s also oblivious of his friend’s growing affection for him mostly because he spends his time pursuing shy, but hardworking student Gina (Sidra Lorenzo). Gina only wants to finish her studies so she could provide a better life for her impoverished family in the province. But Mico persists, even promising the moon, the sun and the nearest galaxy of Ursa Minor (though I would suggest he should start by looking for a job first). She initially brushes him off until the inevitable happens. She falls for the gentleman’s eccentric swagger (he walks like a newly circumcised guy, I kid you not). Besides, what girl wouldn’t gravitate towards a guy who, on their first meeting – while she walks home from school – asks her, “Kailan mo ba ako sasagutin?”  He isn’t in a hurry, is he? J

Meanwhile, their neighborhood is besieged by a drug peddling syndicate. Cocky and self-assured Eric (Charles Delgado), one of Mico’s friends, is running around, selling drugs. The local police have been alerted and they’re itching for a sting that would entrap the pusher. One day, during a calculated operation, Eric throws his stash to Mico during a hot pursuit. This throws our indolent protagonist to jail. With no hope in sight for helpless Mico, Gina intervenes by offering herself to the drug enforcement head honcho Col. Henry Marcelino (former sexy stud Lucas Leonardo), one of Gina’s ardent suitors. Broken hearted by her own decision, she quits school altogether, comes home, then marries the pudgy gentleman in exchange of Mico’s freedom, thus “Kapalit ng Ligaya”.

While Henry is a loving husband and a good provider, we learn about the colonel’s illness: Prostatic Cancer, stage 4. Not only is it a terminal condition, but (the more immediate concern, if we were to believe the film) this disallows him to father a child. Poor Gina, debah? No Mico na nga, no “ligaya” and no “child” pa! Tsk tsk tsk! Little did Gina know that her friend and classmate Lara (Mia Henares) has already informed the authorities of his boyfriend Eric’s guilt, and subsequently, Mico’s innocence. Mico is eventually released. But what is his freedom for if he lost Gina in the process? Sniff!

Sidra Lorenzo plays Gina, the main protagonist. Unfortunately for Sidra, they forgot to put her on the theatrical poster.

Director Noli Salvador (“Haliparot: Mana sa Ina”) is back with narrative sketches that seem too rudimentary to be believable. His characters mirror nothing close to how people converse, move, reciprocate or behave in real life. I am aware that “fallibility of character” is an element in tragedy, but people in this story don’t seem to employ logic where a natural course of conversation is supposed to run its course. When does a guy court a girl and ask for her commitment on their very first meeting? And let’s not even forget that this occurred on the street. Classy, right? Moreover, Mateo isn’t even in the league of, say Derek Ramsay, Matteo Guidicelli or Rocco Nacino whose mere appearance can inspire a “yes” even before they ask! If someone does that to me, I’d have accommodated him with my gonad-cracking high kick! Remember, I may be wearing heels during such time – so imagine the consequences.

Rocco Mateo’s constant presence (he’s the guy in the center of the poster) in Pink Films is an enigma. He isn’t exactly God’s gift to women in the looks department. He isn’t gym-fit or possessing a six pack. Some guys get their allure when they smile. Mateo clearly doesn’t have the Close-Up grin either. He walks like he’d rather sleep because something’s too heavy between the legs. That must be it? His cinematic magic? J More importantly, he delivers his lines like he is munching on an apricot (para sosyal, debah). Sidra Lorenzo, the female lead, who didn’t even make it in the theatrical poster (isn’t that hilarious?), complements Mateo’s blandness, she does a wee better in Jigz Recto’s “Kasalo”. Jeremy Ian is forgettable in this flick. Heck, he isn’t even given a 3-seconder to flash his considerable “possessions”. His narrative strain is cut short like a premature ejac -  errr… I mean, he’s prematurely ejected from the story!

Jeremy Ian plays Jerry who's in love with his roommate Mico.

FLICKERS OF INSPIRATION

Lucas Leonardo, looking a little too heavy for a former sexy stud, is satisfactory with his lines. In fact, he is one of the few earnest characters in a mediocre story. Then again, he was mentored by a good director during his prime, Maryo J. de los Reyes. In fact, he was in several flicks like “Tumakas Ka Sa Mundong Makasalanan” (with Yda Manzano), “Pahiram Kahit Sandali” (with Ara Mina and Alice Dixson), “Saplot” (with Monica Midler, Paolo Rivero and Kriselda Kristel) and the heart-warming “Huwag Po, Huwag Po” (with Hazel Espinosa, Allen Dizon, Zoltan Amore and John Apacible). Charles Delgado also turns in a good performance as the drug peddling Eric though his part was unceremoniously clipped. Delgado is comfortable with his lines and he seems to understand his motivations, despite an execrable script. This is probably because he’s been in the business for quite some time now, even disrobing and flashing his pecker when he was just 16 or 17 years old (for “Booking”, “Boylets” and “S.R.O.”) That was just 5 or 6 years ago. Wasn’t child pornography a law then? I wonder.

THE FORGETTABLES OF 2012

Like many indie flicks and queer cinema this year, “Kapalit ng Ligaya” came and went without people noticing it. It didn’t have the social media publicity blitzkrieg of those vomit-worthy G.A. Villafuerte flicks so almost no one knew about it. It had its commercial release last March 21 (2012), but suffered the fate of other 2012 flicks like Paul Singh Cudail’s “Maligalig” (April 18), GA Villafuerte’s “Ang Lihim ng mga Nympha” (May 23), Darry dela Cruz’s “Extra Serbis” (February 29) and Cleo Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula” (April 4). What fate again? No one knew they existed when they were on commercial release. If you ask me, this is good development because these are some of the worst films to come out since Jose Nepomuceno screened his “Dalagang Bukid” (Country Maiden) in 1919 – the first film produced by a Filipino. 93 years later, some cinemas exhibit films like “Id’nal (Mapusok)” and “Kapalit ng Ligaya”. Where has evolution gone? Why have we basically reverted back to the intellectual capacity of the Cro Magnons?

Mia Henares with then boyfriend Charles Delgado

Charles Delgado, a screen veteran at 22/23.

Charles Delgado displays his wares. This photo is courtesy of rddantes.com.

Mia Henares plays Lara, a student in "Kapalit ng Ligaya"

MIa Henares

Lucas Leonardo in his heyday.

Note:

Please read our featured post about Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig:
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Cleo Paglinawan's Mga Lalake Sa Balsa - Of Underwear Holes & Rafters Who Never Sail

In a remote riverside town, able-bodied rafters (“magbabalsa”) peddle their flesh to tourists to augment their meager income. Times are hard, and customers are a dwindling breed. This is real life for Arnold (Jeremy Ian). After all, his mother was a hooker. While he desperately mopes around, roommate Tirso (Rocco Mateo) patiently listens to his constant gripes. Arnold is also unaware that Tirso harbors recondite affection for him.

If Tirso could have his way, he would sell his hut (“kubo”) so Arnold and he could start anew in the big city. Meanwhile, Lea (Barbara Chavez) – a married girl whose husband up and went because of his her penchant for canoodling with the town’s male population – has become Arnold’s constant benefactor and girl friend. During Tirso and Lea’s conscupiscent rendezvous, Tirso is left to his own devise wanking over his friend’s soiled briefs.

Meanwhile, aggressive and enterprising Jessie (Jerome Pineda) doesn’t think twice about turning tricks – even for a measly P100 with his limp wristed neighbor (Ike Sadiasa). Brimming with machismo, he offers his wares to any willing customer. But one person is particularly immune to his charms – the eternally lecherous Lea who is so infatuated with his hustling lover Arnold. “Ba’t di mo patulan si Jessie?” Arnold tells Lea but she wouldn’t hear of it.  

One day, tragedy strikes when JC (Mico Madrid – aka Mickho Madrid) forces himself on Jessie’s errr… uncharted territory. Despite Jessie’s colorful sexual past, taking it from his backside was beyond his limit. He suddenly feels violated, debased… “binaboy”, he laments. This event unravels into a tragic turn that has grave repercussions in the lives of his friends.

Jeremy Ian is Arnold

Director Cleo Paglinawan (“S.R.O.”, “Itlog na Pula”) returns with Kenneth Montero’s trite and confused story. In fact, “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is a second banana to Monti Parungao’s decidedly middling “Sagwan”. To be fair, “Sagwan” feels like a masterpiece beside this atrocity. Paglinawan seems to be experimenting on how to pull down the iota of artistic standard she possesses. And she has succeeded in doing just that. She has done assistant directorial duties (under another mediocre director, Joven Tan) in countless B-movies that it’s baffling why she never learned the medium (“Bahay ni Lola 2”, ”Paupahan”, “Vhagetz”, “Project X”, “Eskandalo”, ”Binyag”, “Booking”, “Tutok”, “Dalaw”, “Bigasan”, “Dampi”, “Indie Boys”, etc.) Clearly, the blind can’t lead another into the light. Bad teachers can never mold better students.  

VEGETABLE CONNECTION

To some people, experience is obviously not the best teacher. How else do you explain the conundrum that’s Cleofe Paglinawan? If you saw her “Itlog na Pula” shown last April (wait for our review in this blog), you would agree with me when I say that these two films feel so similar, you could randomly insert scenes from either films and you wouldn’t notice the difference! Telling a simple story is a major dilemma for Paglinawan and her storytelling posse which, then, begs the question – why stay in a business that you so miserably botch every time? She could be more productive planting say, turnips, or patola and mustasa. Or even kadyos! My dad loves kadyos – so Paglinawan will make one soul happy if she switches careers! If she has green thumbs, she could even get herself declared “Farmer of the Year” in Bayombong, Catanduanes or Tawi Tawi. Ayaw n'ya nun? It's a relatively more promising career!

Jerome Pineda exudes good looks, confidence and natural charisma.

JESSIE, JC

“Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is told in chronology, but it might as well be otherwise. Now here are just a few of the befuddling loopholes in its very elementary narrative. I was transported to the twilight zone when, from out of the blue, Jerome Pineda’s character Jessie suddenly bursts into “Baboy ka JC!” – as he stands with wet white briefs on riverine waters. Where did his palpable indignation come from? Isn’t Pineda’s character named Jessie? Was there another Jessie? Turns out, the town voyeur – played by Mico Madrid – is homonymously named JC! Brilliant, right? Such flashes of inspiration. Jessie and JC! Weeh. Is there a dearth of names I wasn’t aware of? Or does this highlight the limited ideation of the scriptwriter? Mind you, naming characters has got to be the hardest preoccupation for a writer, debah?

Here's a possibility. There could only be one Jessie. Mico Madrid's character could originally be left unnamed, but some time, during the filming, the actors were fed the name of Jessie, thus this confusion! But adhering to this theory is highlighting the fact that the film makers are nothing but bunch of sniveling morons with brains the size of a mosquito. How can you not remember the name of characters you yourselves created? Thinking this much gives you toothache ba? :)

Mico's character hides behind rocks and bushes as he salivates on Jeremy Ian, Rocco Mateo and Jerome Pineda who enjoy several bath scenes (river and bathroom). These barrio boys are so hygienic, don’t you think? Moreover, when they bathe at the batis, they all assume supine position - they lie on their back with face and crotch upward! Is this how we are supposed to enjoy the river? This must be the new fad for summer! How fashionable!

Now why was JC “baboy”? Does he mimic porcine snort? Does he eat slop or kangkong? Not really. Towards the film’s conclusion, the dastardly deed is shown. JC sodomizes the unwilling Jessie during a transaction gone awry. (Jessie expects oral service, but JC overpowers the obviously mightier, taller, more muscular Jessie.) The film editor evidently misplaced the post-“rape” scenes of a grieving Jessie 30 minutes too early, and we’re not even talking about “flashbacks” since the narrative is, as said earlier, told in chronology. 

If the narrative thread is familiar, it is probably because (director) Darry dela Cruz is on board as Paglinawan’s assistant director. You see, in Dela Cruz’s films (“Bingwit”, “Daklot”, “Frontal”), his main characters always resort to prostitution, then someone always dies in the end. “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is no different. In fact, two major characters die! How’s that for leveling up? J

Barbara Chavez as Lea, Mico Madrid (now Mickho Madrid) is the town voyeur JC

TATTERED BRIEFS

If you need a good laugh, look no further and take note of a couple of separate scenes involving Jeremy Ian and Jerome Pineda where, with cameras panning closely on their crotches, you notice big “holes” on their underwear! Holes! I swear I could see the rings of Venus and the moons of Jupiter. Or was that my imagination? What is this world coming to when a film production cannot even afford decent underwear for their actors? I was actually willing to loan my yaya to the production because she is excellent where needle work and sewing are concerned. In fact, I was ready to practice my crochet on those tattered undergarments, most especially Jerome’s. Ayayayayay! I whole heartedly volunteer! J

NO RAFTING

What’s funnier is how we never see these “rafters” row a balsa – not once. The rafts shown were broken and, surely, rafts couldn’t buoy on rocks. This makes the title - “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa” - spurious. Rafters who never sail? Ang galeng, right Chris Tiu?

Robots populate this ouvre, but you can hardly blame the actors who are made to portray character sketches with no valid sense of intent, each one a fallacious caricature. It’s likewise hard to impart empathy on people who deliver lines as oddly as this lot.

GLIMMER OF LIGHT

But there’s a surprising find at the end of this nebulous adventure – newcomer Jerome Pineda! With his gorgeous masculine features, Pineda delivers lines earnestly and naturally as though he has done this several times in the past. Yet this is just his second film (we saw him earlier in Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”). Sure, his lines are befuddling, and the situations are egregious, but Pineda exudes confidence and a star swagger. It doesn’t hurt that he is exceedingly easy on the eyes! Barbara Chavez looks particularly doped out. Poor girl! As for the rest, let’s just say that their parts haven’t been kind to them.

So why should I?

Rocco Mateo is Tirso. He's in love with his friend Arnold.

Mico Madrid smells the plant? Or his underarm? :)

Jerome Pineda: naughty smirk!

Jerome Pineda invites you to his shower. :)

Barbara Chavez looked dazed all throughout.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig.
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

Darry de la Cruz's Daklot - Grabbing the Void

Charles Delgado and Rocco Mateo are good friends who share their hustling ways and desperate lives in dire straits. While Charles peddles his body during intimate massage gigs with supplemental service, Rocco dances for strip clubs and turns the occasional tricks. But both rent boys are tired of their concupiscent grind. They yearn for better lives. Meanwhile, Charles patiently waits for the gay politician who promised to liberate him from indigence. Rocco, on the other hand, prefers to settle down with Charles with whom he’s harboring reticent affection.

One day, a script writer (Eddie Litada) in dire need of a cinematic material finds Charles who wasn’t interested. The latter takes the writer to his friend Rocco who gladly spins spurious and fictitious tales about his throwaway life – and about a boy named Louie (Jeremy Ian). His story’s been barely unraveled when Rocco impetuously waves a dagger at the writer. Running away with his P5,000 stash, Rocco heads straight to Charles and offers him his affection. Charles accepts, but only until his “savior” – the gay politician – fetches and takes him away to the financially-stable horizon. Unfortunately, the politician never came. Charles soon learns that this was Rocco’s undoing. What becomes of the squabbling rent boys? Will the script ever get written?

Director Darry dela Cruz (“Bingwit”, “Exsena”) has drained himself from all vestiges of ideas. After all, his “Bingwit” was similarly about despondent brothers who moonlight as rentboys bent on hooking a rich benefactor (the film also starred Charles Delgado and Jeremy Ian – and even Ike Sadiasa in its cast). His “eXsena” was about making “indie” films using cash-strapped guys. “Daklot” (Grab) is conveniently a mismatched hybrid of Dela Cruz’s earlier cinematic forays; a shameless tautology of his works. Isn’t it too early for a director who has done this much to be blatantly and artistically destitute? Why is he already paying homage to himself by retreading exactly the same stories? How soon does one run out of ideas? More importantly, should one expect flowers blooming or fruits bearing when there wasn't even a plant to begin with?

Let’s delve into the director's vacuity:

When Rocco tells his tale to the scriptwriter, he says: “Dito sa isang napakalaking basura (garbage) napunta ang isang tulad kong basura. Pareho kami ni Louie; basura ang kahapon, basura ang bukas.” And if you wonder why Dela Cruz has unyielding affinity to “garbage” (which was mentioned in redundant splendor so much more than what’s written here), it could be because he’s comfortable with such environs. The magnetism of dump is consuming and all powerful.

More lines underline Dela Cruz’s mindset. When Charles elucidates on his job, “Kung napupudpod lang ang mga ari natin, siguro ubos na,” Rocco replies with a cryptic: “Sa laki nyang sa yo, di mapupudpod yan.” Are we really talking about genitalia like they are degenerating objects? Why is a drinking buddy aware of his friend's treasures? Do they compare during their inebriation? These declarative expositions are too far removed from normal conversation, you do wonder if Mr. dela Cruz lives in an intergalactic planet outside Earth.

The scriptwriter asked Rocco to expound further when he declared: “Mahirap lang ako”. With enlightened precognition, he replies: “Mahirap na mahirap!” How eloquent, right? LOL. Dela Cruz’s linguistic facility meanwhile flourishes - by leaps and bounds - when he describes the rates involved in compensatory sexual services offered by Charles as a masseur: “P4,000 pag pinasok ko. P3,000 kung BJ. P2,000 kung handjob. P1,000 kung daklot,” deftly explains Charles’ character. “Ano yung daklot?” asked the effete customer (Lady Gorgonia). “Pocket massage,” smiled Charles, as though the heavens suddenly ruptured into flickers of comprehension. Isn’t this fun? I so adore the documentary slices of Dela Cruz’s wild, but sparse imaginings.

Daklot heralds sex scenes thirsting with passion. They all look perfunctory and without ardor. The actors might as well pick their noses instead of dryly canoodling with their joysticks. Bathing scenes abound in “Daklot”: Charles Delgado, Jeremy Ian and Rocco Mateo all display their soaping and lathering talent in various techniques. But if there’s one thing more bothersome about the film other than its artistic disendowments, it would be Darry dela Cruz’s penchant for pairing his actors with cringe-worthy, spine-tingling, horror-caliber cast.

I’ve said this before: Eroticas are meant to lure their audience with sexually attractive and desirable beings. Not induce vomiting! “Daklot” spotlights some of the most hideous individuals in several states of undress: a cachectic guy with a pockmark-ridden face; there’s a watermelon-bellied parlorista who lavishly displays his oversized gut. In these situations, cinemas should provide vomit bags the way airlines do for travels that take longer than an hour.

If carelessness were a sin, this movie would conflagrate til eternity. Here are more images that baffle:

Jeremy Ian painfully depicting an audition: “Tao din ako, Sunya!”

Gay benefactor to Charles: “Ulitin natin ito… pag pree ka at pree din ako.” Aren’t we all “pree” as a bird?

The opening scene has the script writer typing away in front of a computer screen. While his fingers move away, you suddenly notice the black outlines on the writer’s fingers. It made me shiver. How can someone display such filthy and cruddy nailbed to a curious camera? Is it so difficult to wash and scrub your hand before showing them on screen?

Even the film's conclusion is a familiar tack: Like his "Bingwit", the film delves into an act of violence from left of center. When this director finds himself lost in a state of indecision, he just repeats himself. Mas madali, debah, 'te? Producer Flor Ignacio, purveyor of 50% of these Pink Garbage is sheer shameless in employing accidental film makers who were picked from the gutter.

I am not exactly sure why Rocco Mateo succeeds in appearing from one film to the next (he was seen recently in Jigz Recto’s “Kasalo”). To be blunt about it, he delivers a line like he’s trying to stifle a toothache (imagine that). Moreover, his very round face, dark skin and flabby abdomen are features far from the standard movie lothario. Despite that, he contemptuously disrobes. He must be doing something right to be getting all these projects; something that isn’t too obvious or conspicuous on screen.

Can we peek behind cams then?

Jeremy Ian - His character Louie is a mere figment of Rocco's imagination. Yet even in Rocco's imagination, Louie does a mean lathering at the bathroom. Talk about persistence of vision. LOL

Jigz F. Recto's Kasalo - Of Distracting Front Teeth and Degenerative Brain Disorders

The first hint on the quality of brain activity that the film maker possesses occurs in the first few scenes of the movie.

It opens with Anton (Anton Molina) in a state of ennui. He's restless and his crotch is flaunted in front of the camera so he fondles his joystick for a second, but even the appendage was enveloped by hormonal lassitude. He stands and takes his seaman's uniform hanging nearby, taking them off the hanger then he puts them on. His limbs almost disfigures as it becomes clear that the uniform in question is 3 sizes too small! I had to suppress my giggle. Not quite 15 minutes into the story and we're already given hints what to expect! Is it really that hard to find a uniform that actually fits your actor? I figure that doesn't need training for a triple heart by-pass nor mastery of the periodic table. It doesn't even need a painful amount of resourcefulness.

Anton, you see, is eternally waiting for that opportunity to get a job as a sea man; something that, he believes, would give him the financial capability of Bill Gates. "Maghintay ka; Pag natanggap ako, mabubuhay kang princesa," he tells his partner Selma (Bambi Martinez) whose patience is briskly diminishing. In fact, Selma berates Anton unceasingly. She even begrudges his sexual compulsions.

One day, Bea (Sidra Lorenzo), Selma's younger sister, unexpectedly shows up, having made a fast escape from her stepfather's sexual advances. There, she left her mother and siblings. Unfortunately for Bea, Selma was displeased. Not another mouth to feed, Selma thought! Though she acquiesces, Selma wears her wicked sister persona and treats the poor provincial lass like a house help.

Bea's lone sense of inspiration is "tri-sikad" driver Ricky (Rocco Mateo) who showers her with modest gifts and oodles of admiration. Moreover, her "kuya" Anton is extra nice and even promises that he would spend for her education once he gets hired. This guy is seriously "counting the chick", faster than he lays errr... "eggs"? One night, after another argument with Selma, a drunken Anton finds a sleeping Bea, with her lower extremities furtively announcing that, "Hey, guys, it's open season." So he accepts the invitation with unspeakable bravado. Virgin Selma isn't anymore. She's unconsolable, and runs away with a bewildered Ricky, now her boyfriend. He takes her to a decrepit motel, imaginatively named "Check Inn", and does his way with the girl who, this time, shouts like she's been decapitated; a reaction too baffling considering she didn't even whimper when her Kuya Anton plugged his tool. Kuya Anton, this is a very telling clue!

What's worse, Ricky rebuffs Bea - after humping the living daylights out of her! "Ayoko na sa yo! Akala ko iba ka. Di ka na pala virgin! Ang luwang mo!" Ouch! Is he probably talking about an oversized jeans? What's a girl to do? Will Anton mend her ways? Not that it would matter if you knew what eventually happened!



You've heard this story before, and if you haven't, did you join an intergalactic journey sometime in your life? Director Jigz F. Recto is fastly depleting the last remaining working neurons from his cranium, and it shows oh-so vividly in his latest film. Someone obviously needs to see a neurologist fast! Sometimes, symptoms of exceedingly low cerebral function is pathognomonic of Degenerative Diseases!

Let's take for example the side story of a drug peddler (Jeremy Ian), a supposedly powerful and petrifying "drug lord" of sorts who can only afford an effete and balding elderly on the verge of cataract - as his right hand man (Ike Sadiasa). When he gets horny, this drug lord forces himself on Ricky (Bea's boyfriend), the gay pusher's occasional boytoy (the former in fact gives him cash to pay for his "trisikad"). Suddenly, we find Anton doing the collection - and pocketing a percentage of the stash for his P50,000 seaman's application fee.

Anton Molina can hardly deliver a line - any line for that matter! He cannot finish a simple declarative sentence. He pauses midway into his spiel trying to remember his lines. He displays an inspiringly robotic monotone reminiscent of Jeff Luna, only worse! Suddenly, Jeff has competition! After all, Anton is tall and slim, fair and moderately hairy, and he possesses a face that reminds me of that former teen star, Kristopher Peralta! And like Jeff, he exhibits in a shower scene and a long shot (after coitus with Selma) that there is gold in inches! LOL

But this is the ladies' golden hour too! We see them in countless mammary exposures and frontal showers. Unfortunately, some of their scenes are too careless and unflattering that we actually see Bambi Martinez' gargantuan "mole" in the vicinity of her perineum. Not "kulugo" I hope. Moreover, stretch marks (unless that wasn't a stretch mark but a scary infestation of pin worms invading the dermis of the skin!) adorn her waist. Good Heavens!

ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS IS...

But what bothered me most were her unduly protruding front teeth that are eternally displayed - because she cannot seem to adequately close her mouth! She laughs, they're wide open! She stares into space, they're minimally open (but open nevertheless)! She cries, they're still open; I was close to being hypnotized by her opening buccal anatomy! She could make a great hypnotist!

What have our "nubile" sex nymphets become? There was a time they were at least gorgeous little vamps, though vacuous and emotionally spare. Erotic Cinema is meant to exhibit "allure"! We needed "bighani", not "mangha". We should be "namamalikmata", not "nahihindik" or "nababagabag". It's really a basic criteria that only idiots disregard.

If they only had Rosanna Roces' thespic gifts, we would have disregarded their physical dis-endowments, but they are as gifted as - say a 4 year old!

Sidra Lorenzo

To be honest, we feel like the proverbial broken record already. The points from one movie to the next are all the same: an exceedingly familiar plot, borderline amateur actors who can't discern one emotion from the next.

Check these scenes for an inspiring coterie of incoherence:

Bea arrives from the province hauling a huge duffel bag of personal effects. Then Selma asks: "May damit ka"? Then she hands her a worn out duster which Bea obligingly dons. Isn't Selma visually impaired? What does she think is inside Bea's huge bag - kitchen utensils? A bowling ball?

Then there's the bathing scenes (they use a dipper, i.e. "tabo"), the bathroom doors are kept wide open. Maybe they're air drying themselves? But this becomes a convenient excuse for Anton to accidentally see Bea's jewels, isn't it?

When Selma finishes her own bath, she walks around the room - and talks to her sister bare-breasted. Seriously? Have we gone French?

When Selma checks her face in front of a mirror, she quips: "Boobs, ok na, check! Face, bongga! Nose, konti na lang!" The audience snickered. There was commotion in the gallery. Selma has such wild imaginations and bounding self esteem. Such confidence!

When Bea informs Selma that she wants to go home, she said, "Ate, uuwi na lang ako sa amin." But shouldn't this be "atin"? After all, Selma and Bea are sisters!

When Ricky accuses his girlfriend Bea of being loose, literally and figuratively, he conveniently forgot that he's in the trade of offering his "appendageal sprout" to his gay benefactor. And Bea - who was raped - was "loose"? Talk about double standard!

Finally, as the film concludes, we see Selma cry while she's holding her sister's duster. Did she cry this much when Anton died? I am not too sure, I was so distracted with her two front teeth.

Bambi Martinez and Sidra Lorenzo


Jeremy Ian


Sidra and Jeremy clowning around