Gino Santos' Ex With Benefits - Nasty Piece of S----t!

Ohmygod! 

I had to vent out my frustration watching this execrably offensive movie that's based on the wild imagination of someone who seems to live on the orbits of space - or the netherworld, not to mention that his consciousness is probably soaked on acid. The only thing vaguely "human" in this cringe-worthy cinematic carcass is Coleen's character who would rather sleep with a wrinkly dean than get her affairs in order. Med reps are pictured as a whoring bunch of desperate souls who peddle their products as much as they peddle their flesh for endorsement. Doctors - yes, doctors! - prey on flirty med reps (dressed up like night club GROs) who, in turn, talk about the doctors they cover like hyenas in heat: "Siguro magaling yun sa kama!" Seriously?

A few thinktanks involved with the story development ought to get their heads zapped with 10,000 joules of electric convulsive therapy to exorcise their gag-worthy inventions. No character in this abysmal cinematic garbage is spared from bad behavior, as though the world lives in a very amoral, albeit immoral society - the physicians, the med reps, the best friends, their classmates, the company bosses, the deans, the waiters pouring wine, and even the parents of an underperforming girl. Each one has his sharpened claws ready for the kill! Yes, every one is a wretched soul!

And you wonder which terribly impressive minds have decided that this was a Grade-A film? Typo error? Maybe it was a joke? Ah yes, those bunch of swiveling m's again from the CEB. My maid probably knows more about what a good movie is (or should be) than those hilariously clueless bunch from the Cinema Evaluations Board. 

This film is apparently inspired by my would-be vomitus had I not purchased Plasil in time. Star Cinema, thank you for getting me out of hibernation! You must be very proud of yourselves. Bravo!  

Cleo Paglinawan's Mga Lalake Sa Balsa - Of Underwear Holes & Rafters Who Never Sail

In a remote riverside town, able-bodied rafters (“magbabalsa”) peddle their flesh to tourists to augment their meager income. Times are hard, and customers are a dwindling breed. This is real life for Arnold (Jeremy Ian). After all, his mother was a hooker. While he desperately mopes around, roommate Tirso (Rocco Mateo) patiently listens to his constant gripes. Arnold is also unaware that Tirso harbors recondite affection for him.

If Tirso could have his way, he would sell his hut (“kubo”) so Arnold and he could start anew in the big city. Meanwhile, Lea (Barbara Chavez) – a married girl whose husband up and went because of his her penchant for canoodling with the town’s male population – has become Arnold’s constant benefactor and girl friend. During Tirso and Lea’s conscupiscent rendezvous, Tirso is left to his own devise wanking over his friend’s soiled briefs.

Meanwhile, aggressive and enterprising Jessie (Jerome Pineda) doesn’t think twice about turning tricks – even for a measly P100 with his limp wristed neighbor (Ike Sadiasa). Brimming with machismo, he offers his wares to any willing customer. But one person is particularly immune to his charms – the eternally lecherous Lea who is so infatuated with his hustling lover Arnold. “Ba’t di mo patulan si Jessie?” Arnold tells Lea but she wouldn’t hear of it.  

One day, tragedy strikes when JC (Mico Madrid – aka Mickho Madrid) forces himself on Jessie’s errr… uncharted territory. Despite Jessie’s colorful sexual past, taking it from his backside was beyond his limit. He suddenly feels violated, debased… “binaboy”, he laments. This event unravels into a tragic turn that has grave repercussions in the lives of his friends.

Jeremy Ian is Arnold

Director Cleo Paglinawan (“S.R.O.”, “Itlog na Pula”) returns with Kenneth Montero’s trite and confused story. In fact, “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is a second banana to Monti Parungao’s decidedly middling “Sagwan”. To be fair, “Sagwan” feels like a masterpiece beside this atrocity. Paglinawan seems to be experimenting on how to pull down the iota of artistic standard she possesses. And she has succeeded in doing just that. She has done assistant directorial duties (under another mediocre director, Joven Tan) in countless B-movies that it’s baffling why she never learned the medium (“Bahay ni Lola 2”, ”Paupahan”, “Vhagetz”, “Project X”, “Eskandalo”, ”Binyag”, “Booking”, “Tutok”, “Dalaw”, “Bigasan”, “Dampi”, “Indie Boys”, etc.) Clearly, the blind can’t lead another into the light. Bad teachers can never mold better students.  

VEGETABLE CONNECTION

To some people, experience is obviously not the best teacher. How else do you explain the conundrum that’s Cleofe Paglinawan? If you saw her “Itlog na Pula” shown last April (wait for our review in this blog), you would agree with me when I say that these two films feel so similar, you could randomly insert scenes from either films and you wouldn’t notice the difference! Telling a simple story is a major dilemma for Paglinawan and her storytelling posse which, then, begs the question – why stay in a business that you so miserably botch every time? She could be more productive planting say, turnips, or patola and mustasa. Or even kadyos! My dad loves kadyos – so Paglinawan will make one soul happy if she switches careers! If she has green thumbs, she could even get herself declared “Farmer of the Year” in Bayombong, Catanduanes or Tawi Tawi. Ayaw n'ya nun? It's a relatively more promising career!

Jerome Pineda exudes good looks, confidence and natural charisma.

JESSIE, JC

“Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is told in chronology, but it might as well be otherwise. Now here are just a few of the befuddling loopholes in its very elementary narrative. I was transported to the twilight zone when, from out of the blue, Jerome Pineda’s character Jessie suddenly bursts into “Baboy ka JC!” – as he stands with wet white briefs on riverine waters. Where did his palpable indignation come from? Isn’t Pineda’s character named Jessie? Was there another Jessie? Turns out, the town voyeur – played by Mico Madrid – is homonymously named JC! Brilliant, right? Such flashes of inspiration. Jessie and JC! Weeh. Is there a dearth of names I wasn’t aware of? Or does this highlight the limited ideation of the scriptwriter? Mind you, naming characters has got to be the hardest preoccupation for a writer, debah?

Here's a possibility. There could only be one Jessie. Mico Madrid's character could originally be left unnamed, but some time, during the filming, the actors were fed the name of Jessie, thus this confusion! But adhering to this theory is highlighting the fact that the film makers are nothing but bunch of sniveling morons with brains the size of a mosquito. How can you not remember the name of characters you yourselves created? Thinking this much gives you toothache ba? :)

Mico's character hides behind rocks and bushes as he salivates on Jeremy Ian, Rocco Mateo and Jerome Pineda who enjoy several bath scenes (river and bathroom). These barrio boys are so hygienic, don’t you think? Moreover, when they bathe at the batis, they all assume supine position - they lie on their back with face and crotch upward! Is this how we are supposed to enjoy the river? This must be the new fad for summer! How fashionable!

Now why was JC “baboy”? Does he mimic porcine snort? Does he eat slop or kangkong? Not really. Towards the film’s conclusion, the dastardly deed is shown. JC sodomizes the unwilling Jessie during a transaction gone awry. (Jessie expects oral service, but JC overpowers the obviously mightier, taller, more muscular Jessie.) The film editor evidently misplaced the post-“rape” scenes of a grieving Jessie 30 minutes too early, and we’re not even talking about “flashbacks” since the narrative is, as said earlier, told in chronology. 

If the narrative thread is familiar, it is probably because (director) Darry dela Cruz is on board as Paglinawan’s assistant director. You see, in Dela Cruz’s films (“Bingwit”, “Daklot”, “Frontal”), his main characters always resort to prostitution, then someone always dies in the end. “Mga Lalake sa Balsa” is no different. In fact, two major characters die! How’s that for leveling up? J

Barbara Chavez as Lea, Mico Madrid (now Mickho Madrid) is the town voyeur JC

TATTERED BRIEFS

If you need a good laugh, look no further and take note of a couple of separate scenes involving Jeremy Ian and Jerome Pineda where, with cameras panning closely on their crotches, you notice big “holes” on their underwear! Holes! I swear I could see the rings of Venus and the moons of Jupiter. Or was that my imagination? What is this world coming to when a film production cannot even afford decent underwear for their actors? I was actually willing to loan my yaya to the production because she is excellent where needle work and sewing are concerned. In fact, I was ready to practice my crochet on those tattered undergarments, most especially Jerome’s. Ayayayayay! I whole heartedly volunteer! J

NO RAFTING

What’s funnier is how we never see these “rafters” row a balsa – not once. The rafts shown were broken and, surely, rafts couldn’t buoy on rocks. This makes the title - “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa” - spurious. Rafters who never sail? Ang galeng, right Chris Tiu?

Robots populate this ouvre, but you can hardly blame the actors who are made to portray character sketches with no valid sense of intent, each one a fallacious caricature. It’s likewise hard to impart empathy on people who deliver lines as oddly as this lot.

GLIMMER OF LIGHT

But there’s a surprising find at the end of this nebulous adventure – newcomer Jerome Pineda! With his gorgeous masculine features, Pineda delivers lines earnestly and naturally as though he has done this several times in the past. Yet this is just his second film (we saw him earlier in Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”). Sure, his lines are befuddling, and the situations are egregious, but Pineda exudes confidence and a star swagger. It doesn’t hurt that he is exceedingly easy on the eyes! Barbara Chavez looks particularly doped out. Poor girl! As for the rest, let’s just say that their parts haven’t been kind to them.

So why should I?

Rocco Mateo is Tirso. He's in love with his friend Arnold.

Mico Madrid smells the plant? Or his underarm? :)

Jerome Pineda: naughty smirk!

Jerome Pineda invites you to his shower. :)

Barbara Chavez looked dazed all throughout.

Note:

Please read our featured post on Cinema Bravo and why Web Criticism sometimes makes us nginig.
- http://makemeblush2.blogspot.com/2016/10/cinema-bravo-film-criticisms-execrable.html

4Some - An Unfinished Tale of Sexual Confusion

Angelo (Isakhani Duckert) and Danny (Marklen Salazar Trinidad) have been buddies since they were children. They’re two peas in a pod, each one privy to the affairs of the other. While Angelo is reticent and circumspect, Danny is brash, sleeps around and wears his machismo like a prized trophy. He is also an unabashed homophobe. If a guy gives him the eye, Danny flies off the handle. One day, Danny refuses to accept Angelo’s calls. In fact, he shuns him altogether.

Angelo is distraught. Last time he saw Danny was during his girlfriend Bea’s (Pauleen Subido) birthday celebration where they were joined by Danny and his girlfriend Lyn (Jhoy Ortiz). After a round of drinks, they found themselves changing partners; Angelo is kissing Lyn, while Bea cavorts with frisky Danny. Bea, sprightly and peppy, spikes their drinks and before they could spell “bourgeoisie”, a full fledged orgy has commenced. It’s become a free-for-all revelry. During the course of their footloose sexual bacchanalia, the unthinkable happens. Angelo goes down on his friend Danny, something that he claims he doesn’t remember much. Shivers.

The succeeding days are hard for Angelo. To de-stress, he goes to a bar by his lonesome where he meets Sandro (Jeff Luna) who joins his table and pays for his drinks. The night turns friendlier when Sandro invites Angelo to his place. When Angelo is downed by his inebriation, Sandro makes his move, eventually sodomizing the helpless Angelo. “Masasanay ka rin,” Sandro appeases his reluctant date.

But this throws our protagonist to pits of depression claiming “Sira na’ng buhay ko,” moping as though someone stole his virginity, further dramatizing it: “Buhay ka pa nga pero patay na ang pagkatao mo.” Instead of turning to Bea, his girlfriend, he seeks the help of Lyn, Danny’s girl, who herself is in a bind – she’s really in love with another girl, Vanessa, who turned out to be a romantic partner before Danny came into the picture. What becomes of these confused souls?

SPOILERS

Director Han Salazar spins a Machiavellian tale that reeks with superficial strife, but when you dig deeper, it leaves you wanting. The film making skill displayed here isn’t all that bad, but it’s no great shakes either. Having said that, we’re at least thankful it isn’t the moribund state proudly exhibited by most pink films typified by Crisaldo Pablo.

Once again, there’s a problem with inattention to details in weaving the story. In fact, this is quite palpable as the film draws to a close. How so? Let’s get back to the narrative.

Angelo works as a sales representative (a salesboy) for Automatic Center. But as we closely follow him around, we find out that he stays in a well furnished high rise condominium unit with a fantastic view of the metropolis. How can he afford such luxury? Do salesboys really earn that much? Someone tell me fast lest I could consider a career change. But then maybe, Angelo hails from a well heeled clan. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case either. To appease himself from his “heartbreak”, he resigns from his job and visits his folks in the province. His parents live in a bamboo-and-wooden shanty and they look like they haven’t seen the face of luxury at all. When his younger brother finds him, he is asked, “Ano’ng hitsura ng Maynila, kuya?” Poor kid. He probably hasn’t seen the face of television either. Yet Angelo wallows in the luxuries of a high rise abode and late night bar visits to unwind. There is an obvious inconsistency by way of lifestyle, right? Maybe he’s just a selfish schmuck? Fat chance. Angelo is angelic; he is conscientious, and aside from having a gorgeous face, a sinewy waistline and rippling abs, he is among his employer’s top salesmen.

Isakhani Duckert is conspicuously atypical as a name for a local lead (he plays Angelo), and Duckert is perfectly cast for the role. He is good looking, tall, and physically graceful. He has expressive eyes. More importantly, he exhibits vulnerability necessary for empathy – someone who dotes on his best friend; one who is attracted to the latter. Had he been less credible, it would have completely dragged down the film. Even Marklen Trinidad, playing the alpha male Danny, carries his misogynistic and homophobic character with bountiful verve, you feel fear for the next gay man who steals a glance at him (he punches a guy at the urinal for giving him the look). Trinidad however verges on caricature because there was no adequate playback that explains his nature. Stories have to offer motivations for its audience to inspire affinity.

Jeff Luna does a cameo as the schemy Sandro who takes advantage of the drunken Angelo. He returns to the screen gracing it with his strong presence and, by this time, a familiar and characteristically droll monotone delivery.

I have problems with the ladies in the cast. Pauleen Subido, who plays Bea – Angelo’s aggressive girlfriend – is ill advised and misplaced. She wears a blond tress that at most times looks like a wig – or a costume in a Halloween party. Whenever she is shown working at the appliance center, you would wonder why she never wore the uniform like the rest of the employees. She’s always scantily clad with her high heels and elongated detachable nails, you’d think she would suddenly turn tricks at the nearby corner. Sexiness shouldn’t necessarily translate to “tacky” and more importantly, slutty. Jhoy Ortiz tries harder, but is hobbled by inconsistent characterization and the superfluous narrative detour concerning her lesbian lover. She succeeds to be sympathetic in some scenes, but in others, her attack feels light or insincere. These girls are more concerned with attires and accessories, with curled down manes and painted lips, than investing in tenable emotions, sadly turning a dramatic feature into incomplete sketches of what-could-be.

There is an inconsistent depiction of Duckert's character. If he indeed thought of his "rape" or urges as a form of death ("Buhay ka pa pero patay na ang pagkatao mo"), why did he allow himself to get picked up by a complete stranger? Do straight guys habitually join other males straight out of a bar - as a fraternal act, perhaps? At Sandro's pad, he allowed to be stripped naked - and there was a consensual kissing; unless that was a dream sequence, which it wasn't. The effect of alcohol doesn't necessarily make you do things against your will. In fact, it removes your inhibitions. It allows you to act up on those compulsions. In another scene at a urinal, he actually grabs someone else's genitalia. Forgot imminent death? LOL

The most blatant slice of inattention occurs towards the end. After Angelo visits his barriotic folks (after quitting his job) whereby he fails to find closure, he once again turns to Lyn. He knocks on her door, then he embraces her, saying, “Nahihirapan na ako!” End of story, you better believe it. That won’t even fit into the category of an open-ended conclusion. It unceremoniously ended, and if you don’t call it “unfinished”, I don’t know what could more appropriately explicate it!

The intention of the film is quite obvious and predictable, i.e. to get the guys in bed and have them flash their wares. The females have become sideshows. It’s a pink film with no impulsion of laying down anything that transcends sexual proclivities and orientation.

SLICE OF EROTICA

There is an adequate slice of erotica too, with Marklen Trinidad throwing caution to the watchful wind. As he cajoles with Pauleen Subido, his anatomical pride peeps elegantly - and steals roars where there should be a mere peep. Yes, honey, there’s flattery borne out of countable inches. The gorgeous Isakhani Duckert is a little bashful where full frontals are concerned, but his face alone is a pleasant sight to gawk at. But yes, he shares a few don’t-blink moments too. The girls themselves are quite generous, occasionally thrusting their inflated mammaries towards the camera. And there’s a sizable chunk of backsides on display from the cast. As you can see, if nudity is your mere criteria on what a “good movie” should be (I know someone who rates films according to the number of genitalia on display), then Han Salazar’s “4some” should merit – at the very least - a nomination for the year’s “Best Picture”. Stranger things have happened. Five-star territory. Wehhh!

Lyn exchanges spit with prodigal lover Vanessa.





Isakhani Duckert



Isakhani Duckert


Marklen Trinidad


Jeff Luna


Jhoy Ortiz


Pauleen Subido, Isakhani Duckert and Jhoy Ortiz