10 Horrific Truths About Topel Lee's "White House"

A horror flick with smiling faces and a sexy pose. Go figure!

1. That the honeymoon period for comebacking actor Gabby Concepcion is over. In this movie, Gabby plays spirit expert Jet Castillo who inadvertently exposes his daughter Sien and wife Issa (Angel Jacob) to the nasty spirits that roam the hall ways of Baguio City’s “White House”. Mr. Concepcion’s performance ranges from the frowning Latin-spewing spiritist to the cinematic sycophant who grovels in front of the screen to please his “fans”.

Indeed, at times, we felt like he was performing to the peanut gallery crowd who would sigh at his every line. He was insincerely taking us for a ride the way he did his several ex-wives. No, Mr. Concepcion, you’re playing the character of a desperate father out to retrieve the sequestered soul of his daughter Sien, shanghaied inside the White House. You’re not performing before an adoring “The Buzz” audience who would giggle at your every grin. How could a charming actor evolve into middle-age blandness?

2. That Mo Twister, aka Mohan Gumatay (whose mother is of Indian descent) needs to spend more time in acting workshops than writing his idle thoughts on twitter, speculating whether he should watch a movie or just stay home and masturbate.

I’d have to admit I once had a huge crush on him, and I love his TV interviews (remember that classic tete-a-tete with a spaced out and clueless Ara Mina). Mo has a fast wit and a loud, sexy voice. His boyish grin lights up the screen. However, the same demeanor doesn’t translate well into a believable character. It was Mo Twister pretending to be, er… Mo Twister. His delivery appeared to be all hot-air with no hint of redemption – a 2-D cartoon character that belongs to a different medium. When he finally gets his comeuppance, it was such a relief to have finally gotten rid of him.

Mo Twister & Sarah Labahti

3. That Megan Young has such an arresting presence on screen. She plays a heartbroken writer whose boyfriend (the horribly self-conscious Chris Cayzer) proposes a cool off period so he could date her friend. This took her to audition for a slot in a reality-TV program called “Pinoy Horror House” where 8 persons will vie for P1 million. Whoever is left inside the house after 5 days of being sequestered inside shall win the prize.

4. Joem Bascon spoofs a habitual male pageant contestant, Dom Romero, whose rhetorics and trite replies during interviews (“Thank you very much for that question.”) provided some of the film’s few pleasurable moments. However, as the narrative strain progresses, his character stagnates into someone who’s disdainful and annoying. We somehow knew he was gonna start the eventual pile up of body count.

Iza Calzado

5. That director Topel Lee has finally used up all the straws I’ve reserved for him as a promising film maker. If you’ve seen “Imahe-Nasyon” (2006), an omnibus project featuring 20 of the country’s most prolific indie film makers, addressing the issue on national identity 20 years after the Edsa Revolution, then you would agree with me that Topel Lee’s work there (“Ang Manunulat”) was one of the few visually-arresting original ideas. He went on to direct Judy Anne Santos and Jolina Magdangal in the serviceable horror film, “Ouija“ as well as the earlier “Dilim” (a ground breaking vigilante movie with a twist). Lee is, no doubt, a visual director. Unfortunately, that alone doesn’t constitute a great movie.

In “White House”, he litters his moods with loud dissonant music and a hundred-and-one distracting drones that half-way into the film, his audience’s capacity for fright has but run out. In fact, despite those ashen faced children creeping inside refrigerators and cabinets, crawling under the beds, you end up with a sinking feeling that Mr. Lee has been watching too much generic kwaidans and those Thai horror movies, he’s actually run out of fresh ideas of his own.

6. When all the spirits pile out of Gabby’s body, it felt like a bad version of “The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus” instead of a troubling horror film. The only thing scary in this film was when a character actually remarked, ”This is better than your soap opera!” You wish! I’d say, this was more annoying that Simon Cowell. In White House’s TV ads, KC Concepcion is caught saying, “Come watch it. Kayo ay matutuwa!” What a smart girl! Then she suddenly realized this was an inappropriate phrase to describe a horror movie. She then corrects herself: “nakakatakot”! But hey, we’ve already got her real thoughts about her father’s movie. Atta girl, KC! We appreciate pretty girls who speak their minds. ;->

7. That after the abominable “Wapakman” and this banal “White House”, director Topel Lee should hibernate or revisit his indie roots where he thrived under less resources. In the mainstream world, Lee loses his inventiveness and ends up like the rest of GMA Film directors who are worse than mediocre.

Joem Bascon: ad model and male pageant contestant

8. That Sarah Labahti and Lovi Poe display their glaring limitations in “White House”. Enough of that gum-chewing persona, Miss Poe. That’s been done with great success in “Walang Hanggang Paalam”. Redundancy of characterization only shows how lost Lovi was in “White House”. Not enough time to conjure a significant persona so she resorted to one that worked before.

I’ve known of call center agents, none of whom chewed gums like there’s no tomorrow. None of whom acted like Calamine-requiring sluts. Of course I am aware of studies showing how such call center agents have become exponents of the effective dissemination and propagation of the HIV virus, but let’s not be too obvious, Ms. Poe. As for Ms. Labahti, the only thing she imparted was the impression that she could be perfectly forgettable. Jeez, these GMA talents are in desperate need of coaching from rival ABS CBN whose actors are proficient performers many times over. Wala bang budget sa GMA to get better acting coaches? Remember Angel Locsin’s blandness before she jumped to the other yard?

Megan Young & Lovi Poe: writer and call center agent

9. That “White House” has succeeded in giving Iza Calzado her worst performance in her enviable career.

Not even that nauseating Indie flick Jowee Morel’s “Mona: Singapore Escort” was she this bad! (Do you remember how Iza allegedly walked out during the preview screening of “Mona”, which was about a Pinay who worked as an escort girl in Singapore?) The lovely Iza – one of my all-time favorite actresses – just looked out of place within the exposition. This was funny because Iza was the film’s major nemesis! She was the “Black Lady”. Why she wore black was never explained. Baka she was fashionably conscious as a ghost? LOL

I would then venture on the obvious. For making Ms. Calzado look bad, the film’s writers are a bunch of sniveling idiots.

10. That their idea of “spirit attachment” is suspiciously similar to flu-like symptoms that eventually progressed into meningitis. The child suddenly developed fever, was vomiting, became weak, then got stuporous and unconscious! Didn’t I say meningitis? And Gabby had to travel all the way to Baguio for this misdiagnosis! Makes me wonder who their medical consultant was for this film. Baka si Dr. Vicky Belo. Then it would be such a relief to come out from their shooting looking all thermaged and botoxed out! Dang!

Gabby Concepcion: middle-age blandness takes the form of a spirit expert (huh?)

Iza Calzado and Jesse Bradford: two of my favorite artists in the world!

Death Finds Hilarity in the British Flick "Death at a Funeral"

When the family patriarch croaks, a dysfunctional family gathers to bury him. But a 4 foot tall man (Peter Dinklage) comes out to demand from the deceased's son Daniel (Matthew Macfadyen) and his siblings 15,000 quid as a funeral dowry of sorts. Or else, he would expose his affair with the old man to friends and family! And he's got photos to prove of their indiscretions!

Meanwhile, we are treated to a bevy of zany characters: the grumpy wheelchair-bound grand uncle (the delightfully scroogey Peter Vaughan), the brilliant but cooky and successful novelist brother Robert (Rupert Graves), the hopeless lover Justin (Ewen Bremner) and the drugged out solicitor Simon (Alan Tudyk) who was given Mescaline (a hallucinogenic) instead of Valium. What ensues is a rollicking ride of chaos. Funeral has never been this fun!

Tudyk refers to his naked scenes as memory from when he was younger when a drunken man suddenly took his clothes off and climbed the restaurant tables. He does better by climbing the roof - and letting it all hang out! The latest (2010 U.S.) version has the delectable James Marsden playing Simon! Yum!

"Death at a Funeral" is directed by Frank Oz. The U.S. version is directed by one of my favorite directors, Neil LaBute. Peter Dinklage - one of only 2 Americans, along with Tudyk, from the British original - was retained. Tudyk's Simon character becomes Oscar (James Marsden) in the new version. It's a tad silly though to remake something so new.

Matthew Macfadyen plays Daniel. In the movie, he plays husband to real wife Keeley Hawes.

Tudyk naked on the roof!

Alan Tudyk takes a bow!

Calling sexy back!

Cris Pablo's "Mga Pinakamahabang One Night Stand 2" - Lessons in Self-Flagellation & Mediocrity

Education isn't always a noteworthy endeavor. If you acquire it from a brilliant mind, then all your hard work would have been worth the trouble. In Cris Pablo's acting workshops, the ultimate graduation gift is becoming part of a commercially-shown film. But such paybacks (you pay to get yourself in a movie - cool concept, don't you think?) could signal that it is indeed quite acceptable to churn up nursery-school projects then sell them to a paying public. In principle, it also lowers the standard of an already mediocre indie scene. But Leave it to Cris Pablo to make this troubling trend a money-making scheme twice over! He gets paid to be mentor which should finance his schemes, then he gets to field a film in "commercial" cinemas. But what's worse than giving false hopes to impressionable young minds? This denouement becomes a harrowing situation not dissimilar to doctors who get their medical education from quacks. Someone's gonna eventually fall ill and croak! Cris Pablo's latest abomination is such undertaking.

“Mga Pinakamahabang One-Night Stand 2” gathers four stories involving Cris Pablo’s inept but ambitious workshoppers (it would be a travesty to call them “actors”) who help Pablo bring to life (or a painful cinematic death) his boundless gay fantasies. Moreover, in his youtube workshop invitations, he pimps and parades Arjay Carreon as a "come on" - if you want to join Arjay, join our workshop! Whee!

Apparently, three of the four stories in "Mga Pinakamahabang One Night Stand 2)" (Longest One Night Stands 2) are directed by Kazan Anna Banzuela and David Mallari (“Call Center”), Julz Julia, Thor Manlangit, Maribel Argotero (“Boto Mo, Boto Ko”), and Marlon Mamungay and Jilan Babagay (“Huling Subok”), under the supervision of Pablo. Topher Barretto is likewise billed in the cast, but is nowhere found in any of the shorts.

Arjay Carreon

“Call Center” follows two repulsive English “patients” who are cast as a pair of gay call center agents cum lovers (Ronald Tacluyan, Marcus Valmadrid). One of them agonizes over his partner’s decision to quit his stable job, unaware that his lover has just been diagnosed with HIV. Not knowing this, he broods and sulks a lot, wondering why his partner doesn’t want to kiss him or get intimate with him even as he professes his love for him, while a third party (another unsightly wannabe) hits on him in the guise of giving him comfort. The two love birds clear the air after they take a shower together.

“Boto Mo, Boto Ko” (Your Vote, My Vote) is about Banjo, the gay supervisor of a gay (surprise!) local politician’s volunteers who make (romantic) life a living hell for new recruit Karl (Francis Sienes) and the apple of his eyes, Rusty (Rusty Adonis). Karl and Rusty like each other, but Banjo wants Rusty for himself, so he berates his subordinate every chance he gets. Unfortunately, Banjo’s sinister schemes only bring the star-crossed lovers together. After Banjo throws paint on Karl, the latter ends up in the shower with Rusty, and they consummate their attraction for each other, while Banjo bawls his eyes out and throws a tantrum outside the toilet.

In “Tubero” (Plumber), a gay guy (Prince Tami Ballesteros, who’s horrible and annoyingly swishy) who just broke up with his boyfriend tries to mend his broken heart by calling a plumber to fix his leaky and clogged-up pipes (pun very much intended). They end up plugging each other’s leaks instead.

“Huling Subok” (Last Trial) is the most serious—and most preposterous—of the four stories. It’s about a seminarian who must face his final test before he dedicates himself fully into the priesthood by hooking up with the good-looking Arjay Carreon, a cop who’s just been promoted in his job. The two guys/gays are former best friends and classmates who are haunted by an unfinished “business” eight years ago—they had an unexpected fling after getting carried away during a fateful get-together, after which the uglier guy vanishes on the face of the earth (he went to Singapore actually). When they meet again, they catch up, paint the town red…and take a dip in a swimming pool—then, they (again) make a go at their “huling subok” to satisfy Pablo’s craving for young men’s naked bodies and flashes of their shortcomings.

Is Cris Pablo out to outshower Hedji Calagui's "Lagpas" guys? When an exposition loses steam, he send his characters to the showers.

What is it about Cris Pablo and taking a bath?

Arjay Carreon tests his faith...and his appaluse-worthy savvy to disrobe.

Playing With Horses - Vice Ganda Lights Up "Petrang Kabayo"

Vice Ganda has transcended barriers that were never crossed before. You see, the Philippine society, more specifically its male population is still, on the whole, homophobic. Sure, they'd laugh at gay impersonators and gay comedians, but they will never admit appreciation nor hold a high opinion of them. Once these performers turn their backs, they are discussed with a degree of derision, an amount of ridicule, and are reduced to side shows. Vice Ganda has changed that.

My ex-bf represents a good cross section of this happy-go-lucky, subconsciously homophobic Pinoy male population. He would sit back, wide eyed, intent on catching Vice Ganda's brisk puns on television; and I've never heard him refer to Vice as "yung bading" the way he does my friend Kyle (who dresses like a man, and acts like a man, unlike Vice who cross-dresses!)

Does this charm translate well in Vice Ganda's first starring role - Wenn Deramas' "Petrang Kabayo"?

Yes and no!

Capsule

Peter (Vice Ganda/Makisig Morales) grew up with an abusive family. While trying to escape from his father (John Arcilla), he strikes gold when a rich spinster (Eugene Domingo) finds and adopts him. But instead of growing up generous and charitable, Peter is bitter, mean and acid-tongued. When his "mother" passed away, he acquires her riches, wrecking havoc on the people who work for him. But this is obviously a modern fairy tale where a fairy godmother turns out to be another cross-dressing, manga-inspired judge-and-jury.

Whenever Peter strays from the path of "righteousness", Peter transforms into a horse. And the only thing that can break the spell is the kiss of a gentleman who has professed his love for the horse! Are you happy with this magical parable so far?

The movie is littered with slapstick scenes that typify a Wenn Deramas movie - brisk-paced, superficial scenarios that don't quite leave an imprint way after you've left the theater. Without Vice Ganda, the movie would have fallen flat as a pancake. Despite that, Ganda's delivery is as "crunchy" as a well-fried bacon. Unfortunately, his wit is dependent on his spontaneous comebacks, something that is compromised on a dry-and-dead script. There are glaring inconsistencies: In some scenes, the horse would transform back to the human Peter buck naked; in other scenes, he is transformed back fully clothed. Someone needs to brush up on his narrative consistency.

Luis Manzano is turning out to be a very able comic actor. To be honest about it, I am never fond of Luis. His TV persona feels too "manicured" and even his delivery sounds too perturbingly "kolehiyala". But there's been a slew of movies where Luis transforms himself into a luminously affable cinematic actor. On the big screen, Luis becomes self-deprecating. His seemingly bland TV personality magically turns into a charming leading man. He's never looked so guapo. This is evident in movies like "Hating Kapatid" where Manzano's comic timing was impeccable.

Tom Rodriguez is such a dashing presence, I honestly wouldn't mind just staring at him for 1 1/2 hours! Unfortunately, his role is basically disposable, but he doesn't fail to leave an impression. Now "that" is a "movie star"!

I do have laugh-out-loud moments: When Peter decides to adopt his younger sister Pauline (Abby Bautista), the latter takes on the mean-spirited Peter mano-a-mano with her "Dahil maganda ako!" - a feat delivered with such dedication and convivial hilarity!

The film boasts of several cameos: Anne Curtis (who rides Luis' calesa); John Lapus, Gladys Reyes, Melason's Jason Francisco (as a cute waiter); and even a protracted cameo by Eugene Domingo as Peter's adoptive mother Donya Biday.

There are surprisingly impressive CG effects here, as well as occasionally great cinematography (though inconsistent). Sam Pinto is as bland as she is on TV. She delivers with the intuitive sincerity of a shoe brush. This is not a great news since Ms. Pinto is truly one of the most beautiful faces we've seen on Philippine TV.

With Vice Ganda's quick wit and smart alecky demeanor, the movie intermittently soars into moments of inspiration. But they are rather fleeting. Other times, it left me yawning with unequivocal ennui.

Vice Ganda

Luis Manzano sheds off bland TV persona.

Tom Rodriguez, aka Tom Mott, and friends - clowning around and looking even so much cuter!

It's illegal to be this handsome, Tom!

Now why would Tom photograph himself shirtless? And where's the rest of this set? Wink! Wink!

Remembering the Kite Runner

Sometimes you remember stark images from powerful scenes. Like Marc Forster's "The Kite Runner" .

What would it be like living your life in a country where all men are required to sport 4-inch beards? Where "Beard Patrols" roam the lands to check on guys who shave? They'd get the beating and imprisonment for cleaning up their faces. Where women cover themselves up from head to toe - with just a prescribed slit where their eyes could peep. Women live lives through a teeny weeny slit, seeing the world in veiled cages. Where charges of adultery are vicariously thrown to women until they are stoned to their deaths - in public! Yes, I challenge that culture that curtails the simple pleasures of humming or whistling or dancing! If the birds were Afghans, they'd be sent to jail for tweeting up a tree. This is a regime that has outlawed any form of merry making: no music, no dancing, no colorful garbs for women, heck - not even kite flying!

Who was it that said "A man who hears no song bears no soul"?

It shakes me to the core knowing that the people allow the Taliban such travesty on the most basic freedom! Maybe "allowing" isn't even an appropriate term.

Aasef (Ahmad Khan Mahmoodzada) and Amir (Zekeria Ibrahimi). God bless the children who can no longer play or laugh or sing songs!

Amir (Khalid Abdalla) teaches the tentative Zohrab how to fly a kite in the skies of California!

Jennifer Love Hewitt Tackles Oldest Profession in “The Client List”

She was always the sweet girl with beauty queen looks and proud owner of melon mammaries I can only dream of! So when Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) decides to take on the role of Samantha, a young mother and wife who falls into hard times then suddenly finds herself in a massage parlor where she soon reigns as queen, I knew I had to watch.

In "The Client List", Samantha has always been the popular one, teen queen from her high school who eventually married her consort - the popular high school jock. But life hasn’t been easy for the dream couple; what with 3 young children and a house that had been served its foreclosure notice. As luck would have it, she finds an ad in the papers seeking for a masseuse – but as what we’ve expected from a former beauty queen, she thought all that was required from her was some shiatsu and deep tissue. How rudely she realized massage was farthest from her job description. But when she finally got the hang of it, money started “growing on trees”, so to speak. She gets her home back, but faces a life without her beautiful children and smokin’ hot husband Rex (Teddy Sears), as well as an unshakeable coke habit – and some ponderous times behind bars.

The story’s a tad predictable, and the script is nothing short of silly, despite its claim to be based on real events. Director Eric Laneuville’s movie teeters with unfocused vision, sometimes careening into light humor, then swerving into high octane melodrama that doesn’t quite soar! But I have always liked Jennifer Love Hewitt – so my attention was glued! Cybill Shepherd (“Moonlighting”) also appears as Love’s tough talking mother, and looking so beautiful despite the years!

Sam and Rex

Sam breaks his heart. But what did Rex actually do to save his family from losing their home?

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Teddy Sears was a shoo in for the role of "Captain America" which eventually fell on Chris Evans' scrumptious laps! He stands 6'3".

Here is a funny scene where JLH is having coffee with her girlfriends, as they talked about “men”.

Girl 1: Men and their pride!

Girl 2: Men are so complicated!

JLH: Come on. Men are so easy! He is thirsty! He is hungry! He is horny!

I knew there was a hint of brilliance somewhere in this movie! ;->

He comes from a family of Olympians, and he was swimming and football royalty in his early days. He finished a degree in business management, but soon found out he wanted the cinematic spotlight! And we can absolutely see why he thinks so too! Slurp! LOL

Acolytes - Unfocused Thriller's Hit-and-Miss Watchability

Mark, James (Joshua Payne) and Chasely (Hanna Mangan Lawrence) live their teenage lives the way they want in rural Australia. One fateful day, Mark (Sebastian Gregory) witnesses a body being buried in the woods. Any connection from a local girl's disappearance?

Director Jon Hewitt creates an atmosphere of monotony that eventually takes its toll on the audience, and when we were somehow expected the requisite adrenaline rush, our ennui couldn't resurrect our initial interest! There were too many side stories that weren't adequately mined into a compelling whole.

Let's take, for example, the boys' past. When they were children, they were "brutally" raped by a guy (Gary Parker) who walks freely as we speak. No one knew of the incident! Yet this bombshell doesn't seem to figure prominently in the narrative until much later! Sure, the boys were "scarred" but not all that much, as it would seem! They were more concerned with this suspicious other guy (Joel Edgerton) whom Mark saw burying an unidentified corpse in the woods. And what's with the reference to butterflies? "Silence of the Lambs" anyone? More like, "Silence of Rapunzel" when she got caught by the witch! When the body count starts piling up, we were curiously unmoved!

The narrative has several interesting ideas that were recklessly stitched together, resulting into a largely unfocused work that ultimately inspired snoozing! For a thriller, that is almost sinful!

The young cast headed by shaggy-haired Sebastian Gregory does well. Their performances kept me from abandoning the film - barely!

Such is the power of "Acolytes" - or the lack of it.

Mark, James and Chasely

Digging away!

Caught!

Sebastian Gregory is intense. See him in the other Australian film "Beautiful" which we loved! It was a film that kept us guessing!